The 33% Majority
The 33% Majority

Episode 10 · 10 months ago

Ep. 10 - The 33% Majority Presents: Dragons & Dungeons

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Welcome to an experimental episode of The 33% Majority (which also happens to be our 10th episode).

Although the usual format of our show is your three idiot hosts (Alex, Ash and Tom) fighting for their 15 minutes of the fame, we wanted to use our 10th episode to play a stupid nerd game that each of us shamelessly enjoy. 

We hope you enjoy what we’ve put together, and if you don’t, no need to worry, we’ll be back to our regular format next week.

A big thank you to Tom’s dad, Timmy, for putting together our variant logo. Another special thank you to our resident audio technician, Alex, for spending a long time making this episode sound epic. A thank you to Tom for taking the reins as Dungeon Master. And finally, a pat on the back to Ashley, for turning up and playing.

Let us know what you think on our Instagram (@the33percentmajority).

Hello and welcome to Ye old thirty three percent majority, a fantasy show where three friends fight dragons in dungeons. I am not your host, Alex Springthorpe. I'm also not your host as thee whole, but I am your host and Dungeon Master, Tom Hutchinson, and welcome to a really weird and different ten episode of the thirty three percent majority. NERDS, welcome. Cool guys need not apply. You leave your leather jacket and your tattoos at home, you fuck. This is not a podcast for popular people. Anyway, we thought, as part of the well the ten episode of this stupid Dune Podcast, that we do that. I mean, even though the whole thing is pretty much very self serving. It's usually about the three of us. We wanted to make it even more about us and just do something that the three of us wanted to do, which is play a dumb game of dragons and dungeons. But at that I'm here. Yeah, now, that pretty much does it. Yeah, HMM, this one's for us. That this hey, if you are a listener of this show normally, stop listening now, because this one isn't for you. It's just for us through this is our one listen. We're only recording me so we can listen back to it in the night times when we're all a bit sad lonely and we just want to think of a homeies exactly. Yeah, yes, a deep and personal thing that you are listening to, you little bucks. You better, you better not. MMM MMM, now I'm just just just before we start playing the game and just to give everybody a bit of background, should we just go over how we actually sort of played this really nerdy fucking game? Yeah, so we've done some of a campaign of this before. I was the dungeon master. What happened was I invested my entire life in it to the point where I was unable to do anything else. So we stopped halfway through like a game. Not Not even like halfway through the campaign. I think it was halfway through one, one game. That's enough dragons, that dungeons for me now. And so that's just in a no more dragons, no more dungeons. Can't believe it's just in a hate both a I don't know the words for it, good, good work, putty in the good word speech based platform. Yeah, Alex is runner. Good, true, it's in a purgatorial state of everything and nothing out. We cared for it so much until we immediately were allowed not to anymore. Ha Ha MMM. And we're going to do a different one and I suppose as well, just as a little bit more background. And I was first introduced to duns and dungeons and dragons and through watching not not called that. Dragons and dungeons. Thank you. Thank you much better that, no worries. Well, okay, I got ready to write this whole thing off and walk off from my desk and just letting you know. And I I was introduced to dungeons, dragons and dungeons through a show called community. For any of the listeners that might have seen that as well, it's obviously very fun on that. How were the two of you introduced to the DUNGE NERD game? Alex, you can go first, make because my introduction is really fucking lame. Okay, okay, my introduction to dungeons and dragons was much the same way as my introduction to podcasting, which was the macl Roy brothers and there their adventure zone. So yeah, I mean when I was when I was Dming, the balance arc of the adventure zone was my every inspiration that was written by a man whose full time job was writing the balanced arc of the adventure zone, and so everything I ever wanted mind to be was that and it never could be, which is which is why maybe I gave up on it. But yeah, that was my introduction. For any of you unaware, it is three brothers and their dad playing dragons and dungeons together and it's lovely and it's called, by the way, just for a reference again, the adventure zone. You...

...can find that on all string platforms. It's very, very bloody good and Ashley, Yea, I I'm actually really fucking cool. So I hadn't heard of it. Pretty much. I'd heard of it. I'd seen like snippets in media, but then Alex was like, Hey, there's this thing that I want to do, and I was like, you know, I want to do that. I want to get near you with my friends. Wait, hang on, the first time you heard of dungeons and dragons, when was your invite to come and plays time? I the first time I'd ever considered going anywhere near it. Yeah, you're far too trusting of us. Yeah, literally, well, you guys like that's the thing is, like anybody that I'm like friends with concorm. Me Like Hey, want to come do this thing, and nine times out of time I'm like yes. Does that extend to the listeners as well? Listeners, if you message me saying Hey, do you want to fucking hang out, listen, I want to hang out with you so hard. So yeah, I'm so excited to hand over the reins of Dungeon mastership because, Tommy, I've been so nice to you up until this point and reassuring and helping you where I can. It's fucking stressful and horrifying and I'm so excited to just play. Okay, well, I'm excited for you as well. Now, before we kick off, let's very briefly, just to set up some some backstory. Can you guys both tell me about your characters? And, because of the way I've written the beginning of this campaign, I also need the two of you to free ball how you met and how you came together to become adventurers. Cool, that's fine. Actually, you go first. I'm going to be a mystical character and I want to base him on someone that I've admired on my life. been a huge fan of someone I've always relied on and I'm going to be me, I'm going to be I'm just going to give me. But this is after I spent years on an Alaskan ship fishing for crabs before realizing that actually what I really wanted, what would fulfill me, is having a crab claw. So I've had my hand of play with an Alaskan crab claw my left hand. Okay, ash can I just ask a question? So you've got a crab claw, but you are now not on earth prime you're on the dragon and dungeon. Very powerful man, and if I would like to, I will travel all throughout the many multiverse. Okay, but how did you get into the Dragon and Dungeon Realm? I was going in my phraser for some more crab and I fell and you fell over cup from my crab fall and I was there. Okay, cool, that's something to work with. Thank you for that, Ashley. You're quite welcome. Intricate law from my back life. There absolutely good words there too. Okay you. Mine isn't quite as fleshed out as Ashley's. It in many, okay, in many senses of that word, I'll like. Okay, because what cause has twenty three years of backstory currently written and it's twenty six. I'm old, twenty six, you old fuck. Well, Ashley has a backstory. I didn't. I didn't get that far, and also his character is more fleshed out because he has flesh. My character, whose name is Nimbus Altoe, is a is a cloud. It's just a cloud. So clouds, what's it? Just cloud, just a sentient bit of water, Vapor. Okay, I'm gonna have some real troubles in combat. I could feel that coming on. Oh Yeah, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just me. But some things to note about Nimbus Alto. Very very wise, very very intelligent in terms of combatibilities. He is a cloud. Biggest enemy any kind of gust. Oh No, what about the widow? Any area of high pressure and low pressure is going to present a pretty sizeable obstacle for nimbless Alto to overcome. Sense this, okay, swiftly problematic. HMM okay. So how did the two of you come together then? I think I tell you what actually I think it. I've kind of got a bit of an explanation, because Nimbers Alto, he's not just a sentient cloud and he is also a cleric, okay, and cleric's kind of they picker a deity whom they worship and are granted all of their magical abilities from and and my my...

