The 33% Majority
The 33% Majority

Episode 13 · 9 months ago

Ep. 13 - Preventing Predicaments, Present Pricks and Peering into the Past

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

This is the most superstitious episode of The 33% Majority, because it’s episode 13!

In this week’s episode, your 3 morning men (Alex, Tom and Ash), will each spend their 15 minutes of fame discussing the best ways to prevent natural disasters, whether beer is bad for children (yet another lazy Reddit segment), and some wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey stuff (respectively).

... eat it. Good morning and welcome back to a normal episode of the thirty three percent majority. This is a talk show where you'll find three friends, each fighting for their fifteen minutes of fame, as God intended. This is your host, real homeless boy, Tom Hutchinson. That's where you're being correct, although Tom is the real homeless boy, I'm the host, Astley Hall. No, I'm the real host, home full boy, Alex Spring thought so full of home. How we doing, guys? Good to be back, good to be back, is it though? You know, not really. It's an early morning recording session, and you know I hate these. Nine o'clock, Tom, Tom, it's nine o'clock. That's good, it's about to make it. It's not early morning. Then I remembered that I was twenty minutes late, so I'm not allowed. Yeah, you keep you keep that lips zipped, buddy, which which kind of you know, last week, I want to do this last week, but unfortunately we run into some issues. Last week was episode twelve, which means it's time for our quarterly reviews. Oh dear, what was in like, Oh, okay, check cormants, make sure we're hitting all those KPIS. That is that the sound of redundancies I hear on the horizon? Sorry, I how many minutes, like today, were you solid? Seventeen minutes, but I answered the phone at one minute past and was talking to you both about how I'm making a coffee and selling a rug so ash. I know that I'm not the one here doing the review, but it's probably not the best idea to say that a coffee is more important than starting recording. I'm going to be honest. Listen, if you guys want the funnies, you have to put the caffee eat. If you want the funnies, you have to provide me with any amount of any narcotic. Yes, comedy must be fueled by something, but I just wanted to let you know the probably telling our supervisor that right now probably not the best. Onlia and Tommy, you'll want to talk though. How many minutes later to last episode were you? Like thirty? Did even turn it up? Well, no, I didn't. The End I actually did show face. You know, I'd like to apologize to to everyone you know, sort of within the organization. You know I know that you know sort of a lot of people upstream. You know, Shit Rolls Down Stream. I understand that and I get that. Obviously, my lack of presence, it's probably not the most professional thing in the world. And what I what I would just say, though, you know, it's just sort of for the record. So that HR or aware is that you know, you know, losing my house to Poo people also, you know, did make it a bit tough. Did you manage to get all of the pool out of your microphone ready for this recording or it's still in there somewhere? But I mean it seems to be functioning. Yeah, cool, cool, just stinky, stinking when I get close to the MIC. I like that. When when Tom said it's not very pression of me to not have my presence, I imagine that's what Santa said. So any STUDS, that is Santa's one and only key performance indicator, that that is the only way you can measure under Santa. You add one job and you forgot to bring presents. I can't fucking believe that you're fired. Are that are the PRAIS? He's present. If, as a Baker for three hundred and sixty five days. I don't make any baked goods. I'm a bad baker. Yes, Santa, come on, come on, buddy sand tom think of all the little Christmas people's days that you've ruined. Apart from the grin, she was apparently loving it. Well, I mean, as good as this this goof is, Alex, should we? Should we jump right into our sort of core competencies? You know? Yes, and our core competencis is carrying on with the setup that I just put in place. Because what I get, guys, as I calmed, you now have several minutes of segment time. Could because what I want to do it, you know, performance review time. Guys, let's let's be honest. Attendance is a real key point.

Last week, Tommy, you weren't even in front of a microphone. No, this is just unacceptable, but it is because of behavior, acts of God, and so I kind of wanted to have a chat with you, guys. As this podcast grows at the steady yet impressive rate it is and we rake in the millions of listeners that we do want to a daily basis, I think we ought to have some kind of contingency plans in place to ensure maximum attend ants rich crispy waves, as opposed to me holding my phone against the microphone with Tommy on Speaker. Is that how you did that last week? Yes, yes, I did, no technical magical tricks there. Listeners, go back and listen to the last ten minutes of episode twelve and tell me that you're not impressed that that wasn't like. I didn't record my my screen and just click the audio out of it and I just put it on speaker and held against the Mike. So, guys, I want, I want us to have a think about various natural disasters or anything really that could prevent us from podcasting and try and set up some ways of mortigating any time loss for the business. Okay, profits are important, aren't they? Yeah, okay, well, I mean, like I could probably hold my hands up and say that living in a basement flat probably wasn't like the best idea because water, you know, wants to get in that. So, yeah, you know, I've sort of I think houses should start at ground and only go up. Okay, okay, well, the good news, because Poos can't climb Tommy, who is a slippery basketed and falls downhill. And I've got a new flat lined up and it's like fourteen floors upwards rather than being one floor downwards. So a remarkable improvement. Yeah, that's a whole fifteen levels higher than you'll be. Yeah, exactly. Do your ears pop when you go up the stairs? That's a real question, because I hate it with my ears pop and I don't think I could do it that. Any of you know, your ears will be fine, but you will have to wear an oxygen mask. Oh cool, at parish parachutes next to every window. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Yeah, just in case of a fire, because you can't use the lifts and I don't know if the stairs. Yeah, what happens in skyscrape is the natural disaster. was what happens it skyscopers when there's a fire? Do you like? Do you jump? I'm not, I'm actually right. I Apologize. This is now not comedy. I'm just highlighting this to you, Ashley, and I apologize to the listeners. No comedy here, no jokes, just the question that you just asked, though, as I just like you to think back to that fateful day at the World Trade Center. That's what tends to happen, but that's when there's a fire that's exactly the image, yeah, that I had in mind. When it was raised. I was like, Oh, Shan't bring that up because that's not good to talk about on a comedy podcast. But Tom what you did is you saw that mail and you look down into your hand with your hammer and was like yeah, I fucking think so. Yeah, and I like, you know what, you know what ash is really good a struggle to carry out as a joke? Yeah, it's not Leven, it's it's not eleven. That which is not funny. And Anyway, let's pivot away from that. Yeah, what if there was like a really big flood and and it came up to like the floor below you? Yeah, what do you did? Your build a boat out household goods. Yeah, take a door off its hinges and and titanic that bitch. Do you take your misses or do you say there's not enough room as you and your dog sail away? Yeah, I feel like probably, actually the dogs are more important, which, by the way, like sorry again to just make like make this all about me that with time, if this is going back to hundred and eleven, I'm like, yeah, when I know and the whole flood and stuff. So you guys, didn't you guys end up coming to that flat that I lived at for three months that got filled with Pooh, but essentially the doors that so we had a door that went up to the the street level, so you could either enter just through a normal front door or there was like a set of stairs off the street, and...

