The 33% Majority
The 33% Majority

Episode 15 · 1 year ago

Ep. 15 - Bad Parenting and Belated Birthday Bullying

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

This is the 15th episode of your favourite bad podcast, The 33% Majority.

In this week’s episode, your Birthday boy host (Ash) will spend his 15 minutes of fame discussing yet another load of weird and wild ‘Am I The Asshole?’ submissions, whilst the other 66.66% of the group (Alex and Tom) will spend their allotted time deep diving into Ashley’s entire segment history.

We hope you enjoy this walk down memory lane.

Yeah, I've done one hand holds the micro the phone. Wait, no more, Ashley. If you're one king, now you've got to tell us or it's entrapment. Hello and welcome to the thirty three percent majority, a podcast where you'll find three friends fighting for their fifteen minutes of fame. I am not your special birthday boy host, Alex Springthorpe. I am also not your special birthday boy host Thomas Hutchinson. According to this complete surprise to me, I am your birthday host as whole. Happy Birthday. Thank you both so much. Happy Belated Birthday, but yes, it's been the best birthday. My birthday was yesterday as of this recording. I won't tell you what day in case somebody decides to see my identity and steal all my belongings. One of my new belongings is very worth stealing. So listeners, Tom and Alex brought me a lathe for my birthday. Tom Alex and their partners got me a lathe and I've wanted one for maybe five years and every time I've gone to pick one up it's been one of those things where it's like, Oh, I'm not going to use it, or I'm going to use it, but it's not a good one and I've used it twice already. I spent today cleaning it and stare and loggingly he in ways you probably shouldn't touch machinery, but it is the best thing that I've ever seen. And if you want to see what I do with it, it's Halland Ivy on instagram and horn and ivy on it see and facebook on birthday. Boy, we do in short touts for we promoting? Are we cross promoting our brands? Yes, sir, yeah, I am. Yeah, I'm shouting out the fact that my beloved, beloved co host got me a lathe that I'm going to use it to propel myself into being a minute are as just quickly on on behalf of the listeners. What's a lathe? So a lathe is it essentially a motor and some belts and pulleys and then a little spindle that you attach a piece of wood to. It spends the wood very quickly and you can make vases and bowls and butt plugs. And I be super reductive and define it as a very big drill. Yeah, it's just a very big drill that you slap your workpiece on too, and then you just bash them chisels against it until you get what you're very cool, and then the wood does spinning and you can chop bits off. Yeah, so I was going to do my segment today, my special birthday hosting. I was going to do it on laths and then I realized I'm not very good at it. Yeah, hired, welcome back to my segments. Today we're talking about lads. I've got one anyway. That's what I know about ladies. You know, thanks, guys, it's been a pleasure. Else it's I'm not going to hang around for your section. I'M gonna be a real POSSI believe, just record some audio clips of you chuckle at things and that we could just chop them in. No, now you're just going to put the listen remix in. I'm editing this week, so I'd really rather you didn't do that. It's going to be difficult for me. Hang on, we set Tommy. We said there's all the last episode, that you are editing that one, and that didn't happen. So yeah, but I feel like I actually might have to do this one. So well, I won't do it. It's Tom Copying out by not speaking so doesn't have to edit it. Okay, well, maybe it's just as we just relays lowly, cross talk and over top, like there is I just spoke all the way over Tommy. Then that's Tommy did a bad job of editing. So so enjoy. I think what I'm just going to do this whole podcam is it's in audible. I'm kind of just because ashes. Oh God, okay, thanks, guys. I mean it's we found. What I could just do is that if you if you outright refuse, that's fine. I'll just release three unedited audio tracks and let them listens. Put together. It can be sort of like a do it yourself kind of Blue Peter just releasing fucking Marcanno podcast. Yeah, yeah, exactly. A now that, I think the trick is, is to release them one at a time and then have the real wizards have three streams, and that way we get three streams for everyone. Let's welcome to episode, whatever one this one is. You just going to open three tabs. You can't use all the same platform there. You know what I mean. You have to spotify and then youtube and then sound there. Yeah, we need we need it. We need all the streams everywhere. We need the multiple streams anyway, and anyway, you know how we always do an anecdote before we actually do a podcast. HMM, I bought a car, Alex. yeah, there's a second part to my story. Oh, I don't have a car anymore. Perfect. I bought a car on Monday. On Wednesday it decided to break down and on Friday to day, it's been taken away by the dealership again to go and have over a thousand pounds worth of repairs done. Congratulations, may the fact that you don't have to pay for that is brilliant. Yeah, I did, if you had to pay for that. HMM. Quick question, Alex, and just for the listeners again. What did you name the car and the reasoning behind it?...