...characters God is named Tar lost tailst TA L S Tis. If you never played Sky Rim, I don't Alice Talos, I don't like it. Yeah, it's God's name. Is Tyrone. Okay, cool, that is that what this game is. It can just be whatever the fuck you want. So, yeah, let's let's call him tyrone. Cool. I fear the mighty God tyrone, but tyrone is the god of storm. So as a makes sense. Yet so actually as a Sailorman, as a sea boy. Yeah, I feel like we met roughly around the time you fell. You fell into the realm of dragons and dungeons. Perfect, I'm here. There's there's some dragons, maybe there's no, there's a Dungeine and there's definitely crap plause. So we're all winners. Okay. Do you want some flavor to go with that, tom do you want you want us to flesh out what that may have looked like? I I mean that that's just workshop it together. I mean like off the call. I asked the too the two of you guys to level up a little bit. I didn't really want us to start at level one. I wanted this to sort of go straight into the action for the sake of the listeners. But like, why are you guys adventuring together? How long have you been doing it? What's made you stick together? Maybe, I don't know, we met during it. So what happened was Ashley had been in touch with an artificer. What's one of them? A young put person what uses magic to invent things. I think that's my def okay, that's what I know it to be. And D and he's all about what you want it to be, Alex. and if you want it to be someone who makes magical things, who could stop you? Who is there that could put power to you, friend, that's what artifice it is. But the artificer had fitted him with a magical crab claw. Actually, if I remember rightly, you were you were recovering in the lower deck of the ship. Yeah, with my crab core surgery complete, but just yet. Our and our you've got a chill out after any kind of crab based surgery. Crowd basic especially requires patients exactly. But you hit a patch of troubled waters. A storm was afoot, waves higher than your ship could could possibly dream of overcoming, and you were swiftly overcome. Luckily, I, as a cloud, was just vibing it in this storm and I saw you in trouble and I came to help, and I'd never seen a man quite so handsome, quite so crab Claude canotically. By the way, listeners, my character looks just like me. It's just my it's my face, so you know I am handsome. In case you can't hear that, my voice. Okay, okay, cool. That's a good bit of flavor. Thank you very much, boys. Shall We? Shall we away to fantasy land? Yes, please tell me. Shall we takers take US Away Dungeon Daddy? Okay, cool. Well, basically, what I want to do to set the scene. I've got a bit of flavor text and then I'll I'll introduce what you guys are doing. If that sounds cool, I'm here for it. Cool. Okay. So I want you, guys to picture that you're currently looking at like a big sort of like, you know, one hundred and twenty inch cinema screen. For this Intro, listeners to I want you to close your eyes, even if you're driving, and try and picture this, and especially if you're driving. Silence in the fantasy studio, please. The scene is black. You hear footsteps in the distance. A dim glow from the left slowly begins to illuminate a puddle. A fictional camera wainted directly at the fictional ground. As the scene grows slowly brighter, we can see that the puddle the surrounded by Black Moss covered cobblestones. Silver ornate writing begins to slowly take shape in the water, forming random letters. One by one, it reads. The thirty three percent majority presents dungeons and...

...dragons. The quiet distance, footsteps grow louder, stomping and splashing. Crash Ashley, Your Human Doc Martin wearing feet land directly in the center of this fictional puddle that I just spent ages describing asterly. I think the puddles going to be important. I'm staring deeply into the puddle lovingly. The puddles going to be the big boss. Write that down. We'll remember that. Sorry, Tommy, you go. I'll continue to weave this fantasy tapestry. As you're running ahead of Nimbus, who's faint but quite delightful glow illuminates the tonnel ahead of you as your bloody, you're tired, you're hurt, Alex, I mean Nimbus, your cloud, hurt, whatever her is for clouds. I'm not really sure how that works. My cloud bones. Yes, yes, you're clap your your cloud bones. Yes. So, to to fill you in on where you are and what you're doing, you're both actually nearing the end of a particularly daring an ingenious quest a gentleman who goes by the name of y'All knelled or the great, who presides over most of the towns and regions. Sorry, I didn't catch that name. Can you say it again? Who are you talking to in your character right now? Gods, what was his name? Sorry, I wrote. Remind me. His name was y'all neldor that's y'all, J A R L and Neldor an El Der, y'll neeld, or the great car no, y'all call Carl, okay, Carl, Carl Meld or the great. He's the kit, he's the king round here. He sent out a call to any and all adventurers to aid him in finding a cure for his son, who's contracted Vampireism, and he said that any party that can bring him a cure will be rewarded handsomely. Now you, the two of you, come from a town called Ravensmore, and you both spoke with a bunch of novice adventures before you set off, and they're looking for necromancers that might have experience with curing vamporism. But Ash, after speaking with a number of people outside the town, you've actually realized that your best course of action will be to try and raid the old fortress that the gray valor used to occupy. Now can I ask the two of you to do our first role of the game? Oh Yeah, I've got my real my real life dies, yeah, with real, actual dice. Don't actually just don't just roll. Yeah, well, roll for a purpose. And can I have a history check from one of you please? Oh Yeah, you can. I got a plus three because I love me some real life history. History. I've never played as a person before. I'm always I'm always the other side of this where's where are my things? History? I got a plus five too, so that it's seventeen. I know all and I know maybe. Okay, good work. And Ash, what did you get? I got sixteen baby boy. Okay. So, yeah, you both know that the gray valor are a group of very prolific and successful group of supernatural hunters. They're world renowned and they spent most of their time occupying a fortress that's to the east of of Ravensmore, where you guys are currently based, but they left three or four years ago to fight a growing blight of Vampiresm in the south. So you both feel confident that...