...so that sort of cavity was what filled with about eight or nine feet of water. And then my front door was was made of glass, and so the the the pressure of the water pushing up against it just smash the glass and, you know, this huge torrent of water came in. Now I was very lucky. My partner, Natalie, she was she was staying at another flat. She was dog sitting. But, and I know I obviously this didn't happen and it doesn't really bear thinking about, but the room that is right next door to the front door is the kitchen and the kitchen is where my two beautiful dogs sleep at night. Now, I was lucky that. I don't want a midnight snack precisely, but thankfully. You know, this happened at five o'clock in the afternoon. I saw it start to happen and I was able to get the dogs upstairs and to safety. But I sleep with earphones in. Right. I listened to other podcasts that aren't this one whilst I'm sleeping. There are other podcast yeah, wait, you and faithful me. All I do is listen to the thirty two percent. I've listened to every episode eight times. I'm I'm twenty percent about listen a bit. I'll you. You are you are ruining our metrics and I'm gonna mark that down on Ashley's review. Asked these performance review big tick. They're lovely m but if this suld, if it would have happened at one o'clock in the morning, my partner wouldn't have been there, I would have had my earphones in, the door would have smashed open and filled my house with, you know, six feet of pool water and my dogs would have been trapped in the kitchen. And you guys saw the video of my kitchen. It was it was very full of put, very very all the way up. HMM, it was. It was beef all the way down. Now it was Pooh everywhere, which is crazy. And the pool, the pool was like four foot five, four foot sixth tall, which is crazy. It was scary like it must have. At least it would have drowned me, because I'm a sure but I'm sure you were fine riding through it like the poos. Dr No, I didn't. He'p Poos Stride. I did not stride through the Pooh. I got the dogs out and just let the Pooh consume all of my earthly belongings. It just yes, anyway, Tom get your own friggin segment. Back off my sorry to go about your woes and the horror that you faced. Get do that in your sad second all right, mine. I want to talk about how you flood proof a flat entirely. And I think even though you live on the fourteen floor, flood can still happen all the way up there. But there as holes in flat, flat house holes. That's how you get in it. How do we get rid of holes in flat windows? M CAN'T WINDOW DOORS. HMM. Needs a bit more permanent than that. Actually, definitely can't have okay, so what if? What if we just, you know those big inflatable dinghies that you pull a coordinate inflate? Uh Huh. What if you had those in little boxes on every wall where there was a door or window, and then when there's a flood, you pull the cord and the they can put and then fills up and then covers that wall. It would actually work quite well in the winter months as a draft excluder. Yeah, it's a bit breezy outside, Mum, can you shut the window? I can be better than that, son Paul Cord. But then I suppose further to Alex is sort of original premise for this segment. The the dinghy, the lifeboat would have to be outfitted with sort of like a you know router, you know, sort of a portable microphone, a laptop to record from H and yeah, oh no, it's no, it's not going to be transport. I'm not saying how it as a dinghy for escaping. It's going to be a block in the water out it's going to be like strapped a wall. You pull it like a bring on the wall, but inflatable. With it, with a decent oxygen supply time, you could actually probably live several hundred feet under water in your pressurized flat with dinghies to keep the water out and just record, just record from the undersea the comfort of your home. MMM, no, where. Where is your home? I was thinking, Alex further to your point, if you to remove all doors and windows and all that kind of stuff. Did either of you guys play fall up for now, as...

I did, but very briefly, because I'm not very good at shooting games. They panic. Okay, well, I mean it's a pathos of the game. I wouldn't really call it a shooting game. It's more of just sort of like a technological mess. But look at this bad thing, a series of a series of weird but yes, it is essentially is all. But those two games are actually features. They're called feature. It's not a bug, it's a thing, comedies. That's why we keep them in. There's a there's a faction in the game that has a big, scrawling underground base and the only way they get in his teleportation. So I suppose if we could create teleportation that can circumvent any sort of natural disasters befalling your home because you just teleport. If anyone was going to invent telebrotation, it would be it would be yours, really, wouldn't it? Let's say so, stranger things have happened. I've been work. I've got that toed on my wrist. That's a weird thing. That's name. Might I'm banned thing and also my nicknames wide, but that's how of my roof. Or Stranger things happen, strange of exactly, because I'd go and see a punk band called I've got that tone. Yeah, at want tattooed on my wrist and headlining at the Oto next week. Come and listen to my music. How we're going to protect the a? What if there's a natural apples and we can't go and see it? Hey, guys, cut there's a bad come and see him please. HMM. Trying to yet trying to get back, trying to get people to come to his concert, but like not wanting to add. You really shy a good hey. Have you guys heard about that new band? You could come like they're here. Are Problems, a natural disasters, though, because floods aren't the only thing that affect folk. What else? It's there? You could have your house on sprea. You know what I was just about. It on his jokes. It's just about to say the exactly the exact same thing. Actually, what the fuck great minds thinker like? That's the move my rock punk. Thank to we both have a really good understanding of how to protect houses from earthquakes. And it's spring sale on the market in a an unattractive growing area excellent links to public transport. Is this three bird semi detached house with a garage, beautiful garden and it's got bill stain coil overs. Yet banging mate looks Ab so banging you'd love it. It's got camber, but only on the on the walls, on the sides, and it looks a bit pointy because of it. Yeah, I think that's what the leading leaning Tower of pizza was all about. It was just stance, new build house, static, life, breath. He's got one of those stickers. I'm about this says Hashtag built, not for despite the fact that it's a stock of course, as in my area they've got stickers saying built up board and it is a standard course, or they've done to put some vital wrap over the top of the window. You know, sorry, I keep me it say of those off moone. You know what there's I yes, I feel as though there's nothing wrong with being into cars. It's nothing wrong with modern your car. That's what you wish to spend your money on. Sure thing. I've never seen a sticker on a car though, and thought Ma, and that's cool. You've never seen my thirty three percent majority sticker. I don't know. Well, that that's that's the acception of that on your card. You. That's the way you do. I'll fucking I'll come everywhere. I'll just jeers. Now. Now we're back to floods again. Well, that's to be a second to catch up with. How do you keep Ashley's virulent seamen from from your house? This would be a different show if, instead of phone, told me you had a microphone full of Ashtrees. Well, first of all, I wouldn't have done half a job, like the pooded, I would have destroyed the money. But my my seeming especially potent. So we're going to protect from earthquakes with I'm moving away from my seamen, as we all should. I'm gonna pro take the house from seaman floods by having it have it inflatable walls that pop up when I press a button, and then I'm going to have the house on Springs. But you know, like a Jack in the box where there's like some little time, it's a string holding it down and then it...