Well, it was the HMS, HMS Insignia, and that was because number one, well, I was an insignia, and number two and HMS, because I think that's something nautical, like a boat. Yet and it was quite big, like a boat. Is Cool. So hmss insignia is in the boat shot. It was large and in charge and it did seem like a bar what. It was big. I liked it. It gave me a sense of grandeur over other reconnecting to Alex Y. Hi, Tom, hey for the listeners. We we just lost Alex there, so hopefully he'll be back soon. I can hear them, though, so I can still join in. Oh, he's back. Oh, hi, Alle I was able to hear you the entire time. That's weird, isn't it? We got some bleach. Oh No, he heard us talking shit about the HMS Large Barton charge. Oh No, we've been caught in the act. This is a ratress, this is chaosic already. Ashley, are you going to you assuming the role of hosts to begin with us, but as birthday boys, I demand birthday boy privileges and I'm going to host first and I'm not going to wait for you to say yes or no, because I am what some would call dope as shit. So I would do some Ami the assholes, because I can't do lathes yet because I don't know enough. I'm gonna I'm just going to read the first one I found this afternoon when I was thinking about doing this, that I think we can all relate to. Am I the ASSHOLE for calling my eight year old sister selfish? HMM, my a fourteen female little sister, eight female, was always a selfish person. I mean a it's hard to make a decision. But yeah, I remember even when she was about two and three and I was nine, when we went to the pool and my dad would eat French fries, I would have to watch her eat and wait until she was done so she wouldn't have a Tantrum. HMM. Now, with age, this hasn't changed a bit. Yeah, she's she was two in that one. She's she's nine now. She's eight now. Sorry. Even last week she was promised McDonald's if she allowed my mom to pull her baby teeth. Oh No, she did, and when she's yet casually figured out who the asshole is. But cold continue she did, and when she heard that I would also be getting something, she started crying and demanding only she gives. You must pay the teeth fine, pay the tax of tea. After something similar happened today. She wouldn't give my dad, if you, fries, even though she also had a burger and nuggets. I kind of what these practice families having take away a lot. I kind of went off on her and said something along the lines of, you know, this kind of behavior might because of the cute on t others, but you're getting too old for that and trust me, you won't make any friends in the long and if you continue active like that. Now my parents are saying I went too far and they are mad at me. Am I the asshole? There's a lot to unpack. Yeah, there's a lot there. Every single eight year old is selfish because, hey, do you want to know why? It's because they're an eight year old. Yeah, and that's just why you're olds do, is be selfish. Empathy is a learned skill. You know what I mean? I've never met an eight year old and Gone God, they were so considerate and kind and thought about my feelings and how their actions might have impacted them. Now I met in eight your older went. That one was an eight year old. Yes, we see. The thing is is that the human child, when it's born, it has a human brain, but that human brain has to be filled with human knowledge right up until they learn social norms and sort of like how to be a good person. They are basically just a mammal that eventually begins to talk more. And you know, as far as mammals are concerned, they just do what they please constantly. So I can't necessarily blame the kid, but I mean I think that what the sisters said was definitely valid. To an extent it's valid, but can you say it to a nine year old your sister? Sure, you can say it to a nine year old, but eight year old? No. Yeah, a that that year is develop mentally important air and without it they're going to grow up into some kind of maternal figure within like a family unit, and what they're going to do is they're going to say, I will get you bees choker if I can remove teeth, and I just don't think that's conducive to a good human being. Bribing. Now, what's the mom using the teeth for? Is the real question. Like, what do you need baby teeth for? She's a witch. She's making a tooth sweater. Call Black. Nailed it. No, no, that's it's perfect to sweat. It's a spell component, I'm telling you. Yeah, somebody called the Olympics because that one. Who that went down. Thank you, thank you. I think she's using the teeth to trade for cheeseburgers, and the local McDonald's is actually the bad guy. Good and once again, guys, as always, dear listeners, corporation was the asshole. This year. It's just me and my agenda. HMM, yeah, I think I'm going to I'm going to say the actually, I personally think that the sister isn't the Asshole, but I do think maybe she could have handled it in a less aggressive way. You know, it's...

