The 33% Majority
The 33% Majority

Episode 27 · 6 months ago

Ep. 27 - Pathetic Podcasting (or, The 50% Bad-Jority)

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Welcome to the most poorly produced podcast in the world, The 33% Majority. Audio crimes and misdemeanors were comitted, so it's The 50% Bad-jority for episode 27.

Ash is absent this week. It's not his fault. He recorded on the scheduled day, but Alex's mic had other ideas. We had to go again, we're sorry.

To both the listeners and Ash:

We hope you don't miss the final 33% of the hosts too badly, and we hope you can get through this episode of The 50% Bad-jority.

If the bits and bytes we've published are sufficient to help you pass the time, do us a favour, and do all the things that help us, maybe please? Subscribe to us on your preferred podcasting platform, leave a review, or maybe even just tell another human of our existence, pretty please?

It's spraying down my fat hog. Hello and welcome back to another episode of the fifty percent majority, a talk show where you'll find two friends, amuly be fuck comblee, sharing the x amount of times worth the fame. I am your audio criminal host, Alex Spring thought at no way. I guess, weakible. Tom, you can, we can be together. What a I are just as well. I'm also the host cup of tea drinker, Tom Hutchinson. You join us for another fifty percent majority episode special. Yeah, without ash not because he did anything wrong. No, he's a good little podcast boy. It does it all. He sits down, he says words into a microphone, he makes sure that through the entirety of his episode it's microphones plugged in properly. Was I don't do that and I ruined it for everybody. So this is episode twenty seven, Revision Two, because twenty seven, Twenty six point five, twenty six point five, r yeah, yeah, yeah, weird one, but yeah, we try. We tried. I committed loads of audio crimes now because I did crimes in the episode when I actually unplugged my mic midway through recording. So for a period of time it was Ashley Hall recording a one hundred percent majority, because my mic was never properly plugged into begin with, disconnected yours. It was just him chatted to himself. It's an it's a new milestone that he has achieved. It should go in the Guinness Book of World Records. And now, at nine pm on Halloween, Ashley's out on a hot, hot day and we're inside making reparations. Yes, how are you, Thomas? Well, it's only been like two days since we actually recorded, so I really have very little new to tell you. The listeners didn't hear it, though. A look all the I tom. You Know Me. I am an actor at heart. Surprise again. Okay, now, actually, I do record some reactions now and then. I could chop them in. Okay. So, no way, Toma. You can't say a wow was a reno. He's a bit sad. Now you tell you story and I'll chop those. Okay, okay, do the few weeks ago. I've lost all concepts of time.

I was looking after a big chunky Labrador love. Yeah, I'm currently looking after a staffy crossed with something. Tomer, you can't say it's a staffy mix. She is very, very cute, but she's a staffy that's the size of like a big labrador, though, no way. So you can just imagine the raw sin you that is behind her every movie. You Go, lady. Yes, exactly. She's a powerful woman. What she isn't good at, though, is being alone. So the only way that I've been able to record peacefully this evening is with my partner sitting with the dog, because otherwise she just screams as the as though someone has been murdered and she has been a witness. Ah, yeah, so that's been a fun weekend that I've had. See, I've been out, I mean another fold to this audio criminalities. I'm actually on holiday right now. I am in the coastal English town of Lewisham. That's a joke. That won't that's not even Finne know delete it's it's always great when you have to explain a joke. In the previous unreleased episode, we hooked for some reason that I'm very used to the seaside and having sand, I think, in my shoes because I live in Lewisham. Now your anecdote. Right. Hi, guys, it's Tom Welcome back to the day. Through percent majority of podcast will find three friends five for the first here's my anecdote. I went to I got a new phone and I ordered a case for it online. I was being in patient, so I went to the apple store and I bought an apple case there and then I got home with the apple case on my apple phone and the Ebay case was there and I put the Ebay case on. I prefer the feel of it. Well, what on nutter our Tom it's me, it's Alex again. I' hop back in. What don't you return the case? Well, Alex, it's me Tom Again. It sticks and stick to it. And then we did jokes about how he lives this see, yes, and how living in Lewisham has a lot of sand in it. Yeah, so the next conversation. So wow. Any way, I am in the coastal town of Lewisham. Now I'm not really I'm in Norfolk and I've spent the day with a puppy dog and he's petrified, terrified to the ends of the Earth. Is this dog of windscreen wipers? Okay, okay, let's drive in the boat. And it started to do a real big rain, real big rain, on this boat full of all my friends of family. I can't see where I was going, so I turned on the wipers and wait. Sorry, dog, all your friends, all your friends and family. Yeah, you were there. Oh, did you forget to invite me to the boat? I forgot to invite you one another beach...