...releases the string when you press the button. I when the music runs out, and then it's probably like a size momter built into the house and it just to detects earthquakes and when they're big enough, that's it out. Yeah, you're just fliers upward or to the air. I don't thought if he might be a bit aggressive, because if you're in the bath when it happens, you can have a really bad time. It's all right, well, wants the butts bills out, the inflatable dinghies around the doors and then you'll be from this just yeah, literally perfect. Okay, I've just had a great idea, guys. Is that so okay, rather than trying to prevent your house from being flooded. By the way, this idea also sort of removes the worry of earthquakes to why not just stead be a flood embrace the water. Let's just put houses on water with an anchor, like just all houses like a house boat. No, you're answer it there time, because one of the things I was going to suggest is how do you scope scape of volcano water? Volkay? Yeah, lava go in water, become rock again. Yeah, because you know Ash, everyone knows rock is safer than lava. Ash. I'm not I'm not saying house boats, I'm not saying a boat, I'm saying house float. Ah, wow, how's talking? I like, he's talking beautiful pristine cottage in the COTSWOLDS, but instead in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, on float. Yes, and then instead of cars, we have Jing skis or boats or just or just house. Yet behind this, let's say I'm kind of here. Let's say the supermarket that you wish to visit is like, you know, twelve knots to your fucking northwest, or however boat language works. And you know, rather than actually driving or like using a jet ski or using a boat, you just drive your house to the shops. That would be nice, because, oh no, I left my wallet at home. It's all right, it's here. It's on me. You could do like McDonald's drive through is, but on water. You just drive your house to the thing and then you're like, I can now eat McDonald's, warm, hot McDonald's and the comfort of my house, which is the only reason I don't really McDonald's because it's called by the time you have, because he's fuck, he's way too fucking passion eats McDonald's off a plate. I don't. That's not true. Yeah, yeah, Acshley, it's a big map with a knife and fork at horn. Hey, everybody gather round. That be the most. He's a big man with a knife. Said bore. There's nothing actually goes to McDonald. It's a fill oh fish. That was a weird way to say them. When you're a kid and someone gets you real good with like a joke and you're like the but of the class and you know everyone's laughing, you just sat there. You want to disappear to the earth that you eat. You eat a burger with a with a plate and a footnote and fork. That makes me feel like that. That, that gives me that hot, sweaty anxiety of being class joke at my gold. Fuck, no, I don't sorry too, sorry to just cut you off. Usually you're the butt of this joke. I would just like to just confirm, Alex, did you say fill at of fish? It is fellow of fish, file oh fish. I've never heard of anybody say that. I've just always thought it was a fill. Usually, as usually ask, you're the butter this joke. But, Tommy, I just want to raise some it with you. Did you think fill oh fish was pronounced fhill, it a fish. I just saw it's fill, it a fish. No, yeah, good. Oh, how the tables of table? I think your boat, your your house float idea works tremendously. The more I thought about had time to stew on it now and I think yeah, because what else? What else is it going to help with hurricanes? The only reason houses get destroyed in hurricanes is because the the bottom of the House, I'm they attached to the ground. Yeah, and the top of the house not so much so. When the hurricane comes to and it's like I want to spin that house round, the bottom is like no, I'm staying here, at the top is like yeah, go one, I'll give it a go, and then everything breaks when the top spins and the bottom doesn't. If you're on water, whole house...

...can spin. Yes, only for a tumble dryer, fun for the family, but then you're in the house. If you were spinning around on the plate with the pottery, you wouldn't be able to do anything because you just be you just be spinning round. If you were microwaving food at the same time as a hurricane came through, it looked like the food was standing still. See that that's the kind of science I'm here for. Okay, so most abstract thought I've ever had. Alex, that was a proper honorary stone of thought. I will let you know. That's good cush thinking. You got there. Thanks, but thanks, but way, I'm well into that. I'm a drug boy now, everybody is. It. Was it? WHAT IF WE'RE SPINNING IN THE MIC? WWAVIS, staying still? Fuck, how many podcast an entry, entry? What is it now? I've forgotten the days. Why? Think every level gateway a fence droke? Oh, they're they're a drug. It's a crime. Stop listening to podcast listeners. It's bad for your ear drums. That's not true. A Lot, I don't think, and I feel like, at specifically the moment, that we have sucked this segment dry of all the comedy potential. It had, the the friction. A is, but she's smoking right now. Are we ready? You should tell her it's bad for a quick grab an extinguisher. Let's go first one today, cock blocked by Steve Jobs. We've done this one. Feel that we've done this. Okay, just like pretend that we haven't, and I'll redo that bit. I think it's where you put if phone in. I think it's where girl puts it or boy puts earphones in to stop your floating. Okay, so I'm just going to read it. That I'm like, I'm just going to read it, and it's not. When you send a text to like an android phone from my iphone, it goes through green. It's not that one. I know that. Okay, so I'm just going to I'm just going to read it, guys, okay. And Yeah, it's gonna be different. The frictionators just fucking overheard. We have the first. What the frictionary? Please? Yes, the first one of the show. Yeah, this is a this is urban. What the frictionary? And the one that I've got here is cosby sweater. I'm not sure I like that. Yeah, so carsby's obviously a bad person, bad friend. Yeah, definitely, a bad friend, definitely, but I don't like bill know cosby sweater, where you wore ugly jumpers? Did? Yes, he did very that was like his whole thing. It was ugly jumpers and like being a bit rape nonsing. So yes, a bit. I don't. Didn't. I didn't pay attention because obviously bill cosby's not like an English he's not English. I didn't care. Knows, not only cause about English rapists. Yeah, I only did my geoping on English right now. That's not true. But yeah, Bill Cosby swear is it? Fuck, I don't know. I don't even know where you'd go with that, because I don't know if about bill cosby. I'm wondering whether I just know that he's nonsense. I'm wondering whether or not, like it's somebody that that's wearing it like an ugly sort of sweater, Allad the type that bill cosby might have worn, and you getting like a like a bad vibe from it, and then maybe, like the example would be, oh no, I can't go and speak to that guy because he's wearing a cosby sweater. That's the only thing that's running through my think that's that's as close as we're ever going to get, because it turns out none of us know anything about William Cosby. No, we don't. Do we show it? She which should? I just should we end this what the frictionary, very quickly and find out? Yeah, please, Tom Okay, Oh dear, yeah, we were really we were really far out with quite far off. So cosby sweater, the sexual act of eating fruit loops, fruity pebbles, tricks and Boo Berry or any other bright, colorful breakfast cereal and then vomiting the tacky, dazzling mixture onto your partner's chest. The result should look similar to the incredible sweaters that Bill Cosby war during his highlights as successful one thousand nine hundred and eighty...

