The 33% Majority
The 33% Majority

Episode 21 · 7 months ago

Ep. 21 - Crod, Creddit and Crapsodies

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

You join us on a special day. Our podcast (The 33% Majority) can finally buy booze in the US!

In this week’s episode, your 2 jovial jack-asses (Alex and Ash) - along with 1 angry boy (Tom) - will each spend their 15 minutes of fame discussing how we might design our own ‘33% Religion’ (spoiler alert: crocodiles?), some lazy 'Am I the Asshole' entries, and another game of Bohemian Crapsody, respectively.

Also, just to clarify, to enter our giveaway and be in with a chance to win a one-of-a-kind ‘The 33% Majority’ T-Shirt or Hat, just do the following:

-Leave us a review on Apple Podcasts and take a screenshot (but make sure you put your Instagram or Twitter handle in the review).

-Follow us on either Twitter (@the33pm) or Instagram (@the33percentmajority).

-Send us a screenshot on whichever social media platform suits you best.

We’ll be picking the winners 2 weeks from today, on the 5th of October! 

As you've made me laugh. You've made me laugh so hard this episode that, honestly, my kidney means hurt. So No, guys, stop, you'll make me laugh so much I'll ship my pack. Hey, and welcome to the thirty three percent majority, a talk show where you'll find three friends fighting for their fifteen minutes of fame. And I'm your host, the last living descendant of sidy sloth, Tom Hutchinson. Thank you're fine. I'm your host, the most scared man in the UK right now, Ashley Hall, No, I think you're fine. I'm your host, too powerful for this mortal body. Alex Springkthore Hey, guys, hey, why, how are we all? You know what? Yeah, I'm good. Why are you the yeah, why are you the most scared man in the UK? So at the start of the podcast we use a timing thing. We Use Cook you dot team right, I'm not going to Tarry the next bit because then you'll join and then you'll fuck around with our timer every time because you people are chaotic. HMM. But essentially I got a phone call as the podcast was a starting and I was like, I'm still sorting my micout. I'll answer it, and a strange. Man Goes, is this Ashley and I went yeah, yeah, you've got him. Went listen very closely and for a second I thought my phone was going to explode. He then went listen very closely and said Cookoo dot team and then said the thing that is our link. I obviously it's very easy to guess, by the way, and if any of you do it, I'll be so happy. But can you imagine? But no, essentially he said cookie, dot team, beep and then hung up. So it's actually it's my responsibility to kind of distribute the link. Just kind of put it in the group Chats Overbo's got it and it's clickable and I found very quickly that it's really boring copying and pasting. So I'd like type out the full throat full thing, like type out the word dot as part of the URL, and it just gets boring. And I tried postcards and this time I wanted to hire a third party con man, a third party hit man, to distribute the link for me. It was horrific and I hated it. But the best bit was I went I don't know who that was, guys, was that either of you? And no one said anything. And I said he sounded Parsh. It was Tom's brother, wasn't it? And immediately knew who it was because I know, I know fucking rich and white when I fucking hear it. Josh, you hear that, buddy, you're rich and white. Apparently you sound like a cheesecake motherfucker. I was here now that was either Bill Gates or Josh Hutchinson, kind of in one quite thing of that one out all I know. He's rich and white. Those are the things of those are the things I got and I was like, who could we have roped in with a star power? And then, as I I fuck, it's tops brother, isn't it? Well, Josh, good job on you on your mobile phone heist, but we're all very proud of you and it worked a treat. And anywhere. How as you weekspin boys stressful. But yeah, yeah, all right, mate, yeah, what stressful? Everything's just fucking chill, Ashley with the King of PODCASTS. We're just out here and full time employment is not it's not as joyful as I would like to think it is. Is that the end of it, or I just want time to lay on the SOFA and eat chips? I might break my own leg just for a couple name jacking. I'm not going to do that because I'm gonna go straight to sick for Aud so the iphone thirteens just come out. Yeah, that's that's anecdotal. It is. And here's the thing that I learned that you can do, because Beth wants it. She wants to have it for her to use and put it in a pocket for telephone calls and things of that nature. You don't want the things you might use a mobile device for undercent. I've had a few. So you can, you can buy it. You can have it in like two weeks time. Pretty exciting. As of tomorrow, you can pre order it. Yep, as of today, though,...

...you can pre pre order it. So she's putting in order to put in an order for an order. Wow, okay, that's wonderful and I just don't think that steven jobs would have stood for this too much pre pre preying is where I draw the line. Yeah, one pretty fine. Okay, let's not get dirty, let's not get down, of course not. But yeah, no, don't, don't prey. Praise what we're saying here, guys, if you can help it's thought that was foolish. Yeah, but you I like dots. Anybody done anything? I watched the apple event. Did you actually want it was good. Yeah, I watch I watch it yearly. I'm deep in apple leak cultures, D til weird community. Yeah, I honestly absolutely. I mean, if you seen his bowed legs, super easy to you're going to have to cut this from the show, but I think Tim Cook looks like a caricature of a defensive joke. That can't stay. Okay, there was yeah, that there was an offensive joke there. You guys will have just heard a bleep. Anyway. Yeah, I watched the whole thing and I was just severely disappointed by the entire event. They brought out a new IPAD and which is just the same IPAD as they bring out every year. Then they also brought out a really little ipad, a little little baby one that look really cute. That's more expensive than the shittiest one. So it's smaller, it's more and more expensive, which pretty sure it's because they've got a jam pack, all of the IPAD components all up in the apple juice. I'd know all about this. I mean I I work in electronics and you got it. You got to squeeze all that apple juice in there. It's like yeah, triple concentrate in the IPAD mini. So he a bit of a premium for you can fit on average, three apples into an ipad mini. I've heard. Not The pole, not the seeds, just the flesh. You know it, guys. We've been going. We've been going now for like I don't know a few minutes now, and we haven't actually achieved our main, sort of core competency, which is comedy. So should we should really brave you that anything that we do could be called comedy. I'll do that for you tom and I'll do it by starting my segment. Good, good intro, mate. I've had a bit of a mayor this week, chaps, with the sagment. I had an I had an idea for one, and then I started doing it. I got home from work like two hours ago and I was like loads of time to preps of it for those thirty three boys, and I sat down, I started doing it and it was take a little bit longer and I was getting a bit frustrated with it, and then I got distracted because I've actually been listening to the Harry Potter Audio Books All Week I've been really enjoying them. Stephen Fry reading through and I was like, Hey, do you remember that time that I've spliced something together? I'm made Tommy say some horrific nonsense. Oh No, M I've got seven books worth of Stephen Fry saying stuff and luckily check a rounding. Basically wrote a script for all of the words that Stephen Fry has ever said. Yeah, so then I I spent like an hour just piecing together some nonsense that Stephen Fry said. I didn't finish anything. It was just about like Ginny doing a come at Harry. It was great Christ till next week. I'll have some of it. I'll have some of it for you. Basically, what I did with my segment preparation time is start many things and completed none of them. Congratulations. This thing right, that's called ADHD that's insever I've never met her, and so I thought, instead of doing any of those true a key segments, we just do a nice easy one, and I've decided that religion is broken and that we should reinvent it. This is great. This is a brave new frontier. This is a this is a very sort of we're going to be walking a very fine line, but it's a good, good job that I'm good at slack walking. You'll be walking a fine line, I will be cartwheeling through it. Jump into the imagination machine with me. Where we go? And now we're in an alternate timeline and religion just hasn't happened yet. The people, they're crying out for a religion, something to follow, something to enjoy and empower their lives, and here we are and we've just got...