...trip, Tom Fuck say, am I even on this podcast? You Prick. I feel like I've had some we've had some beef the last few episodes. I feel like Tom. I think it's time for us to enter series two of the thirty three percent majority, the one where taught, the one where Tom and Alex are inseparable and always agree with each other. We'refully little friend boys. Remember the first time we met? Didn't you hit me in the face? Punch, a little punch to it. Oh wait, I remember so, wasn't it? So I'm probably going to get on. This is probably wrong. You squirted some thing at me and I pushed you and you dropped your phone, or vice versa. I think. I feel like this speaks quite well to my character. Is I squirted a delicious beverage at you and you return the favorite. I really didn't like it. So Punch, but the problem was it was a really bad punch. Like I think I'd glanced your Chin with the back of my hands, like I've missed you with all of the hand punching me. Also so so bad that I think we just laughed about it and a beautiful friendship blossomed. So I actually think it was the same day that we that we made up and decided from that point onwards that it was best friend and ship that we would we would have together. Yeah, HMM, it's nice though. It's good that was in that was in the the other coastal town of spolding. SPOLDING, Spauldingdonshire. Yes, exactly, go there for the nice beaches and all the seagulls, I guess, all the topless ladies on the on the Sun Tan beaches, yes, where they do surf. You see him. What is this episode than Toma? Have you got anything prepared? Because I really didn't. I just thought I'd sit down stuff a chat. Well, for the fifty percent, this is actually the first fifty percent majority that the two of us have done together. So that's yeah, that's a thing, isn't it? And for the ones that I was conducting, whilst we could never get all three of us together for that stretch of like two or three weeks I was going straight into an urban what the frictionary, and then to some form of a segment. So do you want to what aff for? I'll have an root, please, please. Don't want we moved and and oh ore to fer begins now. And that was my very, very smooth segue into everybody's favorite, this time segment before segments. Then, well, the Frick Schnary. It's hard to get the energy, that high energy when there's just two of...

...you. And Okay, hold on, let me site myself up. You can do it. You could do it. You could do it. Burn. What the Frick Shinnary? That's the ticket. Yeah, that one, that one right there. Tell me that one was the ticket that you did do. Cool. Okay, so the one that I have today is testicular resignation. So I've been a little boat boy today. I've got both killing the mine, bearing in mind it is the third, first of October and I've been out on a boat today. It's been perilously cold. Yeah, you imagine, just fall and that that their water be ever s chilly, and I think I see, you know, you know, the knot sack that they could go into. Yeah, the secret bit, the seat the seat, the secret sack? Yes, so you know the bit up there that they could get into if they'd like to. I think it's one. They just go in there into the bit that we don't we shouldn't really. We don't tend to talk about that one. See, there's a on ticktock. There is a sort of running joke that men have to like trim their foreskin every couple of weeks or sort of re pierce there and their urethra, and it's in a ploy to make women believe that we have to do like these strange things that we never tell them. That's the aim of it. Okay, right, woman knows about the secret place? No woman knows about the secret bullsack. And you've just you've just said it on radio. You just said it. Did say it. I said it was I'm actually recording in the same but Beth is in the room with me. I think she's double podded up right now. So I think we're with noise canceling on. Okay, we might be in the clear. ANC has protected you, but you best believe when she when she listens to this episode, She's gonna want you to show her the secrets we've got a twenty six episode long streak of episodes of the thirty three percent majority that Beth hasn't listened to. Don't yeah, she'd start now. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. Yeah, fair play. So, yes, you're almost I think it's when. I think it's when they'd like to go away from cold or fright and they go to this and they go to the place that they go to it, they recede. That is a crime its end. I was wondering whether or not it's like a really how do I say this nicely? So you know, you know how gay people have like absorbed the word Queer. So Queer used to be a slur and now it's like a great way for them to like it's empowering for gay people to use...