Sitcom, the cosby show. And then the example says Nicole was overjoyed to receive a cosby sweater for her birthday. No, she was, I'm sure she wasn't. Not Pleased by this. Nicole didn't like it. HMM, well, can we have? I'm just gonna just hang on one. We have now. They mark this down on Tommy's quarterly review. What the friction are? Absolute did cross, big Red Cross. There we go right. Sorry, you're saying, as it took, about the fact that none of that mentioned bill cosby's present situation, which I think he's still a prison. Yes, a jail just got out of prison, didn't he? Reason? He released? Yeah, yeah, he's that. Is that the prison generally? I think he was released or something, because I remember there being a news art clay about him. Aren't you well oversot like. I didn't really like all of the words that were on it. I wasn't follows bill cosby's career with great actually knew all about the throwing up of the fruity flavor for colorful serials onto onto the chess and knew all about it. I was just ashamed. That's every Sunday for Alex. anyway, on the host now, and Oh shit, yeah, wow, that was quick. How I've got how? I've got whitlash now from how quick that happened. Got Some fucking friction burns from the fucking friction ator, mate for friction everything. The friction burns, their degree frictions. I hate this podcast. Everyone does. Don't worry, the listeners are listing as a form of self Abu. Yes, it's literally low. So, yeah, listener basis just made of say this. It's a place where people come to hate themselves. You know what actually surprisingly, and I settled on doing and read it stuff for my segments. Surprise, surprise, but I actually thought that I was going to talk about things that we hate about ourselves but we like to joke about. Actually feels like leads on quite well from what we were just talking about. So you guys, tell me would you want? You want read it or you want talk about what we hate about ourselves. See, the only thing I hate about myself is just how strong and powerful I am all the time, and even when I want to just like rub a nice dog, I can't because the strength and power that radiates throughout my entire body courses through my veins and it veins and his my every being. I can't control myself and I squash the dog. It's true. I've seen him do it. You know he before, before we met time I had a dog, I'd a great Dane that Alex petted, and that's how the Jack Russian was made. The deer didn't exist before Alex patted a draft just really overdid it by petting on the head. The whole neck just foo. If you do grab the antlers of a deer and pull enough, it'll constantina out and it will become a Gr affricat very much in the style of like a car aerial or something like that, and that's a message. MASTER USES ALEX to launch satellites into orbit. He just has to lift it with a slight amount of vigor. They're planning on raising the titanic out of the Ocean next year, and Alex is going to be the one doing it. They're just going to put me in a scuba suit and hopefully can do the job. The flood that affected Tom's house was when I was fistfighting God and he shit himself. Yeah, they're worried about a nuclear reactor overloading. They're just going to ask Alex to eat it. Could you quickly reactor? We have you. We're gotta have this not happen. The only problem that is, though, is if Alex is all powerful and all good, how how can we possibly know he exists? Because...

...you know, there there's bad in the world, and neither Alex isn't powerful enough to fix it, which I don't believe, or he doesn't want to fish, just get, which means he's not all good. Just I like to watch you play, and that's what I call human existence. I summarize it as that. I like to watch you play every struggle you have in your days. I watch it play out as my little pawns. Any minute he could step in and fix your life, listeners, but he won't, because he is not. I know where Madeline mccards, Jesus fucking Christ's dead. That's where she in, as it Jerry killed her. That's why she is. That's where she went. I know what the center of the Sun Tastes like. How come there are? There are millions of missing children right. Every one of them is a fucking tragedy. How could Madelin McCain's getting so much? It's still still to this day, they're still like paying feds more to keep looking. How what's that? As old, isn't it? It does you and build it's heart. It's heartbreaking that your daughter is missing. It's imagine it. You would want to follow at the end of earth, but we're assigning a lot of resources to one the white it's also yeah, especially what. I can't think of any reason, especially when you think of different especially when you think about the fact that you know Jerry killed her. That's where she is. He's quite chomos comes there like jet Jerry, Jerry McCann, I think that's his name. Jeremy, I think that's Jeremy McCain. You can't do that. Yeah, anyway. Shall I do my segment? Yeah, do you? Let's move away from Maddie. Yeah, probably its paired the dead girl and my fear, my frightening power. Yeah, my guy boy for Alex's Omnippotus, my guiger counter is ticking like crazy. And Anyway, so what do you guys want to? Want selfdeprecation or do you want to ask it Joan reddit stuff? The were like Pud you sell, I have should I'm going to start deprecating you guys like, yeah, I don't, don't put myself right. Let's do. Let's do. I'll lower it. I'm low enough already. Let's do reddit stuff. I've got a couple of AMI, the assholes, and a couple of asked reddits. So you know, you guys, just flip a fictional coin and tell me which one's first. Now it's your segment. You tell us what you're doing, Alex, why are you fighting me? Do I want Tommy? I want no, I'm not fighting you, Tommy. What I want, what I'm trying to do is help you find the strength within yourself. Dude, did I confidence? Tom I really got any strength of effidence? Time to you. Do you to decide what your segment is? You've consumed a lot, you know, after eating Chernobyl the second you've you've consumed a lot of my life force through this podcast. Own Your own density tongue. Good. Back to the futuring reference. They're okay, I've got an I've got an ask Reddit. If no, don't do that. Doing out the ASS. Okay, cool, I might the asshole for giving a three year old a beer already. No, not even a little. Should I read the the Ambul and Yeah, God give it, give us a little bit. User old column asks. Yeah, it sounds bad, but but it really was an innocent thing. I was at a cookout with my wife's family and I just opened up a cold one. My Wife's three year old niece asked me what I was drinking and I older it was beer. She has to taste it, so I poured her like a ten to sip out of a Plastic Cup, just thinking it would be bitter for her. But well, she liked it. She wanted more and I told her it was a grown up drink, but it was too late. She ran around the demanding to drink more beer. For the entire cookout. She wouldn't eat anything, just demanded beer, and they had to put her in a time out. Anyway, the inlaws a superman. Now the wife. She's not happy. So I might. The asshole edits. The kids are given water down wine on Shabbos. If it's relevant, update apologize and sorted out with the inlaws. They know I love the little rascal and would never do anything to harm her.

