The 33% Majority
The 33% Majority

Episode 34 · 11 months ago

Ep. 34 - This one isn’t for you (or, The 50% Exclusivity)

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

2 episodes in the space of a few days, how lucky are you? Rhetorical as that question might seem, the answer is 'not very'. 

In this episode of 'The People's Favourite' podcast (The 50% Majority), Tom isn't in it, so your 2 'A' boys will be taking the stage.

However, we must warn you... Alex and Ash did this one for themselves. Very self indulgent. Lots of Reddit...

If you decided to listen, do so at your own peril.

k thanks love u bye x

But I do want to kiss me. Is that what it is? Springthorpe, Alex Enthusias, amateur host your I'm famed, minutes of fifteen. They're sharing amicably, friends to find your where show talk a majority, fifty percent. The two back. Welcome and hello. What the fuck was that? I'm your host, Astley Hall. To pass that. You can pass that. Most of it I got. Welcome to the fifty percent majority. Tell you what? Tell you what, editor, play the takeback. Oh No, hello, and welcome back to the fifty percent. Charity's come to talk show. BLEEN JE'll five two for instant. Amicably share their fifteen. So minute fame. I'm your host. How much enthusis Ballex Springthorpe? So that was the intro. Backwards. It's not going to that's not how it works. Play that backwards. It's going to be nonsense. In the right order. Okay, we're jumping straight into the the metisphere right now. This is a fifty percent majority show because Tom is too busy being Tom. It is also the one that I'm going to teach Ashley how to edit the show on. I've been personally victimized and attacked by this episode. At the fifty percent majority. So we're just going to drop in a load of load of cheats. It just a couple of little snick snack, just editing tricks, gimmicks and Gizmos for us to enjure. So if you came here a organic three friends comedy, you, you Shoulok, homie. Welcome to the thunder dome. INSERTAIN lightning, crackles, thunder, all of that Shenanigans. Maybe the sound of a horse name. Well, that what made me jump. Why is there a horse there? Why isn't there a horse here? That's the real climes, the horse flying that. And why are we sat on the Horse? Why is the wind rushing through our hair as we ride this horse through the podcast zone? Immaculate? I'm I'm nervous, I'm shaking. My Jimmy's are russelled. My Russell's their jimmied. So prep chaos, prep for the show. Wise, I mean, I did it. Don't wrote the intro backwards. Apart from that, oh, you got lunch again. This is a wild, unkempt garden of a podcast and we came to nature in all of its forms. Here, no problems anywhere abound. So I mean, I mean how are you ash? Shall we start there? It's good place to start. How are you did? I think that's a nice place to start. I'm okay. I'm working a lot at the moment, but I've been spending a lot of time working on my bicycle. HMM. I I've had a pretty chaotic week because, first of all, my cat Winston has developed a limb. It's not like she's just baby. Is He okay, he's not. It's like one of his shoulders just dips a little when he walks. It almost looks like a swag. It looks like he just got laid. That's it's he's got that walk. My Dad was telling me the other day that when he used to run pubs, one of the tails of a someone's about to uppercut you is people's like, without realizing they're doing it, drop whatever shoulder they're about to yeah, they put the arm. It's gonna way to do that. They're gonna upper cut you with so maybe about to just fucking sparky clean men hit the door open and then me just go no, I'll know, and that hut great. And now they just did. They did just hear that. Because of the audio challenges but I speak entirely in metaphor. This is fucking awful. So yeah, essentially my cat started lending because I think he knows that when he's injured we give him Ham, when we give him his pills or sad, we're giving this a little bit of Ham. She can have a little slumming Alex, just as a tree snack, just little snack for the boys. So yeah, like I I given the hand, but I like, well, I am it's other medicinal properties to have. Is it just a Muskus sorrow? He loves HAM. It's his favorite. We've taken him the bet and then they give us talent going hey, you can put these in his food when he is not fuck go tablets that you can give him an you go. No, thank you, to anounce your Western medicine. This boy, this boy, will use ham, has power. I'm an anti vet sir. Yeah, no, I don't believe in there's a big, big better are out for to get your pass. They're going to track them with micerships like the yeah, the big chain of the big veterinarian chain Roun Round these parts. That's for pets. It's a threat. Will that an effects? That's a fucking prop of beat over that at a that is already but no, so we give them his tablets in. This is twenty minutes story about me. You fucking putting tablets to the cat's ham doing a ham trick to a boy,...