...invent it. Well, we got to pick, like a good creation story is start off with like, if we're going to be God, are we God? Are we making God? Because I like that's my real question to you. Where God's we're God's God. Where God's Got Dad's Dad, great, great God, if you will great Gods, we're Grand Dad Grand God. And so I think the ATM goal is to have something that you can love. I think you would make it something it should you something you can love. And you know what I love? I like crocodiles and there cool. So he's got a lot like crocodile. I think personally, crocodiles are the most frightening thing that exist. Can't get behind in od I. No, comedy is fear and respect. I know that comedy is guess and but actually this is no. But write. No, crocodiles got it lesson. Look, I cannot get beyond crocodiles. They're frightened it. You can't trust the crocodile. Ironically, the only time you're safe from a crocodiles when you can get behind it, very far away, from so far behind it it won't know. UPSTAIRS, if you're a very proficient swimmer, you're going to be fine getting away from the Croco if you've got a ladder, you'll be all right anyway. God, and well, this is the thing. WHO said creation. Sorry, somebody said we got to come up the creation story right Ash. I said creation because most religions it's like an expexplanation for how things happen in it. I mean in I don't know much about like all the religions, but I know certainly in like monotheistic Christianity, Catholicism, I know that like God really didn't have very much of a personality in sort of like the the story that is the Bible. He just did some stuff over seven days so we could like. Just take the the crocodile that created the universe. Maybe he went to a kids party, he tripped over he swallowed a bunch of marbles. He went home from the party, chucked up the marbles and the marbles are the universe and one of them is the earth that we inh actual about that. Thank you, s space cry. I like that. But one thing I would love to add to that, just at appendage, is the thing about Croco God is if, for example, you don't know, no, I crod Oh, sorry, yeah, crowd. Yeah, if you don't. If you, for example, how are frightened of crocodiles, ads, you should be, because of the what they are. That actually he cried this. Crowd is everything. Crowd is anything. So if Astley thinks of crowd and and crowd is a Croco God, that's fine. But for me, who doesn't like CROCO CROCO gods one bit, not at all. Don't like it. No CROCO God. For me, he could be a puppy dog or a ket kitten, or he could be whatever you want or she now is still got a big crow. It still gotta Big Crow. The whish got to be crowd. So okay. So it's all such a CROC for me. So it is. Still I find alligators a lot less scary than than crocodiles. So now he's got a lot of my name in it. I'd find that more reassuring. He's a crawlog. He's crawls. The thing as well is you know you're going to see him later and not in a while, which is not pleasant. I've peet you could you can log off. Noil make will then Alley God, Alec. Yeah, Cratt, Kraler God. Now he's a mixle God, perfect, a crocodile, alligator, Alex God. Okay, for a moment we had Allah in it, which wasn't reinventing religion, but then you said my name in it and I think I'd quite enjoy being God. I'd be down with that rally that. Know there are worse, but they're always religious figures. Then my friend Alex like very funny post some really good memes upon the up on the old the old Tinternet makes some classic comedy quite often. Okay, do we stipulate that, you know, if you reach some kind of like really high level of enlightenment, that you get powers? Yes, in...

...the religion of Alex. when you get really good at it, but you get really peaceful, you're one with Alex. suddenly able to lift a great amount of things, but only for ten seconds. MMM, huge amounts of raw strength, small bursts that. Those are one of the the treats, one of some of the boons I gift from a fun a great deal of strength, but for not long. It much in my image, because I can lift a lot briefly. I have no stamina. Okay, can fill any container of water with noodles, but only if it's an inconvenience. MMM, you've got a fish tank. I am a bit too awkwardly, you're very peaceful. All of a sudden it's noodles, you Fisher, dead noodles tank. See what you've done, Ashley is? You've just rolled up to of the core components of my religion here, because that was benevolence, because, of course, you know, I've Fed Fed my child. I Fed you noodles. But also I'm the God of mischief, so high jinks. Absolutely, I've flucked your fish tank with a noodly treat. Toma, I ever sent you the video and baping on the fish tank full of noodles, realize a sweet truck shot vape compilation of the prank we did. We spoke about the prank on the podcast. I'm definitely going to put that on twitter. I found it the other day. Okay, I look forward to I look forward to see. It's just out every babe. I remember the rankings. It's pretty year, pretty standard really. All religions have got rules, though. I do know that about religions. Yeah, you got out rules. That's what makes everyone do the good behavior. No murder unless it's justified. No murder and the unless you really fancy it, unless you really have to. Yeah, no, unless you really want to. I really do want it. You can't really want it. Listen, you can kill, but you have to do it yourself. You can't sublet that. You have to want it. Oh God, my stomach actually hurts already. So you can kill if you really want it. and M Sundays. Are we doing a day off on Sundays, or are we working to Saturday and Sunday? No one ever works Saturday and Sundays. Ever, that is a personal rule that I live by. Nobody goes to work on a Saturday or a Sunday. The Nation grinds to a halt. Production ceases, no petrol for anyone. Stay where. Your economy collapses on a Saturday and Sunday. Then on Monday you rebuild it. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, you get to enjoy it. Friday, you start winding the economy down. Saturday, Sunday it's dead again. Rin To repeat, you come with the pub to night. May. I can't. I've got a wine. The economy down, I'm just gotta destroy all the Stonkis and all the shares. Just got to get rid of them all. Just chuck it, Unplug the Internet for a couple days and then I'll be back on Monday. Plug it back in. You're a day of you know, kicking. Get that. The cat means start for about casual about over the weekend. Want to come out over the week can't make everything shut. We can go for all. No, no, no, you don't understand it. Shut all the total be's off the flowers or all clothes. Mate, Leave Your House. Crowd Alex's Nemesis, God will come out and here. That's the equivalent of the hell. Yeah, yeah, if you go out on a weekend, if you listen, listeners, if you leave the house on a weekend and you are the person who I'm trying to think of a good name for our religion. Like followers. What are they called? Alexists, but that makes them sound like they're plainly Alex and the Alex is an instrument. No, those sounds like people that are opposed to me quite oh no, quite forcefully. The religion itself has to be called alism. Right. I like Allison. Were you like to be called Ol so you could be gold an allied. What do look to be? An Allied? I like that because that's an owl. You could just be one of my allies. Oh yeah, but then they'll be all there, they'll be all the people that object to it who write down Ol...