But even still, which is why I bought this bottle of whiskey. Even still, though, to apologize. Yeah, I've got some absinthe. I don't got some blindingly good moon shine. Yes, especial for your fourth birthday treat. But the thing is is that I remember drinking small amounts of Shandy, cider and beer when I was young like that. I feel like that's just like normal childhood. So maybe it's a problem with Americans and not. I don't know. Like is it? Is it frowned upon there? Well, well, the drinking age in Marca is more, isn't it? Twenty one there in eight and twenty. Well, if you look at a lot of coaches where they allowed drinking at a younger age, those kintries of cultures don't have, as it's been, drinking problems. Like if you look at England, when we turn eighteen we can drink. Before then we don't really drink at all. So when we turn eighteen chandering. Well, Shit Really Shink? No, zero percent. Is that the truth? Every fourteen year old in Britain has a memory of sitting at a park with seven friends sharing a three lit the bottle of frosty jacket so that they bought three pounds. Everybody got drunk at the park at fourteen, or one of those side of riders, White Lightning, one of those pocket sized sman off like vodka. I still do that every single Friday and just necking. Every single Friday I go to the park and I just have and buy alcohol. Fourteen year olds. Excuse me, can you go in this shop for me? HMM, I remember be but I remember being eighteen year olds as get Ashley. Actually Know Ashley. Go ahead, go ahead, bunny TAMMAS. She wants what crime you admitted to. A still on ash go for it, Buddy. Good I had a group of young men asked me if I could go and buy them some cigarettes from the shop. This is it a while ago now and they've passed me. So they passed me like a twenty nine. Ok, can you buy us some cigarettes? Will give you a cigarette, you can keep your change, and I was like yeah, sure. I went in there with. I had twenty Richmond please. I went in, I bought some sausages, the Richmond sausages, and I had them in the back of sausages and that ten of the change and just left. It was that's goody, good humor. Actually, I didn't laugh, but I laughed internally. Thank you. So, so bad, a bad thing you did. On the topic of drunk three year old. Yeah, I think three year olds act like they're drunk all the time anyway, so I think that can only be a good thing. MMM, yeah, no, I'd Jug. What if they sobered up because of it? Maybe the similarities between a drunk adult and a normal three year old. Stumble their mind, falling yet falling down. Yeah, constantly trying to take their jacket, jumper or shoes, yes, yes, yeah, yeah, in name Babbling, Hmm, picking up things that don't belong to them, putting things they find in their mouse. Yes, spending exorbitant amounts on credit cards. HMM, no way. Yeah, that's a hang that one. Do they have the three going to go into the AAA meetings once a we that's three year old. I feel like it's kind of a little a little sip for tries he's a three year olds, a ship bag and was raised without discipline. HMM, to just run around demanding beer from every fucking snitch. SNITCHES get fucking stitch. It's like, shut the fuck up, I gave you a fucking bood of bood. You're fucking tongue to book a flight now and you need to go and stab this child. Okay, cool, so we've just we've determined that the big giver not an Asshole. The fucking three year old sucks. Okay, well, the sounds of thing are uncle, very cool, a councole. Yes, anyway, let's have a let's have an ask Creddit, shall we? Only if we can promise never to use the word Kunkle again. Can't promise anything, but I'll try. This ask credit is was asked by Bob Oka twelve and Bob oktwelve asks. If Jeff bezos became an actual supervillain, then who would be the Superhero to stop him? Now, when I...

...read this, initially I thought well, you know, sort of picking a superhero that could defeat normal, regular man with lots of money, Jeff Bezos. You know, there's a lot of superheroes, but then I figured maybe they mean if Jeff bezos becomes a super villain, what regular person in Earth, prime here, would become the Superhero to defeat him? And so easy, easy, gone easy. Librarians, all of the librarians in the world would join forces and defeat the online book man. What? They come together like a Megasord, files of librarians just following monster made of Librarians, made of nothing but sharp tongues and steely glares. See, I was wondering, just vile, flesh colored, seething rage in Librarian flight. Stranger things season three, kind of monster vibes. Yeah, that would happen is they would use their enormous sword and they deal the killing blow and they looked the camera and the just say over you you something, some cool librarian finishing, finishings phrase. Yeah, so cool librarian finishing for is is what I call it, which just before I ejacul. Oh good, yeah, cool, we see. I was thinking it. Within the the DC comics universe, lex Luthor, renowned superman villain. He's a bald guy with lots of money. That that's his superpower in the comics, that he's just got many money and tries to stop superman all the time. Okay, but then I was thinking, you know, within the DC universe as lots of superheroes and in reality, you know, are we going to get some kind of alien from another planet who can fly and shoot laser beans? Probably not. But we do have many billionaires, Allab Bruce Wayne, who's parents could be dead or murdered, that could use their money to train their bodies and become the world's greatest detective like Batman. So what billionaire do we think could be Batman? With which billionaire's parents could we kill? Yeah, and then, yeah, yeah, subsequently they would become Batman. To Take your point, Tommy, and kind of take it out of the the realm of published fiction and into the realm of thirty three percent majority fiction. With Your Trillo bocks. What would you do to Stop Jeff Bez on? Fine, quish to vanquish beesman? Okay, the bees al that bezy. What would is super super villain? Name be theesman, be's or bass like I'd like, yeah, like from fucking jet Jeffrey, Jeffrey, but yeah, she's a pretty villainous dame. I don't know anyone called Jeff isn't a villain. Okay, Tis I Jeffrey prepared to face the wrath of Geoffrey? How would in my head, that's how Jeffrey Bees us. Laughs. Okay, I have an idea as to how I would defeat him. I would get like a card reader. I'd hack the card reader, because I've only ever hacked like a like a couple of main friends before. One or two haven't act very many, but yeah, you know there's a there's a lot of online tutorial so I get a card reader and yeah, that there'll be some hacking, hacking tutorials. I hack it, hacking for dummy. I hack the card reader to take away the like forty five pound contactless limit or whatever it is. Right. Then what I do is I also increase the surface area for the contactless so, rather than just being on the reader, I wear a suit that is a contactless reader. I become contactless boy, and I basically ought really the easiest and quickest way to defeat Beezel boss would just be to give him a rugby tackle, you know, at and then rain him and then, yeah,...