...the parents, isn't it's the parents that are the assholes. Parents raised them both. So really, any of the bad jobs? And also, if you're giving one kid something, you should give both kids something, unless it's a bit yeah, we learnt so much about the parents in this am I the Asshole Reddit Post. We learn okay, you raised a grotty, yucko eight year old. Hmm, the dad sits and eats fries while one of his children is supposed to watch the other one eat fries. Yeah, the mother must remove teeth. Don't look away, you watch your sister. We learned a great deal, and I think, yes, poor parenting, asshole parenting. Okay, yes, parents to the asshole. So the more the moral of all know, Asha went made for an of you, sorry, Buddy. The moral that this day, the moral moral of this story is don't bribe your kids, just raise them right. And Yeah, yeah, actually, okay, he got another one. Telling your kids, if you do this, I'll give you this is is next level bullshit. It teaches manipulation from a young age. I'm looking for one that doesn't tell me whether or not they've been decided on the ASSHOLE, because sometimes they've got a little time. We just try reading the title, because we always dive deep into the description. I think let's make a judgment, call base on the title and then see if that opinion changes. HMM, yeah, okay, the old saying always judge your book. Let's judge your book by the cover. Let's judge it book. Okay, I like that spin, because otherwise they wouldn't have such pretty covers. So am I the asshole because I didn't want to take a video chat with an old friend's grandma on her death no, you're not there. We go. That one's easy. Speak to my own grandparents. Yeah, it's not like they're yours. I suppose the only difference would be, though, is that did that grandma raise the friend in our is you very familiar with the grandma you know? And did the grand parent give the friend an exorbitant amount of money? Did they rescue them from a life or death situation. HMM, I've heard that grandparent was actually famed Shark Wrestler, Nana, Shark fighter, and Save Them from the jaws of a great white. And yes, you are an asshole. SPEAK TO GAM gams. So your final goodbyes. Okay, ash go on. What if she was just calling to see how to turn the the router off? You know that you don't want to leave a big wages is kids. She's like, Hey, sure can't. I'm really so sorry. I was. I'm really tried. I couldn't stop myself. The what off turn, the what off router. That the what I'm kind of I'm a woodwork sorry, we say router. You got its roots. Really is what I'm thinking of, but a router is a would working. I'm interchangeable, and I don't know why, because you're a nice person and you didn't want to call me out on this bouncing something on my thank definitely thinking row to though, but okay, I'm sorry. Why do I say both? Guys, help me. Why do I say both? Am I the asshole? I think so. Am I the Ass am I yes, whole. Okay, I'm going to get another one before we fall into this pain no where. There any further details? I've scrolled so far. How you don't? Well, I'm going bad, I've got it. So I used to have this really good friend and I was over here often throughout the one summer and we went through a lot together, but over the years we drifted apart. He ended up in prison for settle. Sorry, I didn't like that, and a prison for several years, and when he did get out he began messaging me very inappropriate and uncomfortable sexual messages that I shut down and eventually just started to explain. Is the grandmother or is this the this is she didn't want to take a video chat with her old friends grandma on a day. It's the old friend that was sending Wang shots and got our prison and was inappropriate despite being shut down. So one day out of the blue, he messages saying grandma only has a few days let sorry, I'm not laughing, grandma only has a few days left and wants to video chat with you. That is the best excuse to get a girl on camera my grandma. Listen, I know I've been inappropriate and I've sent you like Dick Picks and I've been not cool, but my grandma's dying and now if you don't, you're probably an asshole. Yeah, but yeah, moving away from that, one day, out of the blue he messages saying grandma O, yes, a few days left, and what's the chat with you? I got the feeling he was using this just to get me on a video show. So, because it was three in the morning, I think, I was doing in the morning and he opened with you up question I made. I made all that. Now he did. He's so he video called saying, Oh, my grandma's dying, and Shit, I had no idea what to say to this woman that I really don't know. I felt awful but had to tell him that I wasn't comfortable doing it and haven't heard back from him since. I feel like a complete asshole. I just didn't know how to handle this situation. What are you guys think? There's a lot to open up here. Objectively, I still not the ASSHOLE, though. I stand by it, just my reasonings changed lightly. There were fewer sharks in the additional details, which I'm shocked by, because that was the most like that was. I was betting all my fucking house on that. I was lost, lost, Morgan. I was shocked as well. I was just as shocked as you and fuck real, that was we both just old fuck up. Thank you, guys. This...

...podcast is weekly and you can find me here. You can find my instagrat. Now I'm joking and fuck you know. Sorry, I actually did hurt my head doing that one. That was so basically my grandma's dying. You WORP question Mark Three. Am Imagine if she answers, though, and it's not his grandma, but he's in fact put a wig on his head. Oh, I thought you were gonna say Penis. I'll be on. Ye, I preferred it actually, if you said Penis, John, another run of this penis. No, no, I put I said head because head is into change. If I'd have said if I'd have said tip, it would have been perfect, but I didn't want to. I didn't want to infer too much. Grandma dicade, fair play, but right, I'm going for a little like just to just to clarify. Definitely, she's not the asshole. He put her in an extremely uncomfortable situation primarily for his own personal gain. He is definitely are the asshole. They're like, no doubt about it. Strong agree. Don't fucking be an appropriate and don't fuck can be like, Hey, want to talk, but only because my grandma's die. Don't send pictures of Your Grandmother's Dick and that that. Yeah, that's the mop, that's the moral and that's the mushroom of this story. I think Tom just took sidekick damage from that. I literally did. Yeah, fucking super effective. Tom Is stunned. Tom Hurt himself. In the confusion. Tom's follows get the side of it falling up his table. Fuck me, we both went down the falling over route. That's sweet. Am I the asshole for not give for for not forgiving my bully cut my body, cousin? Sorry, this is terribly fucking spaced. Am I the asshole for not forgiving my bully cousin, even though it's been years since he hurt me? Family members don't equal immediate forgiveness. Fuck the cousin. No, not an asshole. Yeah, no, not the asshole. Family Suck in general. You don't have to forgive anybody for anything like yeah, and all you know the family sucking in general. I don't. People always go ah, but you only get one family. It's like, yeah, thank Fu God. Imagine I fired like two sets. So these L can you fucking imagine how bad that does it? There's a very a very famous man taught me once, goes by the name of Dom Tarretto, that you choose your family, your familiar. She fucking there. That's amazing. The worst thing is is how I didn't. That broadsided me, like I didn't fucking have any clue that was coming to dad. The Dad jokes are really just flowing hard today. Right. Yeah, wow, I feel like I've been stabbed. Sorry about that. Actually apologized to everyone, listeners included. Fuck me, I'm not going to read any context out for that because that the context for that one is like eight pages. Yeah, I think it's probably more fun just to just a riff off the titles. Really, they were wrong. If I find a short one and it's like a weird one, that we'll have it all rummage around. He got another, so I've got one more. Okay, the idea of one. I'm certain I will have one eventually. Spiritually. Hey, listen, I listened to last episode this morning and I can tell you that we talked about farming whilst Tom Look for one last week. Yeah, it's true. Yeah, Tom had raised them in a field. All right, so, as Ashley now climbed, climbs the ladder up the orchard tree of Reddit Asshole posts to pluck the most suppled juicy apple from its branch, I want to pick the juiciest now, am I? Am I the ASSHOLE for not buying my pregnant girlfriend food? Will just yes, immediately, obviously. Yeah, yeah, I don't think they as much you can do. I mean it's carrying a miniature, a miniature per hole. You got a small person. She has to feed herself and somebody else to write the two people and less. Hang on, pump the brakes, devil's advocate. Go on, I mean she did already a baby, doing what Alex thinks that life is like the very hungry catapill. Okay, cool, and the baby was this big. None of you're going to get that because you didn't read it in my voice. But so the mummy eats the baby that the heron brings and then nine months later the mummy poos it out. Yeah, you go to the budget food food supermarket, Heron that's and you find the baby. You go you go to the freezers and you find a perfect baby just for you. And you thought it out over a long weekend and then give it. Yeah, it's difficult because you do have to swallow...