...the word now, and which I think is wonderful. I wonder whether or not it might be an in joke in the lgbtq community to maybe say that they are like in the process of changing gender, resign retiring. Yes, my evening, a set of testicles hung up on like a coat hooks won't be needing you anymore. Yeah, like an old scarf draped over a door. You know exactly the street and you see like a pair of trainers tied over it a powerful just a retired nutsack, just some surplus to requirement nuts. Cool. Yeah, I mean that. I mean that. I hope in them in like the least offensive way possible. Like I'm just wondering if, because urban dictionary seems to be like a place for really, really horrible smutty things, but also just like cultural things as well, old for like, you know, millenniums and Shit should Rey, but like from the streets, from from the you imagine, like an urban environment, like it's like a dictionary for that. Okay, I'm gonna take it. I'm going to take a sip of my tea and then I'm going to give you the definition testicular resignation. When you when you write don't like that Hesitasian Mate, when you write, I quit on your nutsack in magic marker and show them to your boss when you quit. So that's the top one. Has Nobody he's done it. You don't know that. You have not the per person, you are not the purveyor of all resignations. There is a second definition. HMM, when the testicles resign because they get fed up of living next to a Dick and an asshole. Okay, that was just more of a pun. I guess it was just a good goof someone put there. Yeah, somebody just bift on it. And then the the example says Peter Officially gave his testicular resignation today when he walked into his boss's office and whipped out his nutsack. That said I quit, written in magic marker right after he said I know you're going to think I'm nuts old and Peter, old and Peter on the testicular joke. The good job, Pete, you did a good genital joke. Cheers, cheers to you. Pt Oh, our definitions that we come up for forever. What the frictionary? Are they being input it to the AIRBAN dictionary or not? I feel like there needs to be at an entire subcategory of things. What we funk it was. I I'm considering...

...going back through our our catalog of episodes to sort of get an idea of how many times we've been correct, but I could certainly do that. If ash is here and it's about the Pongus and the vanguard, then he knows all about it. Yeah, you know, it's all about ponguses and vanguards. He really does. He knows so many, so many things. He's a very Ashley. Ashley Hall, our Cohost, Ashley Hall, is a very sexually enlightened human. He is he knows his way, he's good. It's around a shocked. Yeah, precisely. That's more than I can say for myself and for you from experience. Yeah, no, home, you were good. shagged Tom me. Sorry, no, you always get lost halfway through. Where's that? But hole gone? Oh No, I need toup pause the show again. I think I'm doing an audio crime as we speak. No, no, Short, no, no, a, no, should we just like? Okay, we need to pause the right now. I'm going to play that. You know, the will be ripe back music and we are, Barry, all right. Sorry, lately I'm very disappointed. I never said I was a good podcast time. I never said I was. No, no, no, you didn't, but I thought that it. Once we were like twenty six episodes in, I thought the process would have gotten pretty like, you know, second nature. No, it's technical difficulties. My Laptop, just the speakers, occasionally emits a loud, unnatural static noise. It's still somewhat doing it now. It's just INTERMITT and if I change any settings it makes me sound like garbled up little robot boy. So we'll roll with it and just hope the magic of editing fix it and the listeners will be forgiving generous. Yeah, because the Internet is is a forgiving place. Yeah, just often full of Nice, generous people. Yes, absolutely. Shall we do some form of segment? Yeah, gone. So I had an idea that, given our fame and the branding success that we've had with the thirty three percent majority, that we could try and rebrand some of the things that the general population hates. Oh now, that's a service. So yeah, and I don't mean anything sort of like horrific or actually, you know, bad and so like. So just some of the things spike comedy. So you think that? Yeah, yeah, I think tricky. You're upset it. Just just the funny bits, is that you? Yeah, just just goofs so slightly. Yeah, for example,...