...the gray valor will have left a large cache of supplies in their undergram vault, and you both imagine, hopefully, a cure for vampiresm that they may use in the field. So, after reaching the impose using fortress, locating the secret tunnel that's underneath the guard's barracks and battling through an infestation of ghouls and giant rats, you feel as though you're getting close to the vire. We've not had to roll any dice for this bit of the campaign. We must be very good adventures, probably the best adventures. You do both have to take fifty percent damage right now, though. So can you just like take fifty percent from your own wings, please, oh tyrone, why you like this, tyrone? I don't like that. I'm tyrone, tyrone, I have a question. I have twenty one health. If I half that, it doesn't let me do halves. Okay, well, round up. Oh, he's not a kind dungeon boy, easy, he's the Rudi's horrible ballast to now. I meant. No, I met I meant. I meant that if half of twenty one is ten point five, just round that up to eleven, and so you've got eleven hit points. I wasn't saying take eleven hits, I was saying give yourself a Leone. It can be a cruel guard. I I would like to use my first level evocation spell cure wounds on ash immediately. Okay, okay, roll that one. Look then, by the looks of things, it just happens a creature you touch regains a number of hit points equal to one d eight, which is an eight sided dice, plus your spell casting ability modifier. This spell has no effect on undered or can instructs. So I'm going to roll one D eight plus seven as a for eleven, eleven points of health, fashion please. Okay, back to Max, buddy, will done, and mark down that spell slot. Yeah, yet take note of that. We we when you go, Ashley, Do you feel better? I'm fully erect for this adventure. Thanks, you cloudy Fuck. Have you anything I could use? I'd like to ask you some words of encouragement. Come on a little buddy. We got this. And how many hit points does that? You both alcome down there. How many hit points does that get me back? Does that get me back hit points? The words of encouragement? You know what, as the DM, I'll give you back point five hit points for those kind words. Just just round up Alex Round Anyway. You both walking down a narrow, winding tunnel, one that looks exactly the same as the ones you've been in for what feels like weeks, and you hear a low rumble, something like a grunt or a growl. I think we should investigate that in character. Now I just like to spit around on the spot three or four times, just screaming and looking around, because, sorry, screaming are do you need me to actually do it? Well, I mean, I'm going to respect the RP, but actually I probably you know, we should be aware that any of our stealth points have now been depleted. That's not a DD mechanic, but listen, I get. I get plus five to stealth, so I think that makes up. Probably not for cool like just in post. Can we just stretch that out? I can't. Okay, sure, yeah, and with that, yes, Alex or cloud or Nimbers, and yet you've expended yeah, you guys don't have the element of surprise. Now you hear a huge chest rumbling raw and out from the darkness jumps the largest dog you've ever seen and as you look closer, you realize that it has two heads. It's air death dog. Can you guys please roll for...

...initiative? Oh yes, I can. What's my and just for the listeners, whilst that the boys are rolling, rolling for initiative basically decides the order of combat. So the guys would roll a twenty side of dice and then add their their modifiers to that number to decide who goes first and what order the fight will be. And I'm also rolling the initiative for the dog to speaking of two, that I got one of them. Okay, cool, good work, buddy. You. You tried your hardest. Ash I get a plus two to initiative. So your boy got four for UK right. Okay, well, I'm sick. I am by the way. Yeah, you, yeah, that's bad. Okay. Well, in that case, the death dog is going to go first, and as because you were the one screaming and shouting and spinning in a circle after having fought through, you know, a horde of gals and large giant rats, he's going to go straight for you and he's going to go for a bite. He's going to try and take a chunk out at you. So let's roll that is a sixteen plus. What am I add in? HMM, that's a good question. I don't know. Let's just call it sixteen for the time, because I forgot how to play this fucking game. Sixteen against your armor class? That, Ashley, does that hit, I'm going any armor on. So, yeah, cool, okay, let's roll ups. What is your armor class, Ashley, just for the sake of the listeners, so they know, twelve. But for the sake of yeah, listeners, I've got twelve arm points, naturally. So if you meet me in real life, just know that unless you can do more than to have damage, you better just not. Okay, well, you're going to take five damage. He does five damage, sinking his teeth into your shoulder. clickly, you manage to shake him off, but not before you've taken that damage, buddy ower rage. Yeah, anyway, next up, ash, you are next up in the order. I haven't looked at your weapons or anything that you've got. So what are you going to do? I'm actually unarmed, just like in me a life. I don't need a weapon because I'm I am a weapon in and up myself. So I'd like to to run it it and do a flurry of blows, which is because I'm a monk in real life as well. It's lies that that encapsulates. Yeah, you are this person, definitely. Yeah. Well, I wear the beanie hat so you can't see the big bulk, because that you've quite if you're gonna be a monk, I've got you gonna have that. Having have you got the airbending Arrow on your forehead like Ang I have a symbol, but I can now just kidding and no, I don't have don't have anything. I'm a fine okay, okay, so I could do flow of blows betweens after I after I attack, I can spend one key point to make two extra unarmed strikes. So I'm going to I'm going to run a little to kick it a fucking held up. I'm going to kick him in his Noggin and then I'm going to do two little karate pokes right is eyeballs. Okay, do you have? Do you have to rolled against my armor class here or listen? I don't want to say fuck your armor class because I'm going to kick it, but yeah, sure, I really gets to cool. Thank you. What's upsetting? I got a seventeen. That's probably quite good. That's yeah, that that yet you? Okay, so that hits. Wow, Astley, what an excellent punch you did. I wonder how much it we married to that character voice. What you're not hearing, what you're not hearing in the moment, is all of the REVERB and mystical sound of a part of my voice, like, if I put them on right now, I sound like a fucking it. Alex, you are complaining about the complexity of editing and okay, now you're like, I'm gonna, I'M gonna make my character sound like Bruce, Bruce Wayne. I complained about the time that I had to spend literal hours actually editing. You eating lozenges out of the PODCAST. Listeners, listeners, those lozenges are essential. Without without my comedy input. You got...