...it like a paraceut. To more, you gotta just Yummy that baby down in one you can't got fucking chew it. You've got a dry. You've got a dry swallow it. You're not allowed to, you it, because if if you drink me, if you drink water when you're swallowing it, the baby might try. Yeah, exactly. Baby's can't swim. It's got to find its baby sack right like inside of you, before it gets wet. Yeah, and I don't know if you've ever been in a sleeping bag before, but it's difficult. Fun It zip some one of those bad boys are the best of times, let alone when you're a tiny baby, although they do make stairs really fun. Yes, and I suppose you have to consider as well that the fucking maybe as well as got essentially just like Jack itself in for nine months as well, so it gets that yummy nutrients. To give give me the nutrients, Mommy, it will. Oh, we're going to have one last one and I'm going to supply context for it. It's got to go on nutrient heists. It's got a sneak over to the stomach and it's got to go. This one's a chicken nuggie. I like chicken nuggies. Or No, this vindelu curry is far too spicy for me, mother dear, I will give this one a miss. Cool. Okay, I like the biology lesson. Thanks that. I've just ready to talk to people about pregnancy. I'm going to go stand outside some hospitals and give advice. Welcome to the thirty three percent majority presents planned parenthood. A paternity podcast. It's now. It's one of those ones that you play to the baby. You gotta go ahead around the still, get the big can headphones and put them against the against the mum term. MMM, yeah, your baby. I'll come out with it with half a shitty mustache of terrible sense of humor, and it will be too tall for its own good. Which one is? Who alone a bright red box of insignia for one week? So ash. I assume the mustache one was you. There's then. That only leaves to tall, tall for his only good. Was You, for your own good? Was You? What was the Middle One? Not Funny for you, then, Alex? Yeah, yeah, oh well, that I thought. You know what, Alex, I feel like that that was deserved. Actually, you aren't funny. I don't. I've never left any of your checks. I'll put a remote kill switch on your Lath, and I'm it's got a break on it as well, so you'll be jamming that chis Lin there. It'll suddenly fucking stop and you'll know. Alex Giveth, but also Tommy. Take it away. I gotta out of Tom Can you met it out all my laughs whatever, Alex me. No, anyway, I can edit in my laughs after every joke I make. Get rid of solutely. Just put my own in. Yes, that sounds farther. Don't needed it that for me, because I laugh at every job, and with that I hand over my hosthood to WHO, whichever one of you thinks they are strong enough to pick up the fucking sword from the rock with which I've left. It's neither of us, is it? Or is it both of us? Now I think it's the hang on, wait, no, Tom Tom, wait, put the brakes. We do a middle segment. That scream was the perfect cut into what the fruit should I like it? Kay, the intro songs playing in the background right now. So we're all right, guys. We've got a minute. Take a breath if you want. Okay, Alex, your scream then sounded like the start of slayers, silent scream like that was pretty. That is that your old rock punk band, as sure of what science? Good? That's Slar, an actual old rock punk back now that okay, thrash metal band. What's sad? There's all of this has been cut out. We're in a brotween times now. I be just. I would just say the C word, curd. Oh, that's being kept in. That's just gonna Begin it. I think I'm editing. Every time I say someone's name, every time I say listeners, just replace it with the wood. Yeah, just goof. You've just goofed on yourself. They're anyway. Listeners, welcome to another installment of your least favorite segment, urban what the frictionary? I didn't like that. Take again. No, this is this is fash these birthday Tommy, come on, make it special. You're got to make it special. Come on now, Burn. What the Frick? Shinary? Oh, so good, thank you. Not As stanky as I usually like it, and that one hit me in the chest in it. That's good. Tony. Good to know anyway. First, urban, what the frictionary today is porn that's pore m. This is just what you accidentally search, isn't it? Poetic Pornography? This is the second most search thing on my life. If I isn't it am I missing? So what my missing would porm? Did you say? Yeah, like yeah, Papa Oscar Romeo, Michael. Yeah, before I committed and explained order to make sure I haven't just misheard you. Yeah, so, can you imagine if it was in fact pawn, pawn, and which no guide you did you mind it? Fools, it's the chess one. It's...