...and you would become zero point one percent more wealthy once you drained Jeffrey of all of his good funds. Yeah, because I've got the Trillo books already. Yeah, but you got triller bout. You don't give a shit about a couple of bill MM. But you see, I'm I'm like, I was going to say agnostic. I am, I'm. No, what's the word? When you're when you're good, but you know, you don't really fight for a cause. He just like you're just your amkist. No, no, not that one. That's the opposite. Totally outic, chaotic good. Your character aligned. Yes, chaosic good. I don't really care why I'm doing it, but it's the right thing today. Yeah, see, I just give him a real aggressive hug and then I'd win. And then, and then, once you roll around on the floor for a bit, exchanging blows, he's penniless. He stands up in his hands catch fire and he looks down and you time as you lay on the floor, full of wealth but devoid of any human contact or love, and he goes. You think this is my final form? No, it's prime time. Prime Man is Amazon joke. It's just Amazon dot money. That's good, that's Yoah, a few well done, well done, most work. Thanks cool, okay, but prime man, I'm prime man. Okay. Should we have prime and prime and Thomas Prime, and should we have one more? I've got one more ass credit that I thought would be fun and then I'll relinquish one hosting. Use A carvered heart, and I'm not just pouncing that. Weirdly, it's with a K, so it's not like carved heart, it's with a cat. carvered heart asks what can you say during sex, but also in an interview, and I sort of thank you for coming. I like to see things through till the end. Was that good for you? I love you. Did you come, which I ask every interview I've everybody. Is The pay negotiable? Yeah, okay, let's see. There's going to be there's going to be some real comedy in here somewhere. It's okay, we could have a think. We can cut out all of the long silences. What we think about comedy? You get on top now a Shuld we change position? Then you just become the interview I always come on time. Yeah, how about I interview you? Why do you think you're good for this job? yeahbody ask you that during sex, I'd have a breakdown. But I'm sorry, why do you think you're good enough? I don't. I'm just happy to be here get the toys. This is the best job I've ever had. MMM. Are there any benefits? Do you guys prefer it if I work with my hands? Can? Do you get a discount? Any local shows? Who? Oh, yeah, I could say that. Say That an interview, you could. So you could say it. Got The pull table through here, all of the tea and coffees provided. Ah, Oh yeah, are you on birth control? No, Oh, I've got one. I got one. The interviewer says to you. You know what, in your work history proves that you know you're a good fit for this fictional company that I work for. And you've got your CV in front of you, you and you're looking at it. So you're reading it. You rotate it a hundred and eighty degrees, you push the piece of paper towards the interviewer, you take your finger in the air next to your head and you put you push your finger down onto the pain, onto the piece of paper, and you go right there, right there, yeah, right there, right right, yeah, right there. Yeah, do...

...you mind if I have a cigarette during I say every time. Have you smoke it? Hmm, step Bro, what are you doing in my room. Oh No, close the door on your way out. Yeah, Oh my God, we don't call those. Will call you. Yes, I'm sitting lots of candidates today. Yeah, I've still got five or interviews. I'll call you if if they're not as good as you I got another one, guys, I got another one, guy is. I got another one. The comedies right here. Okay, so go on. Okay, so we've now. We've now passed the you've done the the written assessment and we passed the the verbal part of the interview. Now for the the final part of the interview, role play. So if you just put this heads out and go in the other room for Ya. I hope you don't mind if my other coworker watch out. Yeah, you could definitely say that and I take notes. Cut. Yeah, do you mind if we record this for training here? Yeah, well, I feel I feel like we as far as ask credits go, I feel like we've milked that one dry. So, yeah, good work. You could. You could say that during US our milk that. Yeah, because and I like Alex has. Oh No, please, are they said a Yuck again? Oh Wow, and speaking a yucky thing, speaking of Yucky, can you hear the cheat, cheeping Chub, Chub. Oh, you just think I wanted a really quick edit this week. Tom Sorry, buddy, Chub Chat. I've stuffed to do today, Chach, and now I've left it longer. So I've actually got a repeat. Yeah, I've got to repeat the church in and it's still going. Now. This is one. Do it? Do you think? So? This is the this is the second urban what the Freak Shinary, and the one I have here today is bro Sarma Been Larden, so like Osama bin Laden, but with bro like bro Broke Sarma initially sounded like a delicient, delicious, fragrant Indian dish. Okay, Oh, it sounds like I'm for dinner. MMM, that sounds like something curried. It sounds good. Okay, is I don't think it will be that. You know, I can't, unlikely because of the Bin Laden, the bin Larden bit. MMM. MMM, to be honest with you, like I actually I kind of didn't think about the comedy when I picked this one, because I don't know really, you just saw it and was like yeah, I'll put that on the pot to edgy right. You know, we're an edgy podcast. We've got that sort of that that edgy humor when we talk about coming and shit in a piss in. I don't know. Okay, I've got gross humor. Yeah, yucky jokes, nasty, Commonas Arma been larder. Is it that that horrible terrorist, but he's got a good hat on? Okay, perfect. Is it the name? Is it by the name from meme and like it's like a I don't know, like a yeah, picture of Osama bin Laden, but he looks like a total old broad dude, like he's fucking yeah, you know. I mean. It's when, instead of doing a terrorist you just do a very good skateboard trick? MMM, or live in a Frat house? Would okay, we'll show you. Just like find out what it is. Yeah, have to know. Actually, do you actually have any sort of like? I think. Is it when you...