...listen. I'm the talent is, I'm the Brad Pit, all right, as as both the host and the dungeon master. And Ash you, you die, strikes me. Thanks, tyrone. Fuck's as you can't thank me or say anything dead. And what if I if you die in dungeons and dragons, you dame. Really hang on. I've got a Cantra true spare the dying. I touch a living creature that has zero eight points. The creature becomes stable. The spell has no effect on undead or construct. I don't know what the construct is, but I feel like this is useful. Okay, yeah, that's fine. And Yeah, so I do an arm strike and I do one d four plus two, but because I do my life florry of blows, I get two extra. So I wrote a D for D for three times and had six go for it. While Ashley Rolls Some dice, a d for the what you're going to hear a lot is d for d six, dight and things of that nature. The D means dice. The number is the number of sides it has. D Six. Is that the normal? The normal dice you'll know and love from games like monopoly. HMM, do they have a dice in monopoly? Think so. Yeah, so I'd like to now let you know, manopanopoly. So it was sixty. That fuck. I just lost it. I lost it. I've moved my dice, but it was three ones. It was three ones. It wasn't got any one and three ones. There's no way. It wasn't three ones. Fuck you. You have can right. I'm doing it with this has. You can't just reroll because you got three ones and get three one. This is shit. What did you get then? But I'd like I said it out loud. I said out loud what I got. Well, I'll cut them in now. I cut you in. Just say one three times. That's all that did. Fuck it. I did one three times, but plus six. So I did fucking nine. I did nine damage. Nine damage. Okay, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. Nimbus your up next. What I'm going to propose some stuff here, because Nimbus, he's not a fighting man, he's a cleric, he's he's a supportive character more than anything else and doesn't really have any okay to none of the the spells that do damage. Okay, Alex, I'm just like quick sidebar on the side of the studio. Huh, you do realize? You do realize that, like this is for radio. And, yeah, you know you were supposed to play the game. They're going to knock your socks off. All right, let's go. I as sorry, sorry, sorry about that, as I got told off for doing a dumb character again. So what what ash and, sorry, is it a death dog? Did you say the death dog? Yet we fighting a dead death. So what Phido and Ashley are seeing now is Nimbus. Nimbers just naturally gives off a beautiful divine glow, but that that glow almost intensifies and there's like deep, rich purple colors. If you were to roll investigation check, you know, I was concentrating as I cast my can trip thormaturgy. I read you the description of what this, this spell is. Thank you. You manifest a minor wonder, a sign of supernatural power within range. You create one of the following magical effects within range. Blah, blah, blah, Blah Blah. And the one I'm going to use. You create an instantaneous sound that originates from a point of your choice within range, such as a rumble of thunder. The cry of a Raven or ominous whispers. But what I'm going to use thermaturgy, thormaturgy, for is I would like, from just behind the death dog where he came from. I wanted to hear the sound of Sizzling Bacon, and and what I propose for this is the dog to make some kind of check to see if he's intrigued by the Bacon. Okay, I like it. I like it. I'd like to give Phido a bacon trick. Okay, okay, so wait, is...

...this coming from the way? The way he came from, or the way you guys have come from? I where he came from. I wanted to where he came from. Wonder if someone is frying up a delicious pork snack just for him. Okay, okay, well, the death dog does have minus for to intelligence, so let's let's give it a Goin as me in real life. So this is all working out great. Okay, that was a ten minus four, so that's a Stutus six, and I'm going to set can't be good Tommy. I'm going to say that can't be good for him. No, I'm going to say that like he MMM, his doggie instincts are taking over and he really doesn't want to, but food, that ready made food is better than food. He has to kill. so He's going to. He's gonna UN my light intensifies as I'm focusing on producing the crackling sounds of a good, good, good, that's good flavor. And so what he's going to do is he's going to stamp on his two front feet and just rare at the two of you and then immediately one hundred and eighty and just scamper off. And you guys lived to tell the tale. Well done. Thank God for that. I don't want to I don't want to have to kill it with my bare hands. HMM. Yeah, I know that was going to be visceral and well, you guys did it in a very interesting way, which is good work. You could have killed him, but anyway. And I'm going to stop railroading the two of you and let you sort of decide what you want to do now. HMM, you know your goal, you know what you're trying to do. Ashlee, do you think the dog is going to pose a problem in our future? Now, man, I'm sure at a little low workout it'll work out okay. I think he will have despawned. It's just like dustiny. Just go hide in the corner and eventually everything, everything turns out fine. Hang Up, check the mini map. Do you see the blip on the radar? I listen, I'm looking and feeling. There's no many map here. Buddy, I don't want to say we might be lost, but we might be lost. Shall we do a check to investigate? Let's gently investigate, let's probe the area. Tyrone, tell me what I see. It's I got this tyrone telling you we're some Nimbus is a very smart man. I'm not. So I've just got to take just a little minute here. Just figure out one of my starts. Add up your numbers. Yeah, okay, that is a dirty twenty, which is to say it is a twenty, but I didn't roll it. Naturally, it is a seventeen plus three. Okay, okay, good work. So with that investigation check and you can see ahead of you that there's a t junction. Essentially the cave splits off in two directions, and you can hear a combination of two noises, but you can't yet discern which way they're coming from. You can hear the sound of intense like rushing water, and then also the sound of like creaking and Pistons pumping, sort of steam being expelled, and also the sound of Baker and cooking, I hope. Yeah, Bacon, Bacon in another fry of bakers instant. Yeah, okay, here's the deal. Then we're gonna we're going to march on towards the steam and pumping sounds. Okay, okay. So what do you think? What do you think, Nimbus? I need I need you sweet knowledge. It reminds me of the engine on the boat from which I met you on how sweet I love it when you talk about when you met Y're so handsome and cloudy. It was such a romantic evening. I wish I could hold your hand, but I can't because you're rounded. Didn't hear dad? Not, not my highlight, I'll be honest with you. That handy J with the Crab Claw on my cloud peep. Don't say...