...traffic. How do we rebrand traffic? So I like it like car sandwich, just a little car savoyage, an opportunity to make friends with four people around you. Yes, exactly, on in front, one behind, once your last, once you're right. They got that's full friend call it. We'll call it a friendship cube. You're stuck in a friendship cube. Sweete, I'm going to be a Litt I'm going to be a little bit late for tea. I am stuck in a friendship square. I'll be I'll be backing seems possible. I'm sorry, just just plake one up the guy next to me making funny faces that I'm beside myself. Love it. Yeah, that's a good example. Yeah, something that's just mundane bit annoying. But maybe we can make it be a little bit more fun as we could go kind of quick, quick fire with it, like rain all outside, shower. You know what, I had exactly the same one in my head. Just just a shower, but for that outside. I'm also you can do you close at the same time. You're welcome. Yeah, exactly. Slow Internet. How do we do slow Internet? Tell me, Oh, call that reflection time. No, slow Internet is fast Internet, but spread out. It's fast into that you can enjoy for longer. Yes, exactly. Gives you more of an opportunity to appreciate it. It's the equivalent of paying the church to go to heaven. It's like paying Voda phone for extra fast Wi fi, but you, you still must like say thank you in the downtime. Thank you. Kind might Typolo vote for thank you. Thank you, bet for the for the the Chunky bits and bites. Thank you for my fat pipes. Yeah, Richard Branson, who sucky bloke. What about commuting? See, I like commute in anyway. I don't like to shit where I eat. Okay, I like a commute. Writer. Commute is for me. I think the reason I like it is because it's wake up time, right, okay, and you what? You just really like being awake. Helps with the work. Yeah, for sure, you're going to work to be awake like a half an. Okay, I just extra long wake up time. So my idea for how to rebrand commuting for people that dislike it would would just be to cool commuting podcast time. Oh, if you per some majority time, hello, especially if you stuck in a friendship cube. Yes, exactly. I didn't even specifically mean like the thirty three percent majority, but for me, like being on a train for an hour but having to get off an onto another one multiple times, is a perfect opportunity to just listen to podcasts ton't side because time. Yeah, I...

...know, you listen to multiple podcast I do as well, but you can recommend one right now. What would it be? My brother, my brother and me really. Yeah, Oh, every day. To anyone that hasn't listened to it, my brother, my brother and me by the MAC L Roy brothers. Yeah, hands down, all enough. I would. I would, I would like you know how everybody's got that TV program that they can intently watch and laugh every single time, or it's just have it on in the background. Is Like Comfort, the friend listening of the podcasting or the US office or Brooklyn Nine. Yeah, any of those. That's that's what that's what my bin Bam is. Yeah, it's just it's great if you're intently listening or you just want it to go to sleep to. Either way, fantastic podcasting and it is good for that. I would recommend dungeons and Daddy's. Yeah, it's a dungeons and dragon is actual play podcast by people that are actually competent being humans. I'm it a minute now. Just sorry, I've paused again because I'm in a chared house on holiday and the people upstairs are like, I think it's a dance competition just by the cells of the but fuck so have you? Have you? Have you put off? You stopped to your recording? No, no, I just like con sentence. Dungeons and Daddy's is an actual play dungeons and dragons podcast by people that know about podcasting and playing dungeons and dragons, unlike us. In episode ten, it's actually very, very funny. It's actually good. Some Dad's from our world. You get sucked into the forgotten realms on a mission to save the lost children. I understand. It's incredible. I'm listening to you as though I haven't like listened to it before. But yeah, no, yeah, cheers, you welcome. Make that's just an Ali recommendation. Yeah, yeah, cool. How do we every brand being cold? A little. I've been cold. Oh, that's a tough one, isn't it? You See, this is the thing. I think that being cold is just a mindset change, because it's actually impossible. Like cold isn't a thing you can be. Nothing can be cold. Cold is just an absence of heat. Okay, so it's not necessarily that you are cold, it's just that there's not much warmth. Like. Then it's an opportunity for reflection. Yeah, of Memories. Wants hot. I'll remember in the Yorker. Oh my God, you remember July Two Thousand and twenty red. I tell all the all the windows open. I don't windows and bloody fens. I'm doing an impression of palm from Gavin and stays. I to get my I to get...