...lies and then they put it like a high and it's on all the edge of it. Yeah, if you go for Chan, it's just it's pictures of a frog but with Alex's face screaming, and it's just Al lies and it's like I left the house on Saturday and didn't I and then it says Hashtag anti alight and the allies. Yeah, perfect, that's it. So exactly. We've done the perfect thing really. We've made the religion and then we've made the opposite of it, and then we've like talked about what happens if you do the bad things we've made. Religion made the opposite of it, and then other't war about it. The whole saga, I think. But you see, now we've got to look at the Crusades, though. Oh God, how is actually the yeah, exactly. We just went around killing all the alligators, but some people went around killing all the crocodiles because it was like, listen, there's only one crowd. But then some people were like, but what if it's a crulligator? Was It kindig? Some people will like, I don't know, they all look the same anyway. Yeah, they are the same. Some people only went after like freshwater Caymans, because they're neither. They're neither here nor there. They like peck a side. Don't sit on the fence like the weather. I'm upset, Tom I'm upset about how much as those about crocodile. That reptile is so much. It all fairness, though, I do agree with you that Cayman is just a big lizard. It really shouldn't be okay, sociate with crocodile. S Yeah, that's that. One's a porsche. So that's a porch. Get. Very good, Alex, well done. Yeah, he's a Porsche. Okay, I still think the see you later, seen a while thing was the best joke I've ever made and I don't think I'll ever get past it. It was it was sort of significantly less cool when you actually rebrought up your own Joyson. I will admit. People have been listened to this podcast and more than two episodes know that I repeat my just that is another rule of the religion is you can only say a joke once. There will be no callbacks. Ever, you can't reference anything. Stand up Comedians have got it the worst because they've got to do a new set every single night that they're on. If you, if you, if you go up on your bomb, it's kind of expected because it's like where you know you could ever do it once, the standards for comedy would come way down. What would it go? Way Up, though, because they well, I think, I think increase, like yeah, but I think repeating good. Everything is fresh material. Then all of it's going to be shit. So when one diamond comes through, okay, right, you really enjoy it, you really savor you can't share the moment with anybody you can't say, Hey, mama, I went and watched so and sown the theater yesterday did a comedy act and they did this jokes. Can't tell her about it because because then you get eaten by cross. Unlike energy or matter, comedy can be killed and it can be destroyed with this podcast is proof that you can kill and destroy comedy in a mire, twenty one hours. You can do this. You can invent religion and just destroy it with that, in less of fifteen minutes. Dude, imagine if we actually decided to solve any real problems. You know that world hunger, just really just go at something that you know it's huge, as she's doing, as she's going to be done, like a conspiracy theorist. There's hits out on Ashley Now for speaking the big truths, yeah, about how solvable world hunger is. I'M gonna get the government. are going to snatch me up because I've got all the answers. That's not true, plete government, if you're listening, big big girl government. Yeah, excuse me, porus is a lizard person. He is an ally, but Boris. Yeah, they, the Lizard people, are actually worshiped as demigods. It's Boris me, stay glory, praise be. Alex, I've got to admit you might have done goofed on yourself by trying to make a make jinny say the word come. But mm, you did a good segment, buddy. It came thanks. All came together. Well done,...

...did go. Thanks, met. Yeah, okay, so anyway, and no, keep saying Nice thing. No, keep saying Nice things about me another. Yeah, no, I was actually just going to say if any, if any of the listeners wanted to put together some kind of like commandments for Alice and alleys, M and episodes in Alexi's occult cult leader. Now Twenty one. Actually, this is the twenty one stepisode. Cult leader gold. I want to be I want to make sure that that's known and actually I will be respected. Okay, I'm on best behavior. It's time for everybody's favorite segment between the segments. What the Freak, Shannery? I like that. That was like you're underwater for a told me all along. I love the inflection. But where's the stank? Gone? Is Everything? Okay, no, this is a seat, this is a secret. And what the frictionary? Oh God, it's not really. I just wanted to try different. I just wanted to try different take on it. Sorry, did you really not like that one? No, it's not that I didn't like it, just you know, when you used to stand, can you expect the stank and the stand all of a sudden doesn't there? You know, it's the absence of stay burn, the freak snary. That was stinky. I like that. And there she is. Boost HMM, Honky doos. Okay, so I just want to let you guys know that I have one today, but I also have some honorable mentions that I already know the definitions to. I just wanted to tell you about them. Would you like the real one first, or the honorable mentions first? I record mentions first. You're got to warm up to it, haven't you? Honorable Mentions? Okay, so the first one I've got here is Jonas brothers, and the definition perfect. The definition for the Jonas brothers, given that the three of them are in fact related and brothers. It says a band consisting of three brothers who go on Homo erotic technicolor adventures together, and I just I just thought that there was a wonderful sent dings. I know I like that. I like that classic Jonas Brothers Maneuver. This podcast is a Jonas brothers. It's just three guys. It is that it's going in and hold hands. Me and time got married last right. We may just have kind of done such a nice evening it was, wasn't it okay? Anyway, the next one that I had, and only because this is the sorry, the next honorable mention. I've only got this because it makes absolutely no sense. So the word is Nanabe and that's spelt N N A B e n Nabe, and the death the definition is when your name is Annabelle and you remove the first and last letter of your name for a ticktock to see how cool your new name is. And I just I didn't get it. I thought was super random, but it's got loads of up votes, one hundred sixty two to be precise. I imagine that's a trend where you do that. What was it? The first and last letter? Yeah, Leah, yeah, the first and last letters of your mother's maiden name. Oh, in the Middle Five. Well, Tom if you got rid of the first and last letter of your name, you just be off. Oh Hey, everybody, and welcome to the thirty three percent majority talk show where your finds three friends each fighting for their fifteen minutes of fame, and I'm your main host. No, I think you're fine. I'm your host. Let I think you'll find I'm your host. I don't know what mine was. I just went there, so you were at you were totally right. yeahnailed it. She's got allergies. Yeah, sorry, I guess maybe the season bb. Okay, so the real dishonorably mentioned something for me, Thomas. I'm sick of these honorable mentions. Okay, anyway, they were nasty. One just freaking gross. One do what was gonna make me throw up on the floor. Alex, you shut up a second, please. Yeah, I'll absolutely not,...