...a chess piece. Shows a low class I was. I was like, I'm going to sell my TV. Fuck, yeah, but wait. So I'm confused. I'm confused. Are you guys familiar with it? With yeah, so it's an acronym. It's part of the group. Me and Ashley are in that. I don't think you'd be a part of. It's the proper ordinary regular men. Oh, I see, you wouldn't you wouldn't be. It's sure a bit strange, fit squiffy. I actually stole stole my edge, my entry card, from a guy called Nigel I look a bit like okay, so it's great going to the meetings because everyone's dead normal, but I do get called Nigel, proper ordinary, just regular man. So you find there, okay, doing proper, ordinary, regular stuff. Tone so legit, though. Is it just that you guys watch just a, just porn all the time and you'd like Miss. Yeah, I can't get yeah, I just can't get my hand off my wanger. Really, I just use my nose to type because after use account of it being so teeny tiny. Right, yeah, yeah, I've that one hand holes the micro, the phone. If you're one king now you've got to tell us or it's entrapment. Yeah, I can't say anything, but listeners for just seven nut to night. I'll send you the audio that time at it's out of the heavy booty. Yuck, Yuck, Yuk. Yes, Thomas, I think it's. I think it's Pawn Typo. Okay, let me check. And so the description says welcome. It's the chess one. Welcome. You probably misspelt pawn during your excitement to bust a nut and here you are. You're probably feeling pretty awkward right now. Don't worry, we've all been there. I'll know. That's so good, because Paul was randomly who types in Pawn No, me, Paun. That that urban diction re entry that would come up at the top, wouldn't it? That's pretty should just not just a definition. That's what you see as a prank. I like that. I like that. Ah, WHO UPLOADED THAT DEFINITION? Let me have a look to give you. Does it give you a user name? Oh my God, it was. It was a Ganders Broa. That's brilliant. Thank you. Thank you so much for user name of the Guy who uploaded this. Uh Huh, is simply don't hate the game, hate the player. Thank you. Don't hate the game, hate the player. For Your beautiful definition. That was brilliant. HMM, thanks, Bud. I feel better just knowing that. Anyway. WHO's hosting now? That's it. I'm going to host now. Wait and can I know me. I will do it. For me to host or no, like me instead day host us as both instead to for host are that's that's a that's a good argument, though, isn't it me instead? There? So what you are? You got trying to compromise and will both do it fucking together. Yeah, yeah, let's do that. Is that going to happen? I think so. I don't know if it's allowed. I don't know if it's in the I don't think. Know if there's anything in the rule book against it. Double Chair. Yeah, okay, hi, I'd welcome to the sixty six point six, sixpisode. We've now got more voting rights tom absolutely wonderful. Well, I mean well, we'll do it together. You take it, you, you you begin and I'll chime in when necessary. Okay, okay. So for my segment, I wanted to talk to you about landlords and home ownership. MMM, Oh, no, Oh, I just I just wanted to know if you guys had any just kind of hot take views on on home ownership and landlords that you could kind of just throw into the ring. Most landlord's awful people, but homeowner is pretty cool, right. Homeowners nailing it. Landlord's dependent on because I don't blame you for taking advantage on guys. Hang Up, I don't I'm not just mad. Can we just remember what happened in episode one where we all got cross at each other? Can we put a comedy spin on everything? Can everything have a punch line? Landlord's more like land snores. Yes, very good, wonderful, very good. Thank you. Yeah, it's not a very funny topic, is it's not a good one to do. No, I did. I did prepare a second segment. Okay, can we have that? Well, Tom I almost feel like we're reading from the same list. Maybe you want to suggest the second segment? That? Yeah, I can, I can take away the second one. So I was thinking that, especially after a bit of a bit of research that I did today, which is to say none whatsoever in terms of when it when it comes to dumb laws, that this segment will do about dumb laws. And did you know one of them is that it it's actually illegal to eat mince pies on Christmas Day. Is it really a...

...hang on, yeah, I just don't think it's actually been like like. Actually, it's not going to be enforced, but it is, I believe, still a law. Is this like? If you're Scottish, you know, I don't think it's a dumb law specifically, but I was the witness to a crime and the implement of the crime was a mince pie because somebody left at work. There's like an area of the office that is just for delicious snacks for everyone to pick from and somebody had left just a pack of Greg's pies there and I was like, Oh, Yummy, you treat just for me. I'm going to have whatever. This is. Just an Apple Pie. Maybe a Cherry Pie. are that would be so good for a mid morning snack crunch. It's July. Why is there a fucking mince pie in my mouth in July? Could you imagine how fucking old disgusting I was the recipient of a crime? Someone did a crime to me. Hmm, somebody crime you. That's terrible. Imagine taking a bite from a delicious snack and it being a fucking mince pie. Speaking of offices, though, as anybody got any experiences of like really good customer service that they've either like given or why are you going through all the topics I've done? You little, can you what? Hang on, what do you mean? So I got feel like you're just running through the topics I've done. What would you mean? Would we do that yet? Yes, know you would do that. That is something you would both do. I know you both pretty well. Hang on, why would we do that? Because it's my birthday, I see, is it your birthday? The birthday to you, happy birthday to you. This is gonna be so our be birth day. Dear Ashley, Toms Tom, you've got to join in and you've got to sink it up. Come on, you wet Basha. Happy Birthday to you. Good Birthday, Ashley, good job birthday boy. I want to die. Thank you so much, you well custiners. He's doing this because I fucking hate birthdays. Doing this because he knows. Listeners all be like, oh, they're so sweet to him and they love him, but no, this is the worst. Would you say that one of your like biggest, like irrational fits is like being afraid of birthday days? Then yeah, I would say that's a pretty standard fear and I like how it affects human beings and feel more fear because it's good for you. That's from episode four, and that was the birth of what I've come to know as strong Alex. that is when stronge boy, that's where we first mentioned my more my incredible powers, strength, my ability to do anything, I forgot to mention, but also my dastardly cunning and ability to pull off plots and high jinks. All of that, like dastardly cunting hair, gonna bleep that out and I edit that. Is The sea word not allowed? You've got English listeners. I'm sure they're not offended. Americans don't like the word today, but they don't say Twa. They say two, which I hate. Yak. What percentage of our audiences American? Now, as it dropped off as I think it's like fourteen currently fourteen percent. Yeah, they they're almost enough Americans listening that they could host the podcast yet. Sorry, just took just quickly out it. Sorry just to just to loop round quickly. Why did you put so much stank on the percent and not fourteen? Fourteen percent? It was gonna be a percent because you add you asked me what percentage. I said fourteen percent and you went fourteen percent. Actually didn't know. If it's just like fourteen people, Tom we've got millions of listeners. Fourteen people versus fourteen percent of a million people. There's a massive different. It's that. If the fucking case, you idiot, I'll just shut fuck up. I'll just shut up, tom this is our segument. You wait till it's your time to hope. Oh Shit. Anyway, if we were to build the perfect Predator to actually eat Ashley, what would it need? Me? Would need it was not to be to me. Oh, I could do it. In fact, I'm already on the way. Okay, I would turn my corporeal form into something some I'm calling from a car, vague GLOB of acidic energy, and I would consume Ashley. Okay, cool, and I would metabolize it. I can't wait to be consumed. What I would do is I would eat Ashley, metabolize him and turn him into one of my shits. A big round, Doo key, good, and I do it just onto the floor, Astley. That's what I do with you, and that is how I would be the perfect Predator and ash do key. This is amazing. No, so much. This is the best em that was a throwback, tops a five. I think what I just said was horrible. I just said...