...myself a little cold flannels, but that's just a not warm flannel really, when you figured out we've got a sprits bottle. My had bottle of water that we sprits one another with. That look cooler the sweet blowing gusts from the fan. I have exactly the same thing and I was talking about me in new tongue, which are yet in the book, in the podcast studio. Yeah, I'man outside of the studio. When you're not spraying, spraying my hot naked body, listening out my supple, succulent form bond, spraying down my fat hog, just hosing me off, Hos in my hose. It's gotta cool off, my sweet sexy friends, Tommy, me, excuse me, Ash, whilst you're in the middle of your segment, I will just need to spray Alex's cock quickly. It won't take long. Good Gracious Thomas, I feel like we took a term. We did. We took it to my I have a sprits bottle, much like you and your partner. I specifically like to use it whilst I'm in bed just to get that like that cool mist. Spray up into the air, added edge off. Yes, exactly. Also spray on the bed, sometimes in it like and yeah, even though it's wet, it's wet and cool. From young man. No, it's nice, but no, my partner, damn it, sad, is never okay, I'm going to cut you off. Don't want to fall out again. Damn bed, not okay. Don't get what's cool. Bed, damp, cool bed, though. It's so cool. SAGO sheets equals Yuck. Soggy mattress is cool, though. HMM, it's non warm. You're horribly man. Okay, we'll be with your actions whatever. Prick and I have a sprits bottle and when I spray in the air and some of it hits my partner, she's very, very cross at me. So I have to be very, very precisely my sprits and because she doesn't like the cold hitting her when she's laying in bed. So okay, a lot trouble well here. That was where I was trying to go, and then we just got onto fat hogs and damp mattresses. It's so easy to do, though, isn't it? What to do a fat hog? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I have that problem regularly. Tom I don't like it when I walk across my driveway wearing my boots because all the little bits, all the little stones, get stuck in like the is it tread? Yeah, I know, I think it's the well, when it gets stuck in my treads, I don't like it. What, I've got stones in my treads on my shoes. had or how do we rebrun that? Okay,...

...we refer to that as rehoming the stones. Okay, slow and selective gravel removal surface, yes, exactly. Yes, you know, you know how when you have like plants and with the soil, you're supposed to like rake the soil and stuff to make sure it's all fresh and all the nutrients are getting all around that. But with your gravel. Okay, but to my kitchen, just typically. Yeah, take my boots. Yeah, what else to people not like what I like so much stuff don't yeah, what what about when you t gets cold, you cut a tea of or cup of that's a delightful treat for me. That is because I don't like tea. You don't like tea, throw it out the window, you don't like tea, car you don't like I don't like a cup of tea. No, no, I don't know the flavors of it when it goes on to my tongue. I'd rather have a decaffeinated coffee at the end of the day than MMM, isn't there a is it a myth? Is it a lie that t contains more caffeine than coffee? That real boy, true fact. I think they're actually both very similar and if we're talking like instant coffee, I think that if you were to go to like a proper Barista and get a coffee, it's probably going to be stronger than a cup of tea. I know, yeah, it makes me go quicker. You See, that's a strange thing for genuinely see. So I was listeners. I was introduced to coffee by Alex when we were probably about fourteen. Do you remember? Colduce you to everything fucking cool, don't I? Yeah, most of the cool stuff. Yeah, so cute, it's smoking, it's playing boards plate know, that was at that was the other way around. and Old people playing video games in a garage. That one's real real. That one's cool. Watching breaking bad in a garage, that one was real. Yeah, in a garage, washing skateboard bearings in petrol in a garage in a quarter Ridge where we had lots of lighters in the garage. Oh, I really like it. I really like having my TV on top of a freezer, like the TV that you add on top of a freezer in your garage, in the garage. Yeah, ps, I used to live in a garage, Horrid Old Red Sofa in the garage, and I don't really know where I was going. Oh Yeah, you know, they were just reminisced for a while. I don't know the podcast. That's just for me and you. We just had fun there and just enjoyed that bit. Yeah, Alex introduced me to coffee when I was fourteen and I think, yeah, probably most as since then I've drank it, which isn't like that much of a you know, a brag or anything like. I've had fucking coffee every day...