Thomas. I'm so full of a vomit and I need to get it out, and the tool I used to do that is open what the frictionaries, and you're depriving me. Okay, so, for any new listeners that are joining us today, urban what the frictionary is a segment between segments where we take random urban dictionary entries and just try and figure out what the frick they mean. So the first actual urban what the frictionary entry for today is twent T W U N T. I feel like Alex refers to me as a twin quite often. One it's gotta be. Yeah, it's going to be two swear words breeded to get pushed together in the worst part of a way. If you can imagine what the Americans would call it, Twat. Oh yeah, and the English would call a Kurd twenty twine. Right, okay, so you think it's you think it's an amalgamation of an American and English bad word. Now I think they're both English bad word. But I like the way Americans say twas. So yeah, it's a weird one, I think personally. So you know, you know when you have plurals of something, like we were saying the other day with like heath twats TWAT's. Yeah, I like when when you just throw an ass on the end of somethings, a like a fridge becomes fridges. I always thought it was frug microphone becomes microphones. Can you guess what I'm looking at right now? It's a microphone. At one is is the singular of something and the thing it's a singular of is the word twenty. So twenty is where you have twenti s of something at one is where you have one of a twenty, which is one. It's new way saying one. I love. Okay, one, fair play, okay, I my my guess is that it's to do with the past tense of being the bad nasty c word. So you know, you can say something like tw it what like it was, but like that plus, well, I would be described. They weren't because I'm a former former sybomb. Okay. So, yeah, that's what I was thinking, like a like a past tense pre reform. Yes, I like that. That's really nice. Okay, shall we? Shall we find out? Yeah, yes, yes, okay, please do. The definition for twenty reads as follows. A combination swear word, in this case Twat meats count thought to have been invented by humorist Chris Morris for the Channel Four series jam in the year two thousand of the Channel Four series, they paid him to think of a new swear with absolutely that was all it was. It alright, Tom Moist, you perty sorry, it's on my signal dropped out there. Was it? The thing I said about the like the Singular version of twenty? Yeah, yeah, it was. Yeah, you got the point. AH, sweet, no, it wasn't. Mate, let's give her to the point, give it, he needs it. Come on the wind and I'm just going to side Barus ever, society, guys. Sorry, I'm just gonna get this train. I'M gonna take it all the way off the rails. Just momentarily, while I was waiting for Tom to deliver that urban what the frictionary? I picked up my phone just to browse the intersects. It's really boring listening to him talk. It's Tom Editing the episode, you big, me an idiot. Your face looks like my dog's empty nutsack. Viva Lauravin. What's The frictionary? And I checked the podcast charts just to see where we're doing. Oh, we are the seventh best comedy podcast in Lithuania right now, hey, king, and the two hundred and seventh best podcast in Lithuania overall. Go on, you Lithuanians. Wow, Hello Lithuanians. Why are we so popular over there? We Love It, we love you, we do love it. I love how good we are at podcasting and because of that, I'll be hosting my segment in Lithuanian. Do It, you fucking count if I just enter it now flawlessly, bet gone. Ashley speak some Lithuanian. Now I'm opening Google translate. Hang on, no, that that's not how it know, that's not that's not my fun for your I know. Is Lithuania like that? That was really good joke.

Right. I actually found a really cool thing out and a few weeks ago and about Lithuanian culture. And they don't at when they get when a woman in Lithuania gets married to a man, she doesn't actually change her second name. She just gets a couple of letters added to the end of her existing surname. So if her surname ends in like an a US, it ends in like it gets stuff gets added on and it's now like aete or something like that. So, like they don't take the man's name, they just get something added on the end of it that says they're married now, which I thought was really, really cool and is anti masculinity, which is what we like. Good Job Leuania. Love that. Good, good job Lithuania. I like saying Patria. I feel like I say it, do I say it weird for like a problem. I like say Lithuania, you know, with a W, but I know it's a Yu Lithu ain'tia. If you AIn'tia, Lithuania? HMM. Yeah, you guys, just you guys, just do an Oh, you, you just do Lithuania. I do Lithuania up, okay, you when you're in it. I just say good time. I just say we're having here, just saying the words, just just chatting away about some words that we like. I'm the host now, by the way, guys, just putting out there. Good work. Go for it. Yeah, Jove, I foot down and I've decided it. This week I'm gonna put so little left and you'll be amazed. Now I'm just doing, I'm doing. Am I the assholes, because my segment that I'm doing next week is taking some prep time. Okay, can I just interrupt really, really briefly, and I'm so sorry to take up your time actually, and the Cuckoo time is suggesting that maybe it's time that we get hydrated. So just I can we all just take a take s gues. I had a wonderful girls just now. That's gross cuckoo time, cycle time, and it gives you like suggestions of when to take breaks and what to do on them. Think it also tells us to do yoga sometimes. Hmm, I had it now it's not there. Probably not because you suck. Well, I'm not. I'm not technologically amazing, but make nice things out. I wouldn't mel fourteen thirty. Yeah, we're in okay, as you used to work in Tex support. Yeah, with old ladies that's gotten their passwords. That's so easy. You hold a gun to their heads and you say Margaret Better, but remember that. This word noil. Let's listen, mark, try. Those are in there and I'm gonna wipe them. If you don't, I will sacrifice them to crowd. Damn you colligators. Right. Yeah, so I'm just am I the assholes because I love them, because next week's segment I'm going to do funny, funny lines, funny dialog from pornography and it's going to be brilliant. I've got like Hey, right, I found there's some ash is going to have to watch pornography for research. But I incently by people, and I know very well with just pornography they find funny. And the best one, I'm just going to mention it, honorable mentioned before next week, is lemon stealing horse. It's those damn lemon stealing hole. They are awful. It's just a couple in their garden, hanging out in the looking at the lemon tree, being in love. I can't believe we know the lemons. It's been a year. It's that they really mean at the acting is phenomenal and then all of a sudden there's a lady in Purple liker just in the in the orchard stealing all the lemons and they're just like, Damn you, lemon stealing horse. It's beautiful. I can't wait to send it you both. Thanks. To be honest with you, I've only really ever watched it for the plotlines. So that one's like that one. That no, Tom it's Tom you can use it to bus nuts. It's like, Oh, yeah, Fucke she's got a span as great. Yeah, am I the assholes moving away from pornography, you damn pervets. Am I the asshole for making a punny wall of shame for people who stole from my mom's garden, and that's by user removed. That's that's that's FM and stealing holes. Damn, Damn, these lemons stealing horse. It's literally a link and I don't want to say that it was those lemon stealing horse. Oyay, a wall of shame. So it is? It just like in the gardens, to carden shame, which I assume has...