...some really horrible things about Ashley and I don't know, I feel like I need to explain it, but I also don't feel like I should be allowed the opportunity to explain myself. There's going to be repercussions, big REP percussions. Boy, all right, you're getting canceled's canceled culture time. You're getting canceled. All right. I fucking hate that. You both are probably looking at the fucking list right now every episode and I just want to know. Did you guys plan this or is this just Alex being a prick, because this feels, it's got the feeling of like a polly. But in the group Chat, can I do? Am I the assholes? That was Tom Segment and that's what I had this idea. I hate you both so fucking much. As one thing, though, that you're going to, you're going to. I think it will actually probably piss you off, is that my initial plan was to specifically do ask credits. And am I the assholes based around woodworking. So you really shut yourself in the foot. And am I the asshole of putting much as along the later mentoring out? I don't know, maybe are. You are the ASS Tom. I think actually would have absolutely hated that segment. I don't think you would have liked it one bit. That's a lie, Alex. can you think of any other times that you've talked? I'm being fucking roasted today. See, oh, actually in in so that's from episode seven, where you said you wanted to know about lies that we told, and I couldn't think of any because I don't live very often. And you said during that episode, as the your Intro as some big news. Ladies and gentlemen, Ashley, you said to me, Alex, you must have lied about having kids. You've worked in call centers before. You've definitely lied about having kids to curry favor with with people you speaking to. And at the time I was lying to both of you because, yes, I have lied about kids to both of you. Yes, you know about it now, but the listeners don't. I'm having a baby. Well, Beth is making me one currently. Probably could have mentioned that when we were talking a minute ago about pregnant people. She's yeah, she's baking one those that build a bear workshop rights on her way to herony. She's got the yellow bag that's a bit too thin. It might it might, the handle work go, but she's all right, crush, she's double backed, so we will make it home. I shouldn't really have explained the deep blare of the pregnancy world to you, and it's one of those like first time experiences that's really exciting. Supposed to be a secret? Is it like magician's circle where you have to have the card to like talk about it? MMM, it's a secret club, much like the proper ordinary regular men crew. Yeah, the best thing about that was how quick you we're on thinking up. I would not that I was thinking and I was like, I thought you were setting me up to say it. Speaking of clubs, though, isn't read it, a bit of a Weird Club though he is. Didn't Ashley bring us the first ever reddit segment? He actually stole. You've both stolen it from me. Ask creddit and I might be assholeved was my fucking idea. Both of you have done it multiple times and I never have. Yeah, but that's because, well, that's because you've got great segment ideas like this one. You prayer that that one was episode eight. We're looping back to episode seven now. Is Ashley just lied again, and you know what that feeling of jumping back I've got such a it's like a feeling where you remember something old when you're looking back sort of in time. It makes me just so, what's the word? Begins with an end. So episode nine, Nurstalje now nostalgic. Yes, thank you, episode nine. I don't remember what my other segments were and I'm waiting for something really terrible. But the starts a pretty good stardi is a pretty good one, I think. In the nostalgia episode, actually, we realize that we're from totally different generations and it was the first time we ever ripped you for being old. So welcome to being even older than then that you were at the time when we said it originally. Happy Forty Birthday, Ashley, happy forty birthday, Ashley, I'm not even thirty yet. You're fucking so close, though. Fuck you are, you could sneeze and you'd be thirty. Fuck you. Hell he relenty seven. Oh my God, you put like in spirit. I'm younger than you both because Alex is about to have a baby and time as a hone on it own in it. WHO owner? Am I right? No, you know, you're not right. Very nice. Okay, you know. Let me just I'm just going to roll them insight check on that's an eighteen. Oh Fuck, good job. I guess episode ten under the dragons actually didn't really have a segment there, but that was what we differ episode ten, although, to be fair, though, I did think that on episode ten it was wonderful that Alex, you put this amazing work into trying to come up with this like really fun, interesting, different character, and Ashley just played himself with crap clause. Oh No,...