...that in front of tyrone. God is listening, God is ever present and wants you to play dragons and dungeons. Tyrone is a dirty boy and he likes the cloud peen. Oh God, don't you, tyrone. No, just the the voice of please edit the voice of God in and like a choir of Hallelujah's, and then just, yeah, fucking do so. Sorry, I got wrapped up in you. Jack it off, Nimbus, with a crab and with my crab. which way are we going? I'm going to snip my crab hand, pointing forward with it and say this way, dear friend, and we're going to walk towards the steamy puppy boy noises. Perfect, Tommy, dated a check. No, no, you guys can just walk. I mean, Alex, you float, but yeah, Oh, yeah, you can just move. Yeah, okay. So taking the right hand tunnel towards the sound of the creaking and the Pistons takers to the Rumpy pumpy. Yeah, the washing, the rushing water sound behind you dissipates and you find that you're actually inside of an abandoned armory. The shattered weapons that are all pushed up against the walls and as you walk you can well Ash. As you walk, you can hear the clanking of metal and your feet and there is still that sound of Pistons and steam sort of in the far end of the room, but the light is very dim. You can only see because of Nimbus has glow. Nimbus, can you, can you shine a little light in that direction and our car? I'll do an investigation. We'll have a look around. Yes, hang on. Okay, so it sounds like you're shitting. Okay, how is that? Thank you so much, tyrone. I rolled a fifteen and I got a plus three, so it's cool, cool, eighteen, amazing. Okay. Well, with that, I can see very far with my eyes. Good, good work by deep. I'll just remind me. In real life, do you have dark vision? Yes, yeah, I do. Yeah, it's cannon, cannon in real life. Passay for anyone. It's cannon in real life. No one can sneak up on me in the dark. I can see the dark. Ashley eats all of the carrots. Is it on your character sheet, though? Now it's not. This is then fun. Then then fuck you, then fuck you. You don't have dark vision. I asked him to shine a light over there anyway, and he did by making a big poonoi dragons and dungeons. Ashley is actually allergic to carrots and must bear that. That's my one good any of our foes in the future be carrot wheelders. That you are definitely allergic to them. Yeah, they shouldn't told me that, because now I know your weakness. Anyway, as with that investigation, Chack of what was it? Eighteen? Did you say? Seventeen? Eighteen? Eighteen, sir, eighteen. Okay with that. There's a machine in the far corner of the room and it seems to be some kind of automatic ammunition dispenser and evidently the the gray valor left this running when they when they hustled to leave. There's crossbow bolts all over the floor, like literally everywhere, and there's actually a crossbow hung on the corner of the machine, and I'll get it. Never mind. Yeah, cool. Yes, there's a there's a crossbow hung on the side of the machine, as I'd like to. I'd like to, as I wouldn't it, just like I would in real life. It just it's just well up, look around see if anyone's if this belongs to, and they just take it. Okay, cool. So as you pick it up, you explode. No, and there's a like a mustle, a push bike. God Damn, iron works in the mysterious way. More for you for not investigating a literally everything. No, stabilize the dead again. Actually been killed twice already. No, no, it's okay, it that was at that was an alternate universe. That was an alternate timeline, in the prime timeline. As you as you lift...

...up the crossbow, you realize that it's sling was sort of wrapped around a lever, a lever, lever, and as you lift it, the lever actually moves into the off position. And finally, the machine has stopped whirring and spitting out crossbow bolts, which are literally in a pile on the floor. There's more than ash you can even count. There's that hundred. I think we could try. What can you carry? Stuff too cloudy? Okay, I'll leave I'll leave that to you. Just last CAP, good way. Yeah, okay, anyway, for the sake of us, area is at a light crossbower, heavy crossbow. It's a light crossbow, God damn it. Yea. And also, as part of your insanely good investigation, check Ashley, there's also a very small but intricate key laid on the top of one of the the canisters of the machine. It's the most intricate key you've ever seen. The the nuks that sort of decide where the pins go, they curve in different directions and you actually noticed that this four letters on the stem that haven't been rubbed off through use and time, and you can see K A, L and S. those are the letters. You can see what one want one one more time, K A L S. But they're all spaced out so you can tell that there will work. There were letters out in between every letter. It's K space, a l space, s space. Here we have a mystery on our hands. Carols like from old score in scape. He has a crossbow. HMM, no, shut up, nerd, yeah, shut up free yeah, so we're going to yeah, fuck all this noise. I've got my Crossboerg, got my crossbow bolts. We're going to take the key, obviously. Can can my sweet baby boy numbers be could you float over at first to make sure there's nothing going to like? Put me up. Sorry, what what was I floating over flow over the key? Hoi Yes, and and I do, and and I do. You done, well done, and there's nothing wrong with the key. It's a key. It's just it's a key and you expressed more sort of caution with a key than with a fucking crossbow. Well done, Ashley. You did it? Yeah, because keys are important. Crossbows are a tool for murder. Okay, let's see your crossbow and you go, yeah, that's dangerous. A key not inherently dangerous. MMM, I would, I would agree with you there, Alex. Anyway, at anything. What else we do it? What are we doing now? Making our way downtown, floating first, voting first faces past. We're homeboarl grasses passes, I asked. Yeah, okay, so we're so we're currently in the gray valors armory. Hmmm, Ashley has collected himself, turned off the machine pumping out all the crossbow an Yep, as she's got himself across boat. You'RE gonna go back to the Stream? Yeah, so we head towards the water. Hell, yeah, I've equipped my crossbow. I'm carrying it in my little handy. Boys, listen for the sounds of me going wow, that's a far a cross bowing to the crowd. Yeah, all, all stealthy. Good. Well, yes, good stealthing, Ashley. So what you're leaving this room and going to the the back, to where the back to where the water pump it whether water noise you okay. So leaving the room and taking the left hand tunnel. You follow the cave system up through an incline and regardless of where you've been, this experience for you so far has been Dank, cramps and wet in start contrast to the spacious fortress above.