...like mug shots with like pictures of like celery behind them, and I like Mug shots of them wearing full robbers get up, I imagine, but with sacks full of like a pumpkin. Just just give my salad back, you cabitch. Where did my rake go? I believe it you've stolen my tomade. Hose. Back to hose, my fucking best. All right, the ingredients with are well done. Yeah, I might the asshole. Let's US see the veggies. Show with your roots. Hang on, no, no, no, no, no, no, so I mean I that we. I feel like we can summarize this one pretty quickly. Should you or should you not shame people for doing a crime? Yeah, but it's the yeah, I should like. I'm Nick A. Carry Whoa, guys, hang on, Whoa? Pump the brakes, you scoundrel, right wing, you right wing capitalist fiends. What if the person was hungry, and Paul, I did say, what if they were hungry? Light? We should all have communal gardens. Obviously, I'm okay, but I'll know, I'll still look what you should it's me coming. Come on, Carl, spit some shit. Let's go. Let's go. I'm not gonna do it. I'm better than that, are you not? Not at all. No, I'm fucking raging, but no, am I the ASS off making a pretty wall of shame? No, am I the ASS off of putting people's faces on a so do you want context or not? Because I know the context and I can explain it a little bit to you. Yeah, got it. I'm not going to read the whole thing. I read it earlier. What is actually happened was they were stealing bonnets. You read it and I'm ready, ready, fuckily, I was as you get it, because actually you get you get them off the website. Right. I want to laugh. But that wasn't that wasn't a joke. That was a verbal better, wasn't it? Because you because you got it from ready, and then you said read it, like yeah, the website you got it from. Oh, I thought that was pretty good of you. Like read it. Oh, no, I get it now. That's fucking hilarious. Like, yeah, like the website. Ash, like ready, guys, guys, this isn't a podcast anymore. This is just words. This isn't a podcast anymore. It's just words. You define a podcast. So, basically, fucking leaving me away from boo ready minute. They put basically a side up because they caught footage of people nicking like bulbs, plants, cut up whole roses, like from the bushes, Shit. But they took photos of them using their cars cam, which means I should they left that kind of rote century. Make right their cars camp, printed them out, put them on the front of the garden and said, Oh, hey, they're hey, spelt Jay. Obviously, don't be a daffy deal. Yeah, I fucking know, and steal, or else you might end up doing hard time time, spelt t h Y. Anyway, we have in summary, no, not the asshole. Someone Stin you. Shit, if I had a luscious and and bountiful garden full of Luscious veggies and delicious treats or someone and they were one of Alex's potatoes. Yeah, come, ask me for a potato. I like yeah, don't stay it, don't steal without asking. They might be my most prized potatoes and I wouldn't be interested in you having them, but perhaps I could buy you a big mack or something. Yeah, maybe, may have taken up almost half of your hosting time already with just one listen. I've had a great time laughing, so I'm fine with that. Humor is the best medicine. I just I just like hanging out with the boys. Am I? Time spent chuckling with your buds isn't time wasted at all, unless it's meant to be entertaining for the masses, and then it might just be time wasted. Sorry, Luth you ain't. You drop off...

...that shot like no, that's bussically disclaimer. This podcast is not an Antilithulian podcast. Boom, another one, another one. Am I the Asshole for picking out the peas from my dinner in front of my mum's boss? I The asshole he's picking. So they usually either a throw away account or they are really against or it's a hobby. They just do it all the time. They buy the mixed bags of veedge from from the local sharp and then they just sort him out. But you see, the thing that's confusing to me. Don't think so. If I know Alex, come if I cook up a Yummy, delicious snack for me and bath to enjoy, and I decide I want mushrooms in it and she doesn't rush. I know she doesn't like mushrooms. I won't be upset. She's just got rid of them because tepically that just means double mushrooms for me. Usually there's a pile of mushrooms on the side of the plate and then I just get a big or extra scoop it of Mus shows. The joy that you said that with was beautiful. I'm sorry, that was pictured double scoopins of mushows. I would say, though, the etiquette probably comes into a little bit though, right. So, like, yeah, that's normal. No, but I suppose that when you want to make when you want to make it, when you want to make a good impression to your boss who's come around for dinner, which is weird in and of itself, you probably don't want your either thirteen year old or thirty year old son picking out the peas off of his dinner plate. He could, you could have just left him there and then your mum could have had a delicious pea snack after tea. Yeah, and extra scoopera peas. Yeah. Otherwise your mom might be at work the next day and she'll be picking up the peas. I'll fuck off. That would really if I was the mum in that situation, I'd be really peased at Peter off. I'd be very, very peeved. Sweet corn. That was so anti fucking as one of my favorite things as does, as he says a funny and then analyze it. No, I love it so much as you've made me laughing. You've made me laugh so hard this episode that, honestly, my kidneat beans hurt so much. No, guys started to make me laugh so much. I'll ship my power was that? Do it right, you piece of Shit. Oh, this is just the withered husk of comedy, isn't it? The remass, though, it's just a cool share some some cables to enough comedian graves, you'll be able to use the power of the spinning to power my laptop. God, this podcast, this podcast is a skeleton. The next one is am I the asshole for telling my friend her parents bought her house, not her. What I can? I can give some backstory to please do yeah, gives a little, a little scoop and of back story gets a couch. Also of back store. Give us some law just to help in. Yeah, go for it. So, essentially, to feet, two lady friends, both Twenty Eight, purchased a house last year. It's a Nice House to two stories, nice and big. They've been helping each other decorating moving out. Her parents bought the house and she me and she moved in with them. But basically she's holding it over her and then making the op by kitchen goods like washing machines and stuff and by saying, oh well, it's my house. MMM, you know, I paid for the house, you pay for the for the stuff. But they've moved in together. The houses in both their names. Her parents paid for the House and then they're making goose nine, if different, not in both their names, because that makes it sound like it's a tendency agreement, which it wouldn't be. It would be that somebody is on the morget somebody's name isn't Eddie. Edit. Holy Hell, this blew up. Sorry, I wasn't clear with my friends being F fifty. So it's not that they...