...under the crack in the door of the PODCAST for studio. WHO's that? That's just walked in. Hello, Ashley, it's me. Nimbus. Day is the best. Make sure Alex Teachers Tom how to put the right amount of reeverm on my voice's goodbye. God that. That guy's so cool. Yeah, I hope that you do teach. I had intercourse with him. Okay, he's a cloud. I went. That spread to a dark place. I got some cool shit plan for Nimbers, when we actually play that dumb nerd game again, by the way, some real cool shit, Ashley. Is it going to get ghostbusted? Maybe? Yeah, and I was thinking final foe a dyckson deluded dude, that's the one. Ashen for you. I was thinking that I would just put you in a meat blender or something and make you reroll a real character anyway, and that will be my good prank on you that episode. Hey, we're on two, episode eleven. It's on. That'd be an amazing prank to play on us. We Love Pranks. That would be one of my all time favorite pranks. We got any other pranks? We could talk about our ash you love pranks, don't you? You loved it so much you did a whole segment on episode eleven. I'll pranks. So a link every second. I suppose it's probably just because Ashley's Ashley segments come to him the day of about five minutes before recording from an idol thought one. You'RS fucking don't know. Yeah, Tom, you've never done a last minute segment, astually. Know, as she cut, she come over here with me, come over here with me, come into the back room of the podcast office, Recording Studio, and I'm here. It's just me and you now. I just like it was an episode twelve when Tom's house flooded. Can you guys, smell the feint with of the human excrement back off? Is Just my the only one that's finding this funny? I think you are, because Tom's not in here now, just like he was. He wasn't here in episode twelve, but it was just me and you again, because it wasn't water knoll. So please edit that so there's a the sound of bubbles coming out first. What are you from? Actually, I will. We could go back in history and change one just one piece of history from the past and just on flood Thomas's house. I wish we could do that. It would be so loved a change one tiny detail in the hit in the past just to make it funnier. Maybe we'd F I could go back in funny, we could probably die. If I, if I, just if I could go back common time, I would go back in time and try and make any of my segments even half as funny as Ashley's, because then they would be so amazingly more funny than they would have been in the past. I don't need segments, motherfucker. I am the comedy, but show segments. Oh No, a bit self serving, though, quite angry. He needs to unwind, I think. Yeah, you do. You need to go camping, Ashley, like you did last episodes. Camping and just one wine somewhere. I hate you. Yeah, yeah, I really do. A hundred percent. Right now, this second, this very instant, I must go my people in. That's every segment. Ashley's done. Thanks for joining. Thanks very much, guys. That was the fucking worse. Can I just say, though, it's actually quite impressive, because it felt like it was probably only about MMM two weeks ago that we started doing this done podcast and we literally have a backlog of fourteen episodes to pull from. Leave that, boy, cycles was nine episodes ago. I still see that in my sleep, you know, at night I close my eyes and I can just hear an engine and see flesh cold panels. I just can't believe that in like fourteen short episodes we've gone from like nobody's to like international superstar millionaires. I just can't believe that just with one podcast we were able to do that and t see, the thing is as well, I'm so close to getting to having my first Trillo Buck as well. Really, yeah, it's yeah, like rule plays, I'm quite a ways off because I keep buying speed boats and yeah, like designer drugs. I'm just like a lad making a drug just for me, like just a new one. So is it underneath a laundrette? Yes, for everybody who's unaware, that's so. That's a breaking bad pun that's a breaking bad joke. That is one bit of media. Alex did watch. Well done, buddy. I haven't watched that and I'm missing out. Yeah, it is. It is quite good. But you know, I I...