...get a day off your job because of a terrorist attack? Thanks, Bro Sams on, Oh my good nurse Jesus, quite would it? If it's that, I'm going to be upset with you, Ashley. It's probably be worse than that. I don't know why you're fucking okay, so this is this is the result. Bro Sama Been Laden, a best friend that you never see he's always hiding or just at home, named after the infamous best friend you never see, O Sama Been Laden. And then the example says, Mike, Hey, where's Joey at Daniel? I don't know, man, he's being a real bro Sama Been Laden. You know what, I can see us using that in conversation all the time. Yeah, it's just the worst wall. Sorry, Internet, you've bought shame onto our podcast. Yeah, it's not. It's not the thirty three percent majority a concept. It's the thirty three percent majority a disappointment with does the savagery? No, no about it. Simply doesn't. Ashley, would you like to host this show now? That's very kind of you to ask now. I wouldn't fuck it now. Thanks so much for listening, everybody. We're like big shout out to one of our listeners. I'd like to recede by now. Would actually put a yes there and offer you the opportunity to time travel with me and change one small thing for the most comedic effect. You're allowed to move an object, you're allowed to change a person's one thing about a person, probably physically, because if you change view points you're going to really fucking with some shit. But yeah, we got back in time. You Change One thing. What would you change? You can go back for comedic effect. Only I'm not saying, like I, let's go back and kill Hitler and make the world a better place. No, no, no, I'm here for the comedy, right, humor. Okay, so have you got a shure if you just been like watching that new low key TV series on on Disney plus recent I have not, as I huge marvel boy. Well, that's so weird, because that is literally like, you know, they're sort of just doing some time jumping, sort of hopping around the timeline and shit, you know, crazy little variants on you know, regular shit. So okay, well, weird coincidence. Stranger things have happened. It just so happens. That's who I am as a person. HMM. Okay. So what was your idea then? GOING START US off? Then this is your segment. So picture this, if you will. I go back and I change every single cigar that at Winston Churchill smokes and I place them all. Every fifth one I replaced with a fire craw Oh, I like it. So he's midway through is really important speech and then just boom right. So in this scenario, would Winston Churchill do the first one and then, like the course of history would change and he would learn that cigars explode when he does fire to them? Or is this just for every cigar? Anytime he smoked a cigar? Ever, it just goes back in his head. It just goes by. It's every fifth one. So he's gonna get comfortable, is going to have a couple of cigars and then he's going to really have just goofed it massively in the worst kind of way. HMM, okay, okay, okay. I would go back in time and I would change. I would find Roberts a machis so in the early s and I would convince and that, although the delorian is very cool and should you know, it's a good contender for the back to the future trophy car, I think actually they should use a fear Chin could quick Chedge Co. Okay, perfect, I didn't say it right. Just a very little car, just with our good friend Dr Brown and Martin mcfly cramped inside of it, with the thees rap around. There is interesting side note. I think that actually the time...

...machine in batch the future was originally supposed to be a fridge. Yeah, I think it will really I've heard. Yeah, I've heard that. Yeah, and I think I know how you get one of those up. Twenty eight morning hour. MMM, yeah, it probably would have made for a less exciting film because, yeah, stationary fridge. But but then I think cliff, I seem to know of, you know, a very famous TV program where there's like a surgeon type dude or something and they do time travel and it's like it's like it looks like a fridge, that it's blue, though, that they time traveling. Is this it? I'll stop you. There is this Dr Yeah, exactly, that's the one I such totally lost on me. I was like Tommy talking about this time around. I think I'm about to learn some stuff. I'll buckle in. Did you guys watch Dr who when you were younger? Yeah, only when it was what's his name, the good doctor, that David Ken tenant, the Scottish doctor. Yes, it's pronounced ten inch. Oh, yeah, because huge, throbbing Dr Don got that monstrous time bending down just his dull is Dalek's ready to a stove examined. Not My best sense time Bending Dung and not my greatest work. Dr No, Imagine Sonics longer way you can go back in time and you could change the here I have it. This Scotland's national animal is a Unicorn, which I think is dog shit because you can't prove to me that's real. What if we go back and instead we badly draw one of those haggist creatures? Oh Yeah, you know, Short legs on one side could only ruround in circles on hills and their national creatures just the HAG is. No one will know. We will change it, will come back to the present. Everyone. I be like, Oh, it's funny that they're that's no, creature doesn't exist. Yeah, but now it's funny because it's a Haggis. What if elephants had hands? Well, yeah, okay, but that's not time travel. That's biology. Really. Yeah, if you go back far enough, I'll say, if you go bout far enough to the moment they evolved from fish into Effellen, I just go from hands. I mean to be there, to be fair. So on that one probable. To be fair, Alex, you have perfectly just described the theory of evolution, that a fish just turned into an elephant like they just diverge just like that. Well done you. Yeah, that's that's, however, loution. I'm going to go back in time to when the first when the first fish, was crawling out of water, and I'm just going to kick it back in. Just fuck off, fucking run up, boot it back in. No, you fucking don't, you little shit. Okay, I have to exist because of you. So like the the sort of like this, the subspecies of apes that started to develop, like, you know, the use of tools and everything, and you just run over to them. That's mine. Fuck you. How much different would the world be if you went back to the caveman times and just left them an iphone? The World Be? I don't even know. I think that'd be horrific. Imagine, if you've never seen any technology, you've been using a torch that you made out of some sticks in a rock. You've got an axe, also sticks in a rock. You have a bed and a house, sticks and rocks, and then somebody passes you an iphone. I've always thought it'd be funny to take like a attack helicopter back and become God. It's like an Apache. Yeah, just like many yeah, up in like you'd have a really you have a hang gun, you'd have an attack helicopter. You'd fly and you would be a dragon. People would be like, Oh my God, it's a fucking dragon. It's a real life, scary, Loud Dragon. You could ruin so many like inventor's days. Alexander Graham Bell, I've I've done it. I've invented the telephone and then into existence. You were peer and you just give him an iphone ten and just go. That's not even the newest one. We don't even care about this. By this one, that this one is not even expensive. You can buy this one for less than a decent meal out. Have a good day. By. I'd put this in the bin. If I could time travel, I'd go back and I'd change the names of all the popular companies to like Poogle and spammers on and...