...have fifty. One of them bought the house, but they're living in it together. Okay, so who told the person that the thing that made someone sad the asshole question. Well, basically, inside of a shop they were buying stuff, op was paying for it and then obviously homeowner lady was like, Oh, well, you know, you're paying for this because it's my hat. I purchase my house. But obviously I do think the home the the other person, the the homeowner in this situation, just kind of a right to do that, because it's like, although it wasn't your pounds and punts that bought house, it was your familial relations that enabled to purchase of the property. And if you want to free washing machine, to have free washing machine. Fuck you, opee. Yeah, fuck you. OPE, have a free way. Yeah, OPE, Ope, I'm going to come to your house. I'm not really it's not her house, as I'm gonna come to your friend's house, but by your washing machine, going to break in the lore, going to come into the brand new appliances everywhere. Did you guys know that? Until probably about six years ago, I thought that when there were adverts on telly that was saying about being a homeowner, that the word they were saying was a Hoe Mona and I did not know what that thing was and I just you just follow sex workers around shaming them for no, I just thought. I just thought that it was some kind of financial term or something that an adult could be that I was not yet and when I became an adult I would know what it was. And it took me actually watching an advert and seeing the words written home owner, whilst the yeah, yeah, that's what it is. Asin take it ages, snares me, you home. Oh No, this is my future ruined. That's a that's a goof that I did on myself. That's a good Tommy Goof, Tommy. Thank you, Tommy, good Tommy Goof you just did to thank you, Alley. Thank you, cry Alex. I think I have the last, the last crack crowd Tommy. You let it. See it this week. Yeah, for Fuck's sake, every time somebody says crowd, can you please put the like Lulujah straight after it. I'll try, but maybe not. Probably a lord and Savior Crowdluia. See it, macrod, Crod, Crod, crowd, crod. Hey, Tommy, here in the editing studio. I don't have the time to do the crowd goof. Sorry, audience members and Co hosts. Xoxol isn't isn't crowd. The guy from despicable me. No, that's grouped. Grew. No, groot is the tree. Grew is the guy. Now I I am grews the tree. Hey, guys, know I'm I'm hey, hey, no, group, fellow Superheroes, I must let you know my name. I am it. I haven't watched that one either. I've just seen the memes that Alex is group, but also you might be Alex. by the way, guys, speaking of memes, if you don't follow us on twitter, go on to twitter. Are Our handle is at the thirty three PM, thirty three being the true numbers. Three, three, and Alex made a really sure you make it nice and easy. Yeah, Alex made a meme of what was going on with him doing a record of a podcast, and I'm going to leave it at that, and you guys should go and visit and check it out. But we are we had a good cry, made a meme, including friend of the show Riley. We know. Listen, I cried, I cried. It was Tom's response to the meme was better than the meme. The meme is great, the good to me is funny, but Tom's response just being rally read's not on a twitter issue. Yeah, that set a horror because, like todd, is working really hard talking to cheaple network. Can you guys? Can you guys hear that? I joined it?...

I was choking with you. You just off in the dish. The low rumbles over the hill. It's the money train. Should we hop on? Only if crowd can come with us. But yeah, sure, so, welcome to to too early we do get. I know all about copy pasted. I know you can do it. Okay, wait, hold on, I'll do it, could che there we go and you join it. You join us on that. You join us on the money train. And I just wanted to say in this segment, whilst we're in the back carriage, basically we're going to do a giveaway. Anything from the trolleys. Does know? I'll take won't yourself? Is Litt precures your vote. Friend, Ronald, you're embarrassing me on the train journey. I didn't think about sick of your being a wealthy elite on this train. Didn't think about the comedy that would come with us being on a train. Wow, okay, you did this to yourself top. I did. As I was saying. Guys, we're gonna do a giveaway right, we're gonna have made up a t shirt and a hat for you guys to win. Now we will be posting them on the twitter and on our instagram for you to see. But the way in which we would love for you to enter into our giveaway is to leave us a review on ie US thirty four pounds plus Vah. Know by how like buy money, Alex, stop by buy it with murder likes. You know. You know how I'm doing this thing where I'm talking to people. Let Me Huh. Okay, Tom you would so close to getting this train segment back on tracky, not fuck. Oh, Oh my God, we didn't mean sorry, we didn't mean to derail you. WHO, guys, we're doing a giveaway, and now my two CO hosts, I really hope, will just shut up, and the way in weirdly conducting this bit, I'm gonna quit. Okay, we're doing a giveaway. We're going to have a t shirt, we're going to have a hat for you. We're going to post pictures them on the INSTAGRAM. The way we'd like you to enter the giveaway leave us a review on itunes. We want you to put your instagram handle or your twitter handle in the description of the review and then screenshot that and send it to us over either twitter or Instagram, and then, I believe, in about two weeks time from the day of this episode releasing, we will choose to winners and, depending on who we pull out first, we'll get first pick of the hat and the t shirt, and the person who gets the other one may you got a thing. Hey, that's pretty cool. Crowd willing, crowd willing. Two weeks from now is ages the two hours from minute of this. Whoever's done it, whoever's done it by half past nine on Thursday afternoon, Thursday the sixteen of Septemberlex, you were nick give well at. You really got a learned to conduct yourself when Tom's doing these advert that's that's already been done. You really used a good conducting, didn't he? Well, yeah, but that's the same. That's the same thing. It's the same call word. I did my best, all right, sorry, yeah, and it was bad. Okay, anyway, money train over, I'm jump I'm literally I'm throwing myself Rag doll style off of this fucking done try. Wise I would have said, you know,...