...understand that people are different taste of media and if you've looked at some bits of it on the Internet and just decided it's not for you, then you're probably right. No, missing out on cultural milestones is boring. Hey, alex, that was really sweet of you, but also fuck you. Don't. Don't come here with that week's sauce to be son. I'll watch it right now. Absolutely Gone Tim Editing. The fucking sound of me telling a TV outs breaking back. Wow, wow, wow, brown season of dexter coming out. There is I haven't seen that either. That Dexter's also very good. Buddy, you should watch that. Dexter is quite a good hmm. It does get a bit same me, much like like the walking dead. Like it. It gets a little bit repetitive in sort of like the middle seasons. But spoiler alert, I don't like the bit where he fucks his sister. Weird. It was a weird choice, very game of thrones esk. Yeah, he was actually married to her, though, like the at the hangar, the actual people behind the fictional characters, they were actually married and that's interesting. The actors. Sorry, I know we're going to spoil that, but I have to fucking know who fucked whose sister in that what Dexter Fuck this sister on purpose? Or Yeah, yeah, with his penis and everything purpose like it was purposeful. Both the same parents. Yeah, yeah, so that was all of season seven. So she had a baby and they called it little dexter and because it was a baby, they gave it like really small knives. It was it was really weird, surprisingly, though. What was what was funny, though, was that instead of the kid having you know being like sort of seriously deformed or having sort of you know medical problems on account of the incest, and he actually got serial killing superpowers. And then Dexter ty had to Dexter Dexter Jr, which was wild. But it was a good finale because all of season eight was like the build up to that and then seson nine was resolving everything that was set up in the prior seasons. It was really good how everything tied it m and cinematic it. I think it came on leaps and bounds in the final few yeah, and I and a toddler having like super stabbing speed was like just cool to see. It's cool how they edited that as well. I thought it was weird when you first this is obviously toddler doing a thirty foot vertical leap. It's like, Whoa, that's not very realistic. But the actual like the fall damage afterwards, really did sell it because, like it was cool watching him like leap up into the air to chase after the notts then shatter is ankled afterwards. The realism it, yeah, second to none. I feel like I'm being fucked with. I'm not going to watch dextro the way, just that spine, for you'll miss your miss the amazing powered super serial killer kid. Feel like they're really jumping the shark pretty early on in this, like a dude fuck his own sister had a little superpowered baby which is now doing thirty foot vertical leaps and breaking Jank to kill other serial killers. Just so you guys, heard what you said. To hear it, actually, it was pretty bad to listen too much. Yeah, Y Shoulboh should feel very, very badly about the TV show they done made. Oh No, I blacked out for a second there. What happened? Oh dear right, okay. Well, anyway, guys, this has been a podcast, doesn't it? I think it had feel like it's really really short. That I feel like it's just been dunking on me. Do we bookend it with just another what the frictionary? Where is that? It's probably going to be weird energy. Yeah, I think no, I think we bookend it, but book end and then we'll do a goodbye that is suitable by making jokes about somebody else. Yeah, and the frictionators. Yeah, she's I kept her running the whole time, so I got one ready to spit out. It's going to be one to yeah, she's gonna be so low on fuel Tommy. Oh God, I'm sorry, I've just had the best idea. Let's replace the fart noise in the intro song to and what the frictionary to Ashley just saying the sea bomb. I think that would be so much better. Right, good. Welcome back to the segment with in between, but actually this time at the end of the segments, with to lead urban, what the Frick Shinnery, which is how I'm sort of really feeling about doing it right now, and the the urban friction. The frictionator has spat one out for me, and this one is clam jamming. Clam jamming. That's not fucking is it? If a girl said to me hey want to come back to mining clam I mean I'd say yes, but also I'd probably be a bit like freaked out. Well, Ashley, I'm in a loving, committed relationship. So if a random girl said to me, would you like to come back and clam jam, I would say no, actually, it's this way. I don't need relationship context. I was talking about clams. I'd need to find out, and I think Beth would understand that. Okay, for science, if somebody invites me for a clam jam, I must dub. She'd have to understand I must clam jam in the name...

...of Science. Let us go back to the lab so we can jam some clams. So when it comes to herb and what the frictionaries, I've got to break them down. I've got to dissect the phrase to kind of help understand. Ie, you don't know where this is going. We're on the understanding that the clam is the Paginas, right, yes, sir, it's. Yes, female genitalia related, yes, and and jamming, jamming. Yeah, I could be like playing a song. Oh, is it a song with quief's quief Song, a Cappella of quiefs. You said the word, didn't you. You really just said that? Yeah, you just said it again. Both of you just really said that word just out louds like you know. I know when Queif, Oh, it's just, it's just, it's just gonna says. It all made of letters and it sounds like this quief. Yeah, but you just actually said it, though, like on a contast. Give it time, give it a little for yourself. You earned it. Gone, Tommy. Give her a wobble. See, I feel I'm can I get quef? Fleas are beautiful, Cleis, oh, it's there. Thanks for Queefing for us, Tom Tom, we love your quief. That was the best Quif I've heard this week. Hey, Alex has quief had a bit more body to it, but Tom's quief was like, it was meaningful, it was innocent. It was an innocent know, not like Alex's creep scenes and things. Tommy's was it in is a quief. Mine was a very, very guilty queer slut be queen, and Ashley's QUEF was recently acquitted. Sound that Romand took queves on tag. It's got an Asbo. We are toddlers laughing. The word Queen. Tell me, is the answer to this the friction rea qui FA Capella Group. Do you want? Do you actually want to like final answer? A crazy the matter, a big word for bunk, but I also do think it might be quick, quick, you know, just a big, big word for bunk. You guys don't use the word bunk. Feedback on my own fucking Mite from laughing. I got my last to find it so we can end the episode. Queen Fuck me right, I think so. Clam chamming according to what the frictionary is. When it's when one lesbian is when one lesbian interferes between a lesbian trying to pursue another lesbian. It's the female equivalent to cock blocking. That's better than we would never have come up with that. Sundra. She fucking, she fucking clam jammed me. She did the type of that add definitionally. Can you add suggestions? Yeah, does it give you uption? Oh yeah, no, guys, you can just totally submit your own listeners as if you don't do it, then don't know. Don't know it, not at all. Don't do it. Listeners. If one of you changes that and your name is on it, we will read it and will will praise you for two minutes straight. We will say your name for two minutes straight. Yes, anyway, yeah, much as that would be bad radio, this has been a podcast that is very bad radio, with sorry, horrific it for thanks for coming. Thank you very much, everybody. Happy Birthday, Ashley. Thank you so much. Happy Birthday, buddy by listeners, you've been wonderful. Thank you for being so quiet and observant during this. Well done. We will see you all next week. By by, by, guys, every fucking Dad, m.

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