Al Fresco instead of TESCO, and sayings bums rather than Sainsbury's. These are very British ones now rather than online ones, and just space to an American one. Now, spacebook rather than facebook, or, I don't know, I would change porn hub to like friend space or like, you know, the hog zone, like, yeah, that's what, that's what. That's what I would do if I could time travel. That's why? I like, yeah, that's what I would do. I go back and I'd replace Margaret that show with a frog. No, I don't think. Note this. I'm going to take a really big frog back and say, Maggie, you've done great, but here's a frog. By yeah, it's I mean very state Maggie to the keys time. It's listen, Maggie, accept it. The FROG. He just knows, he just he knows more than you, the from bagging. The people have voted. I fucking hate marcuts, that chef, fuck bitch. Listen, Maggie fucked more minors over then bill cosby did. Yeah, probably all the Chilian miners and miners that Chilian miners in racist or whatever. It was underground mining and then like, not underground mining, miles like you. Keep explaining, you stolen joke. Keep going, go and do it. I'm trying my best. I'm just out here doing what I can. Is vibe and DOE's keeping it one hundred keeping it's so real, so tight, so fresh. Love it. I'd change fashion. I'd go back and I'd like I'd take my favorite outfit, which is my work clothes, so my overalls and like a deadim jacket and I'd take that, maybe a hundred years ago, and just give it to somebody. Look how hard wearing these trousers are, you need them. And then they'd wear them and be like Oh, this is the fashion now. HMM. Okay, that's a strange one that you've just said about to do, a strange one where you want to give a stranger your old clothes. Well, yeah, I would him to that. I want to happen to a fashion design and be like, Hey, here's what we're all wearing in two thousand and twenty, you know, twenty one. What I do is I'd go back, you know, a couple of decades and I'd buy land. Oh, and then you'd have money, quite clear. Yeah, it's Landon London property. It's not funny, but I feel pretty good right now. God, you could buy like most of England, because if you were back in time you'd be very wealthy. I would I would actually just buy like a nice hat, a nice enough actually, just not even nice enough. I would force, you know, a past family member to purchase a house in London. That's what I do. And then you know that that would, you know, be in the family at that point, because that's how most people are now. Yeah, great, great, great, great, Great Grand Dad. You really want to avoid any of these in made of ail, because on one faithful evening in two thousand and twenty one get poop a shit soon army. Yeah, Alex, you could go back and warn term about the flood. Nah, I wouldn't know. Yeah, I think he's better as a result of it. I I think he's great character building. Tom Needed some adversity and there's like, yeah, I've never struggled. I have some stuff. I've never struggled. Keep the struggle. So you've I think you had too much stuff. Thanks. I don't really know. If anything, that's the correct way of thinking about it. You just got to have more struggled to be a better person. By that logic, anyone that's been around like medieval times would be really sweet to say you should bring them to the future, because I all they did was struggle. Yeah, true, just bring a pauper or a peasant, go, go, take him to the dentist. Imagine that. Oh, yeah, be so if you got somebody from, yeah, couple hundred years go bought into present day, I think they'd be so grateful. MMM, this is the NHHS, it's all right. You stopped ute you. You stopped you too. You don't...

...have to die. Yeah, you don't have to lose your leg. Now, you know you got yeah, you don't know. Okay, HMM, I know, I know. You've got dysentery, but here's some tablets. That will stop me from doing pulling yourself to death. This is it's just a little bit of salt. What we're going to do is we're just going to balance out the salt levels in your body. Again, you'll be all right. I'm just going to plug you up. Is going to plug you up, but in a medical way, not with a you know, like a cork. Hey, look, we know that you cut your finger making some food and it got infected. Now you're dying, but hey, we can, we can just give you an antibiotic. Yeah, it's okay. Make sure you finish the course, though. You've got to finish the course, finish the antibiotic qualification. You know, I would do you know how in like these like ancient caves, you find these like drawings of like mammoths and like men and all this kind of stuff. I would take a big stents or cut out of like my face. Just go and scribble, scribble that real deep on a cave wall somewhere, and then come back to present time and they'll be like, we just discovered this fucking dudes face and we think it's from like three hundred years BC or whatever. And then I just this is what God looks like. Yeah, and then I just call at the BBC and go, guys, I look like the God drawing. And then I'm on the news and then I've got book deals and then I have my TV program and I it's called God or not. And Yeah, your successful podcast program you'd think through some majority that you bring up with you and you don't forget about your birds when you rise to fame. No, because then at that point I'm I'm God. You know, people think I'm God reincarnate. Say I don't need this anymore. So you'll be. You'll be too. I'm pretty tired of my cohost being intermensional Gods. It's pretty inconvenient. First Alex, now you. I'm just sat here being a moll. I'm pretty pretty sad. Would win in a fight between me and Tom as God's who would we? So, Alex, I've I don't know, see you know how Godzilla can shoot like his atomic breath. I would imagine Alex after eating, you know, a nuclear power plant. You might have a similar ability, but I don't know. I feel like you know, with my with the fact that I've existed in the sort of like collective mindscape over, you know, so many thousands of years, that maybe just my light object permanence would win against your nuclear breath. The real winner is me, because I get to watch it. You've watched so many Superhero and action movies that your brain is just full of dais mack has. Yet you can just you could just throw them out. I think I missed an x and that weird Latin phrase. I just want to it's to throw in because I learned it earlier this week. This week they are sex MAC and the air, sex MAC in air. Shit. Fuck that. I tried to sound smart and I didn't do a good job. Shall we finish the podcast? Yeah, probably actually sort of running up against it. Yeah, let's go. I'm rubbing up against that, not running and rubbing. Yeah, Card just is. I was going to do comedy from that, but then I realized that it isn't funny. Actually not your thing, my thing of it is. Yeah, this podcast, see that time just tore me down there in the most polite way've ever been torn down. I'm so I'm so impressed. No, no, no, no, I was actually, I was actually being super polite. I was going to bounce off of your comedy, and then I realized that my comedy wasn't in fact comedy. It was just words. Sometimes comedy can be just words time when I'm here for it, my sweet yeah, but they're not be bad, they're not mutually exclusive. Words can be comedy, but not all words are comedy, and in this scenario I was just saying things. So it wasn't, I wasn't I wasn't ripping you, but he was ripping myself. Anyway. This has been a podcast called the thirty three percent majority. That's all that. That's all any of us want. ME. Yeah, okay, well, this has been a podcast. Thank you for listening. I've been your host, Tom Rchinson. I've also been a host of some variety, actually whole, and I've been your host Alex Springthel. See you next week. Bye, bye, bye.

In-Stream Audio Search

NEW

Search across all episodes within this podcast

Episodes (34)