...let's get back off track, but we've done that. Just stop saying. Stop re saying jokes. I'm right, I'm the host now, I'm going to host. Actually, thanks time. I hope you're not going to be too upset and angry during this segment. Enjoy our good google. We've gone said the good. Okay, I'm gonna, I'm just gonna take sexual. Okay, you take a second. We're going to play Bohemian crapsody again, because I still had loads left over from last week. So I hope the listeners and you guys enjoyed it. I love it because we got more. It's the best segment of you. If you do think Tom's you think you've composed yourself now. Oh my God, well, composes. It's music this time. It's music this time, Alex. if you're not careful, I'm going to beat you up. Okay, but I hope not about jokes. Full Flash. Okay, anyway, the first Bohemian crapsody of the day is some time. I don't even got a rap. Well, yeah, no way. Actually, hold on for any new listeners. No, No, Shush, there's time about to put on like Alto ch another. Guys, guys, guys, I forgot. No, genuinely I forgot to introduce it, so nobody's gonna know what the Fuck's going on if they didn't listen last week. Lots on them. Better for any new listen to. Oh my God, this is the seven, almost the similar, best comedy podcasting Lithuania. If you've not listened by now, you're late. You've changed spotting out of the station. Baby, know you're two minutes too late. Guys, my game Bohemian crapsody. I got some real lyrics and I got some fake lyrics in the boys have to figure it out, but also, I might just stop recording this podcast so that could that that's the thing to right. Anyway, I'll I don't think it's going to be great audio if you decide to hate us in episode twenty one. I don't think that's going to be great for those subsequent episodes that if we if when we're not three, three good buds just hanging out and vibe, and that's not going to be good radio. I can you need to be our friends again. Okay, okay, we're friends again. It's all good. I got a fun game for you guys to play. The first one, as I started to say, which I'm not going to edit, now is sometime I don't even got a rap. And then in Bra it's instrumental break. I was really bad at this last episode. I'm going to I'm in try hard mode here. I don't think Tommy would put in the words instrumental break. I think you would. That is a real boy song, real boy song from your boy, main host, number one, me. That's me. That one is that? That one there, and I think it's I think it's fake. I think Tom's trying to throw me off with that sweet, sweet instrumental point to Ashley. No. Point to Alex. it was a Tommy Creation. See Ice all the shit she's I don't do. You know Tom Better than I do. I've got like seven years of friendship on you. It's Christ I don't know. I think of crystal healing and the ability to read minds. Cool, what the and prey crowd, collaboration of those two? Think crowd, crowd, crystal. Okay, okay, cool, come right, I'm trying super fucking hard this one, Tom Give it to me. I'm ready. Okay. Well, this one I had last week, but it's Super Apt for this episode and the lyrics are as follows. Drop kick me Jesus through the gold lists of life. That's that beautiful. I love that. Drop Kip me Jesus. Drop just dropped it, Tommy original. Really, I think it. I think it's real. I think it's too real. Drop kicking me Jesus. See, as always gets them right. So...

I also I also think it's real. That I also think it's real. Okay, point to the both of you. It is a real song. Yes, the song. The song is drop kick me Jesus by Bobby Bear. Bobby Bear, I love him. Drop kick me Jesus, do the goose w yeah, it's wonderful, isn't it? Okay, so, Alex, you are on one, Ashley, you are on to and the next Bohemian crapsody is old Godzilla was hopping around Tokyo city like a big playground when certainly bad, bad came from Shit. Old Gun Silla was happening around Tokyo's diddy like a big playground when suddenly bad men first from the shade and he had got seller with the bad dread. That's that's lemon. Yeah, I know that. I know that track. I'm sure on the basis that, on the basis that actually completed the lyric. I think that one might be real. I'm so sorry, Tom that's a banger. Yeah, it's what it's one way you done. It's a game where you don't want to blow your load early. So well, get good. Well, I've pulled a flee and prepared. Yes, well, that's a throwback. Stop saying her name that way on the PODCAST, please. All right. Let that all right. So can you put the hell of Ludo? Is there for Crod? No, there are no sound effects for you here, Ashley, deal with the consequences of your action. Just got your shut the I'm not going to do it. I'M NOT gonna I'M NOT gonna look at I'm the Big Editman now and I'm in control. Okay, and the next the next one goes as follows. I'm watching her leave, she's taking her keys. BRATT, Alex. you can guess first met. I'm scared. So sorry, Tommy. Could I perhaps do you think, maybe have another reading of that one? Yeah, and it's I'm watching her leave, she's taking her keys, Bratt. It's the Brat that makes it tricky, you know, watching her leave and she's taking her keys. That just sounds like someone's just watching somebody which I know Tom's into. So do like people watching. I think again, I typic. I would have had said that that one was a real one, but I now know better and I think that one's a tommy original. I think Thomas wrote that one for us. I think it's real and I instantly feel like I've regressed my decision making. Alex, you nailed it, but I did. I, you did, I did. I really, you really really did. That was a Tommy One. So you guys are now that one was a Tommy One. My disappointment. You hear that, ask, you stupid piece of Shit. That one was a Tommy One. You guys are now neck and neck. Hey, ash, you dumb idiot. That one was a Tommy Wall. That such a doughnut. I can't believe it. This is the worst Cristmas I've ever had. Don't like such a Donut, all right, such a pan car. You don't know accent. I can't do accents. May that's just never been to look. I've never I've never been anywhere in the look. If it's not grimsby, all, not on him, I'm I'm sure. Okay, so the next Bohemian crepsody goes as follows. Carl marks got his nut sacks wax. Huh, themes is all words. Yeah, I'm pretty sure of it. Just to fill you in. Nut Sacks ends with an x and obviously wax ends with an next. So it's Carl marks got his nutsacks wax. Even a distribute evenly needs even our wow, I ruined the joke. Evenly distributed wax, I hope. Yeah, that's I think you're mispronouncing that one, Tom Because you can't change the pronunciation of marks because that's his name. I think you need to pronounce the other words with Arcs at the end. Can...