But the tunnel begins to widen. The squat, moss covered walls and low hanging ceilings start to give way to tall, pristine marble and increasingly taller ceilings. You find yourselves in this image that I'm sending you, both right now and for the sake of the audience. This should be on the instagram somewhere so that you can all review it to Oh, anyways, a picture of Alex's microphone. No, no, no, that's not the one I sent. Oh, and that was another picture from earlier in the chat. So this is what we're looking at here. Map. It's a map, yes, as a bit of flavor text. You find yourselves in a wide, airy atrium. There's light beaming in through a plainer portal that's in the center of the ceiling above you. It also seems to be the mouth for an extra dimensional waterfall, and the waterfalls from the middle of the ceiling in a pillar like column directly down downwards the bottom of this waterfall, that there's a ten foot wide great or drain that's allowing the water coming from the portal to leave the room, but there's a huge amount of water being sort of splashed in every direction and it's making the floor around the waterfall very reflective and slippery. Please do as you will with the map you've been given. Well, does investigate and do you want to go and have those fires in three corners? There's the stairs, I assume, west of at the bottom of the room. You are. You are at the very you're at six o'clock. So let's try and be let's try and be Super Duper explainative for listeners. Or are we just banking on listeners having this image available? I would say it's beneficial if the list listeners want to have a look at it. But yeah, if you guys could, we're looking at a circular room. You guys have walked in from six o'clock on the circle. If it were a clock, and Ashley, you just described that. It twelve o'clock, three o'clock and nine o'clock. There are fires in in, not on in fun corners, because circle down the corners. But yeah, there are three fires and yeah, please continue. What are the other times? So that's like at about half past seven. There's statue. What would be the bottom left, top left, top right, bottom right. In between the fires there are statues. By the looks of things, some of them have got little things underneath them. So that what looks like a hand holding something, what looks like a trough of water and what looks like a bowl. And then there's a flowing pillar of water. Did you say? So it's coming from the ceiling into the floor in just a cylindrical waterfall. Yes, yeah, it's just traveling directly downwards. Fuck, yeah. And then Nimbus kind of just zooms over and just kind of gently, just kind of just edge of his cloudy form just kind of dips it a little bit in because he is he is water vapor. So I don't know what he's going to gain from doing this. I'm sure tyrone's gonna tell me, but it's something. Does it just fill the room some more mass? You get a bit more mass, you're a bit heavier. Now I now really need to Piss. Yes, exactly. It's like having a drink, but just on steroids. Excellent. Okay, I know from experience that outside of the fiction I'm not good at puzzles. But actually this looks like a puzzle, which you are good at. Cool. I'd like to do an investigation check on the statue that is to my front and my right, like forward right. It's the one that looks like it's got a trough of water from where I'm standing, so that it would kind of be about between one and two o'clock. Yeah, it's a lunch time kind of deal. Sure, okay, so roll that investigation check, buddy. Sixteen plus three. It's a nineteen. How...

...you guys have rolled? Good so far. Well done. Okay, so it's a very, very intricately designed golden set of armor and yeah, below its feet is a wooden trough of water, although it stands on like a sort of marble pedestal. So, yeah, it's obviously sort of presenting its importance and, as we all are in this life. What you what you Glean? What you glean from this, Ashley, is that the trough is part of a puzzle. I knew. What's that? The statue behind me? I'm still at the trough. I'm looking a turn around one eighty degrees. There's a look what looks like a marble climp and a bowl question mark. So this would be like seven, seven or eight o'clock, which would be like what supper time? Supper? Yeah, What's upper times? The supper time statue say? Well, that supper time. Supper time statue. Fuck me, Jesus Christ as. If you'd like to just speed run this, you can investigate all four at once and I'll give you sen you shall be what the fuck is underneath those six day exactly handsome. Okay, so each suit of armor is facing the center of the room, the from if we're going clockwise, starting with the top right one, we've got a water trough, a wooden bowl, a metal gauntlet and then finally, in the top left, that one is a missing it's item. There's a there's evidently something there that should will, that used to be there. I'm going to tea bag the empty gauntlet. Okay, I'm just going to squat and just dip my balls into it and and shout, Hey, hey, numbers, look, I can I can tea bag this staff. That's awesome, Dude. Let me take a pig sure, and then I get my fantasy like I get my fantasy camera out, Tom Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, and that and ask what does that look like with your hands that you don't have shit. Now I produce it immediately and it falls to the floor. Of Breaks, no means of folding. Cool, okay, good work. Yep, exactly. So it was just held within you and you just sort of Barf it up and then it's yeah, falls to the floor and dies. The flash goes off and I also do a little piss as it falls. It frightens me and some of the extra mass falls out. Okay, okay. So, anyway, you guys know what's going on with the statues, and you know what? You know what's going on in front of all of them. I'm going to get the wooden bowl and then when to fill it with water the fountain in the Middle, and I'm going to put the water in front of the empty statue and just be like, are you thirsty? Home? Okay, so you do that. Yeah, so it's I think you kind of you're onto something. Sorry to interrupt, Tommy. I know this is no bad manners of me, actually, and now I regret all of it. No, no, it's okay, buddy, you carry us. I think you are onto something. Because we have four statues. Three of them have a something. The fourth one doesn't. So I think the fourth one needs a something to just sling the kids, sling the key down at his feet. That is an option. So well, you're doing a water thing. Now we do also have fire, which is going to play a part, I think, and also a key. So let's start with yeah, a little bowl of watter, TEPA bowl of water. Maybe I'm going to maybe I'm just going to pour it on the club. Now I need to find out, like there's got to be more to it than just be in the ball for the water. What do I do with the water? Ashu, pop it down at his feet. Truck, try just popping it down at his feet. Where the other ones? I just pop it out. Yeah, we're just pop it down his feet. Just drop it down at his feet and then look up to the sky. Tyrone, tyrone, is this it? No, Shit, shit, Piss and could. I think it's interesting that sometimes I sound different. Sometimes it's like I speak but I use like a different voice that sounds just like Ashley's. That's cool. It's really a really interesting yeah, yeah, I like that. That's a character, character arc thing. Yeah, and Spook, isn't...