...since then. No, and you fucking coffee fiend. I know I'm such a bitch for coffee and it's simple. For stub I'm just so horny for coster. Give me a plastically. She's to be costed, Danny, you please. But the strange thing is is that I haven't felt the effects of coffee. I felt it once, I would say in the last six years easily. I haven't had a buzz from a coffee. Yeah, I'll, I could have one right before bed. I'd be fine. Like know, if on an empty stommer, if I have an entire cafetierre of coffee. Oh, I get the jitters from it and it does make me go over. This is quick, and then I get a big headache and they need lie out. It does become speedy juice for you, I see. Yeah, speed juice made me go fast. Yeah, when I am when. You know when I got stuck in Australia, listeners, I got stuck in Australia at the start of the pandemic. HMM, that happened. That was a thing. On the way back we were stuck in Qatar for about like six hours or maybe eight hours, so we just had to sort of sit and do nothing, and the AL or nylon, sorry, was that like an engineering joke or something? No one you guitar. Oh, ha ha ha, I guess is that what you're looking for? Look good, good, good humor. I suppose just want friend Tom Laugh, but a word play. So that's all I ever. It's just make you have a little chuckle. So, yeah, think you back on it. It's actually quite funny. So I'm just gonna say over and I'll just be quiet. You said things. You will say about Australia that you were saying about them coffee. We're jokes. On the actually particklell be quite a lot slow burns. This is slow release. Yeah, much like a good coffee. It needed time to sneak. That's a t term, isn't it? Offee brew, no, aged took perfection. This ky for four minutes. Fucks for minute for minute. Coffee Steep. It's is it comedy? I don't know, know. I was in the Acoustic Guitar and fuck tea break. Sorry, Thos, you're sorry's I was. You were in cartile. So yeah,...

I was it. I was in Qatar and I got a Turkish coffee and I felt like I was going to die. I had to I had to go to the toilet like three or four times to make myself be sick. My heart was racing, I was sweating, it was like crazy. Yeah, what's different about Turkish coffee? I think it's just stronge, just stronge, cough, stronge, cough. Yeah, that's what it that's what it's strong. Make go very fast, so, so fast. Body can't cope. Need Sick Lady. Do you need to come up to the bird to get up here? My pregnant wife is on the floor. I recalled podcast. Well, I think that you're six month pregnant, she's just pointed out. Would you like to hop up here? I can give you a hand. He sure. She might poo herself. She might. She might do poo because of the baby play pressing on a poo place. Let me know pregnancy is interested. She fell asleep on the back of a moving boat earlier, just exposed to the elements, getting splashed. You just need a little mom that shed gilled up an add one. That's a good man builder. Impressive. Well, Alex. on on the note of you being a terrible husband and also father to be, maybe we should, maybe we should end this episode of the fifty percent majority and you can go and look after your pregnant wife. Thank you very much, Tom. Thank you. Hopportune to to make reparations for a horrible audio crimes. Sorry, it was all for nothing because I goofed in the middle of there. Yeah, well, maybe there's all. There's always next week and every week to come. Hey, there's always next week. Yeah, don't you remember when we used to have a really successful podcast and we were like number one in international charts? To remember what the fuck happened? What happened? You know? I blame them, I'll be honest. Well, if you do like this horrible these horrible bits and bites that you've been listening to, a review on apple podcasts, it be really great. If you're listening on spotify, following US would really help as well, and maybe just telling a friend that would be that be sweet too. And if you really didn't like this episode because it didn't have Ashley in it, just let him know that you missed him. He'd like that, sure you would. He'd beat it out there being in love on Halloween, missing out on the great fun. Is this? Yes, that such such body guys such such good fun. He has not been here for HMM. Okay, well, I've been your amicable host, Tom Hutchinson. I have also been your armish host, Alex Springs. Guten tag friends,...

I'll feed the same by WHOA next week podcast. Goodbye, bye, Shit podcast. This is now. You've actually just gone. You started recording already Tom at the end of the PODCAST, I always stay recording follow five minutes because I know that you just say nonsense towards the end of the say bye after three minutes by.

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