...you read it for me like that? Carl marks got his nuts socks works, Yep, but that one's definitely real. I can feel it now in my bones. Actually, with the work sucks barks thing. I'm here for it and I think I completely agree. How can it be, Tom if that's your imagination, you're a powerful person and I'm frightened of you. Will get ready to fear me because it's a Tommy creation voice. I believe it? No, no point's power. It's growing every day. He was crowd all alone. Crowd is inside of us all. The real crowd was the friends who made along the way. That's very true. Ah, I like that. I like that. A's wholesome. That's the moral that's that's the moralist off of podcast, the main role of our story. Yes, that's the morale of US story. It's the Moroli, it's the Marlboro of this story. It's marks of this story. This one is one of my favorite ones and I will try and keep a straight face while I read it. Now I got't take yourself. Okay, so no, bit bitch, excite for this one. bitches suck my Dick. But bitches suck my Dick because I look like jk Rowling. Is actually written by a friend of mine who looks just like jk Ritt. Now that's not true. I think that's real. How could you not want to? Actually, I don't like J K Rowling, I like a book. So I'm going to. I'M gonna get so mad at here because I Tommy knows that I've been listening to Johannes good books and I think it was on his on his little Tommy Brain, and when he was writing them, I think he thought of me and my hobbiest listening of Joan's books and rolling from his subconsciousness. MMM, I think that was a tommy original. So final answers. Alex, you think it's a tommy original, and ash you think it's a real, real boy. It's such a real boy. HMM, as you get the point, mate, it's wanton soup by Li will be little be nate. My point to having JK Rowling's name replaced every time I speak for the rest of this podcast. Now carry on. What a weird request. Okay, I'm on minecraft with my uncle. We building big Dong. We MMM. Is that big dog or Big Dong? Dong, Dong Dong? HMM, building big dog. That's a whole mood. Got The lyricism here. It's a VIBE, isn't it? That's beautiful. What do you think it is, Alex, because I'm feeling that maybe, like Tom Ashley, what I think it is is I think it's lyrical nonsense. I think it's bullshit masquerading is music. I think it's a lie wrapped inside of a FIB pretending to be what we know was music, and I denounce it. I refuse to accept this on my on the ipod of life. I refuse to accept this, Alex, and I think this one by Jesus. Jesus wrote that, and now you feel bad, don't you? If it's by Jesus, I I'll cut it off. How could it? I know? I'll just cut it off. I'm gonna cut it. Fuck it off, all right. If this one's by Jesus or anybody other than Thomas, this one is by Thomas and nobody else. Okay, I might and I'll cut it off. If any, if it's not the thing I said I want, Alex, as Dun so, I'm as you'd be wrong, Alex. you got the point. That was a Tommy Creation. That one was a tommy originally, and I, for one more day, get to keep my penis until I wager it into another man for another hour before I call the bookies. Odds on mate. This...

...next one is is not only lyrics, but it is it's factual. You learn, you learn something from this one. Okay, so the lyrics goes follows. If the light is off, then it isn't one. Well, Fuck Yeah, Huh, thanks Plato, thanks Pluto. That thanks who woo daddy goofy. I'll never forget. I'll never forget. I think that. I think that one was Walt Whitman. Actually, the piece of grass like isn't on. You look into the void, the I'm just so concerned. I think that's real as Fart, not just in like a in this game, but it's like it's real, you know, it's raw, it's yeah, it's so real, so real. That just encapsulates my every waking moment thought, everything that makes me who I am as opposed to you, everything that separates humanity, keeping us so close but yet so distant, with our tiny intricacies that make us different people, different personalities, taste, music, literature, poetry, movie, cinema, all of these things, this vast, vast, sprawling spectrum of lights and dislikes. This, this is it, it's so, this is my verbal pacifier, this is how I'll sleep at night. I just likes not. This is what makes me bust nuts to us. Can we have an answer? Yeah, it's real, tom it's real, it's has been never won't be real. Okay, well, the start, middle it around, Tom you guys are right. It was hilary duff that said that one in a song called so yesterday. She's crowd. Crowd speaks through Hilary Duff. Ash if I'd got that one wrong. That would have been fruity humiliate accessor to bringing Abart that one. Committed really hard to that, didn't we? Yeah, just to close off, I wanted to tell you, guys, one like I'm going to preface by saying this one is a lie, but I was really excited to say it to you and now we've run out of time, so I'm just going to say it anyway. Okay, and just wants fake the lying lyric that I wrote. I wrote and thunk up with my head meat. I put I thought Moorish meant it came from the Moors, because that that's a that's a real thing that I used to think that. One more time I thought it. I thought Moorish meant it came from the Moors. So if, like, you get a pringle and someone went all, that's really Morris, that is tobby little Tommy thought, yes, from the morlands. Yes, the best one you did was somebody got to catch a break, got forty calipers on the floor. That's the best one. I quite like that. Lise way calipers, like Vernya's calipers. I got really excited. I thought it was like an engineering thing. I was like now, like a break, get home mate. It was break calipers. So not an engineering still an engineering thing, but like a tool thing at all, thing, current tool thing at all for stopping a topping him and also implement a topping stool. If it also, is this a podcast? Is it is me crying shit once. It was at one point jokes that you told still be happy about your own jokes. Right. Well, we did a podcast, didn't we? We have done it. Thanks everybody. Thanks, thanks Lithuania. Thanks Lithuania. Twenty one tick. Cool. Well, I've been your host lyrical genius, Tom Hutchinson. I've been your host Almighty Deity Crowd Alex Spring Thought.

I have been your local crowd worshiper, Ashley Whole, our man, Oh man, see you all next week. By why? See, I never, I never understand it, because when, when it gets towards the end of the episode, like, like I always, I always leave my goodbye and toil, like you know that, like I make it real late and long, and you guys always seem to get confused that. To close off, you guys say bye, as always, you say this big gap. I don't get it. It's when, if you guys want to explain yourselves, what was in, like I said that see you next week thing, and then I do a little pause before I say so. Does I see the reason I leave the pauses because I expects to jump in there? Yeah, exactly, stagger. So it's like a sandwich. I say thanks for listening. Ash. There's by the man. You say it make it would. Then we do that then, and then we do this bit here, that we do the bit we're in now, then we get do this bit. Yeah, and then you say by right and the very end, and I really like that. Yeah, that kind of formula doesn't hasn't worked for a couple of weeks. That I don't. I don't think it's every guys. I left the room five minutes ago. I just got back with the did I miss Tom's by and, as you're fired by.

In-Stream Audio Search

NEW

Search across all episodes within this podcast

Episodes (34)