...it? It wasn't that, how would we use fire? I'm not going any right, just I'm going to just lay down some rules here. I ain't going anyone near fire. Cool, yeah, makes sense. I will not exist. You're a claud you're disappear. That's fair. I would like to so metal corner traff there's no writing anywhere in the room as there there's no there's no clues, no hint. Will you have very you have barely explored the room. You have looked at four of the suits of armor and you've you've spotted fires. That's it. That's all you've done so far. Oh, I would like to investigate the fires, please. Okay, but you just said you wouldn't go near then, Alex from afar. Yeah, you can investigate from a far. I do it to people all the time. I can like peer in a little bit, can't I? With I would like to, from a safe distance, investigate the fires. Pleased, Tommy. Okay, what's your invested? What did you get? I got? What do I see with a seven? What do you see with a seven? With a seven? Yeah, like I roll the dice and it said seven. After I had all the numbers. Yeah, what does that mean? You don't know how fire works, but you know that the thing is hot and just behind the fire you can see to sort of glowing dots of gold, sort of just like twinkling behind it. So what? Like lamps? Would I, Alex Spring Thought, recognize things as lamps? Or is it a mythical fantasy glowing or no? No, so do I need to do something else to find that sort of information out before? Behind the fire there are two things twinkling at yea that are on the wall with a seven. I mean, you only got a seven. There's two things twinkling and it's things twinkling and I are do not have the mental fortitude to understand if they are mythical or regular. I would have just dash over. I would like just grab those balls. Just grabbing those balls, though. No, check in, no, find it out, I'm just gonna grab those balls. Okay, you guys are bad at dungeons and dragons, but ash you, you hot. You hop over the firepit sort of lightly singing your crotch region. Do still have your testicles out from when you tea bag something? Yes, the smell of burnt hair fills the room. Yes, exactly. You jump over the fire and, with both hands, reach out to grab what Alex has described to you as to fantasy orbs, and as you get over the fire, you realize that your hands have just hit solid wall and they're actually just two clockwork looking mechanisms that are inlaid into the Marble Wall. They're any key holes can investigate. Go and investigating. Fourteen plus three. So your boy gets a seven to it looks very so the one that you're looking at, which is on the right hand side, looks very, very similar to the key that you did done. Pick up slap the key into it, big boy. Okay, it doesn't fit. Are there any other? Well, if you were to look at yeah, just look at the map. How many does it look? There's like six of them. I'm going to try the key on each one. There's six. I'm going to Shit Pierson come into one of them. I'm going to try bottom left and then go around the room clock where clock work cut clockwise. Why? is like a clock. You get to what would we call it just below nine o'clock, the one that's below the nine o'clock fire. You Jam the key into the Keyhole and you twist it and it's fins and it's crunchy and it feels like it hasn't been turned for a while. Obviously parts of the key have been worn down. We got any fantasy? W D forty? You don't know. But it still does and we without that. A bit of spit, a bit of loop. It makes it work. And yes, Yeoldilube. And as it turns there's sort of like a you know on...

...a toilet, where it says like occupied and vacant. And yes, as you turn the key one hundred and eighty degrees, there's like a plaque that reveals itself that says quailish. That's KWU A L I S H quailish. Hey, that's the thing that was missing off the key. Yeah, and ash, given your proficiency with wood working and real life and being a boy who knows a lot about stuff, I know some stuff. Yeah, you're immediately just ruined by this revelation. You know that you will not get into this vault unless you have every single key. You need every single key to get in here and there's no way you can do it without this is the fourth time in your life that you've been looking for something and you've come across what everybody refers to as quailish locks, then you're not going to get through it at all. There's no chance. I'd like to roll a fucking look. Can I roll for luck and try and like just throw my fist at the lock? One, I'm just going to try. One's gonna Straight up and up and down roller dice to get in and if it's very good, then your hopeful thought something might up and down roller dies. Let me in. I am for this plan. Give it a go, give it a go, give it a go, of course I'll. CAN YOU gonna? You gotta try these things. Well, it's it's it's fucking one. That's not cool. Good work, buddy. You don't get in, you actually fall over. You fall over real hard. We're all hard. Take sixteen damage and pass out. No, no, but you do hurt yourself and you're not happy and you're even more miserable than you were before. So Do I know that? We can't get it? Doesn't him? Is Nimbus awhere of this actually, or, if you'd have the shocking revelation, kept it, kept it all to yourselfish self. Hang on, Nimbus, you're literally a cloud. You're literally a cloud. Whyn't you just go through the key? o? That would hurt my cloud bones, you nimbers. I don't think clouds had but I don't want to say no better than you. I don't know if that's racially insensitive. I have had one too many experiences of trying to squeeze into holes I was not meant to squeeze through. I won't do it. It's promise not to tell him what. Come on, now, do it. Okay. So we need to find these six keys. That's that's where we're at. I find I find the keys. Tom Tom I find the keys. They're over here, Tom, they're over here. I'd like to roll a key finding check. Then it's going to be a that's going to be a process. You can't just roll that. I rolled the fourteen on key finding. How, Ow, how? Okay. So with that, with that key finding check, you know that the keys aren't in here and you need to leave. So leave a okay, cool, thanks, great guards, tyrone. We escape, we running, we go through the wall, I think we got from the stairs, and just sort of go about the way you came. Really, if you want to, we're just going to go back there. We came. Let's go. Let's go right now. Solemnly, sit has one final SIP of the fountain before but for dripping his way out. Okay, good work, nimbles. Yeah, the two of you. Well, ash you trudge and Nimbers, you drip your way out of the tunnel system and as you emerge from underneath the guard's barracks, you hear the sound of a far away horn playing in what sounds like celebration, and you both sort of infer that another party of delivered the cure for the yell son. But whose son? Sorry, and the y'all, I'll Carl looking for a cure off a vampiresm fair Carl, yeah, Carl Son for Carl's who's caught being a vampire. He's been out there being a vampire. I've seen him doing M pork, I'm interestingly enough, though, one thing that you guys sort of forgot about, and I forgot, I mean that I just Fu can forgot to tell you, is that the Carl's son, in order to, you know, sort of stave off...

...the the Vampireism, he actually sealed him inside of a magical iron coffin and which is sort of mounted on top of legs that can walk around. And and Ashley, because you just know a lot about building stuff, you know that it's actually an early quelish design as well. You've seen this, this name, pop up a bunch of places. Yo to pretty whack that he locked his vampire some in a coffin. Robot. Huh, pretty fugging whack, if you ask me. How mean I like my vampires free range, cage, cage raised. Dampires don't take it's good. No, definitely know. You got to get them free range where they can get all that flavor and spice. Just out, just outside of the fortress, the sun is just starting to rise over the top of the barrier peaks that are to your left and it brings a warm, comforting glow that makes you guys sort of feel better after your rough adventure. And but as you begin to walk back towards the town of Ravens Moore, a low rumbling sound fills your ears. I would like to investigate that, find out what it is. It cool, feels ominous. You took the hint. Yes, I caught you with my bait. Go for it. Sixteen. All, very well done. Think. Yeah, an investigation check of sixteen. You actually look towards the sky and you can see that there's a giant blimp and sort of rumbling across and it's being pulled by two in normous golden smoke billowing dragons. Immediately actually, you kind of you've seen Nimbus under the light in him, which has kind of been just kind of cyclically going through kind of Bluey, greeny purply colors. Just instantly it just goes out on the site of dragons, which is a sign of clouds being arousal. HMM, it turns out Nimbers is just Super Horney for Dragon. Yeah, underneath the blimp and it looks like a small Bronze Hut. It is hanging down and Nimbus, being a man of the cloud of the world, you realize that this is the traveling convoy of a Naxi zephyrees. He's the greatest cartographer. That's the traveling convoy. And an axe, that zephre's Jeff Jefferson's seffres. No, we're not changing names every time. Anaxi Zephyrees Ashley, that Jefferson. I'm biggest fan. Know, I zoom. I am zooming. Assuming why? I'd like it to be known that in character. I look at my hand with a smoke. Right, this is the correct plan. Say the name a Naxiese frees all its way, a sign from God. An axe's a frees chases after the cloud. Okay, so the the BLOOMP is traveling in the direction of Ravens. More and even though you are really sounding real stupid numbers, you know that he's there to enlist support from the locals in uncovering lost secrets and trying to map the world. Well, if anyone's going to know where some fucking keys are, is this guy. For sure, he makes the best cloud maps, maps for cloud don't, suckers, Dick too hard, you fucking cloud boy. Okay, so what are we doing? What we're doing is we are rushing the carriage. I need to see Alice Jefferson, famed traveler of the world and, by the sounds of things, cartographer. Okay, well, you know we've been we've been recording now for a little while...

...and I feel like we've met a nice little book end to our adventure here. So I'll give you a little bit of flavor and then we'll hit pause and lovely the two of you hurry back to Ravens. More and a kind traveling dwarf passes by you and offers a lift in his wagon, providing you don't mind sharing the taxi with a chained death crest ape. And that's it for today. Boys, that was our session, our Dungeon and Dragon. I. What was your favorite? Actually, I really liked the dungeon. I like we saw, we did see a dragon. Wow, see eyes. It's like I planned that. It's like I planned it. Tom You're the best dungeon master. My only, my only quandrey now is how do you go on from this? You've got it, you've done it all. Yeah, I've I've beat it, but am there is, there is more of this story. Of course. I've written much more than just what we've done today. I know audience, I know that this was very different to what you're probably used to. I said that we would post the the map on in our instagram and also we'll post a picture of what a death crest ape looks like if you're interested. But I mean we'd love some feedback to know whether this is something that you might like to carry on hearing occasionally or if it's just really every ten episode we do. Maybe we yeah, every ten episode made, we do like a DD story, carry on and then we release it as a playlist. You know. Yeah, that sounds like a good thing altogether. Yeah, I like that idea. But, yeah, it's totally up to you guys. You know I mean, you know we we want to put out what you guys want to listen to, but we also do like the main form out of our podcast. So if this is something you like, you know we we all in week, the three of US enjoy playing it and if you want to hear more, we'd be happy to do that occasionally. So, yeah, thanks for thanks for joining US play this dumb, stupid game and we hope that it was interesting enough to keep you for whatever amount of time this ends up being. So thank you. But just before we do go, I just like to say a huge thank you to Tom and Alex being just being my friends. It's very wholesome. Yeah, I'm feeling it. I'm vibing Fan. It's been a rough work week and this podcast and the listeners and you guys. Yeah, how we threw it. so that's very sweet. Ashley. Well, I'm I'm glad to have been around the two of you playing this dumb fuck game and doing this dumb fuck podcast. How have you found Dungeon mastership? Um, it's, you know what, tough, and you guys are, Uh Huh, halfwit Fuckos, which which is good or is you know, makes it a little bit more difficult. But Tom's put us on hold. Tom's put us on hold. I feel like that speaks more volumes than anything else. Tom's called is secretary and said I don't have time to talk to these people. Now I'm back. No time. Know, you put us on hold. We were talking to the listeners. I'm sorry. Thought you were just too cool. How many facetime call ending sound effects do you think I have, Tom it's not many, many, many less. I thought, Tom We haven't got the budget to add the Dude S. that's the fucking windows shut. Yeah, that's not the Rell. That's the one I've used now. Perfect, great, and could you also do the crazy frog dingding for me? Well, yeah, yeah, that's good. As always, we will see you next week. By listeners. Okay, bye, bye, bye.

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