...trick to my fucking idiot cat son. But yeah, there's nothing on his leg. I sat within the other night searched him for like fucking twenty minutes. The Bee's knees has the CAM. That's another fucking editing challenge. The Bee's knees has the camera over the cat and I'm like petting in. It's like it's okay, let me just examine your fucking feet like some kind of possessed cat pervert. There's nothing wrong with him and I hate him for it. I begrudge him every piece of Ham. You just it's just doing an am I I really got you to go for Hampston. Just hope I figured it out. Tricky Little Hams, doesn't it? Alex, how's your we've been if you've been if you've been busting appropriate amounts of nut? Oh, I've been going to Dad School, Classic Dad Score Maneuver. Have you been wearing a dad hat? Your Dad Jumper on. They make your own uniform. Is there a blazer? Do you have crocks? No, no, none of these things. They just talked to you about empowerment. Hell yeah, and an endorphins and how they're good. I hope you get a baby out. You're going to empower your child. No, power my wife so that she can shit the boy out. Very well, that sounds beautiful. That's that was poetic. Poetic. No, it's been a pretty boring week. I mean, I don't know if it ever came up last episode, but I've got a new carves just but I enjoying that. You know, I haven't heard about that. Alex. if you got a new car, I've got a new car. Yeah, it's really nice. Geez, like it crazy. It's like you remember. You remember the cursed red scam car. I have vague memories of a car disguised as I hampst. No Heist, the other one. Sorry, it's like that. But like actually good going, stopping, maybe even a corner or two. It does all of them ferociously well, for it is a performance dad car. I'm very pleased with it. Very pleased with it. Is the is the engine bigger than the two later that Tom had yes, just checking in carry them. You know that saying that Mum's like where it's like dance, like no one's watch him live. Laugh, love. Yeah, what bye. If we just podcasted like no one was listened? What? This one's just for me, an ash this is just this is just the boys, this is just you and me, like like, like. Tom Isn't a very mechanical man. He likes his digital media. But we don't, we don't talk about that in an amazing detail because we know that not everybody's into that sort of thing. So we can just talk about whatever we want to talk about, just for one another. That that's a rare treat. That's a did delightful, a nice little, a little Alex. this one's just for us. This one's for the boys. This one's for for the a boys, double, a double. We are a battery. Anybody listening at this point, don't worry about it. Just catch US next week. This one's not for you. You're not invited. You have to go home now. Sorry, your mom's calling. Yeah, you've got dinner, Ashley. We didn't. We didn't prepare segments. Didn't, but but I did. I did ask our good friends at Reddit for some good questions. Would you like some good questions? I'd love a good question. Nothing would bring me more joy. I think this one's going to be a good one for you, because you've met some Weirdos in your time. I don't like where this is going, because those where is still know me. What's the weirdest thing a stranger has ever said to you? Can it be someone I thought was a stranger who later turned out to be a person I know very well? Yes, absolutely, you can. Excellent. So I got there used to be a lot of random like anonymous chat APPs, chaps, chaps, just a couple of chaps online. You know, all the kids love chaps online. So that's a terrible sentence, but yeah, I used to. I used to get asked questions because I used to have those accounts and I just ask people questions and be asked questions. And I got a message from someone that just said he's like a crackhead with very pretty eyes, and I fully fell in love with that person, like I invented them in my hair. They were deliciously hang on. Yeah, Alex is having flashbacks now, as he remember, it was like yeah, this guy's this guy's fucking crazy. PUP The brakes, beautiful, and then like a month patter, I think it was longer than I think it's a couple of years past. Pull this car over that wait, Alex, the breakes here, because the person I fell in love with, throe, one sentence, was as please pull over, and telling me that, like after after, I'd like fallen in love with his fucking phrase, like to the point where other people knew about that. Like I was like hey, this one person once said to me that I like a crack at really pretty eyes, and I was like love with that. You do...

...have really pretty eyes, and also murderous thing that you just did. It killed me, like it fucking destroyed good week. I didn't think I could enjoy human beings ever again after that. This is tough. I dealt with it. I don't want it pretty swiftly, Alex, do you remember that? That was because I wanted to know that you're they were stay. Didn't ever met. I couldn't. I couldn't have pulled that out of a bag, but as soon as you started telling, telling it, it came flooding back, just fucking poetic. WHO's the way of stranger you've met a sides from, obviously, like me and Tom. Well, there was this there was this one guy. He looked a bit like a crackhead, all right, but I where this is eyes, oh or to die for. It wasn't really a A. I mean I guess it was a stranger. So I when I just passed my motorbike test, me and Beth we went on a motorbike trip, just the two of US went over see a mom when it was like, you know, two hundred mile round trip. We got there and she was like that was just it was a long way there. Can we just go a bit more of a direct way home or was yeah, no worries. We ended up going through through Birmingham to get on too, like a motorway to know, just fast track our way home. Yeah, and as we were going through Birmingham there was like a dual carriageway, so two lanes. It was like forty mile an hour and there was just a police car stopped dead in at the middle of one of the lanes. I was like, okay, weird, overtake, you know, move lanes, go around it. Called back in fine, safe. I'm not hoooning about I've just passed and I've got my lady wife on the back. Just a nice, gentle steady ride out. Well, the Bembo can't just a bimble. I checked my mirror and this police car, just like as Bucky, set off and and was just like on our six and went over a round about, evasive maneuvers, over a roundabout, over another roundabout and the roundabout yes before we were getting on the the motorway and blue lights, sirens. I just pulled over and he clearly wasn't expecting me to do that because he jumps out of the car comes running over like to have the bike off, turn it off. Okay, okay, that Beth hops AF, takes a helmet off and goes even officer, you're right, and I go yeah, Hello Mate. What what can I do you for? He said, Oh, I'll be honest, I thought the pike was nicked. And then he gets his radio and he's like stand down, you know, call it off, no push you. They've pulled over and like twenty police cars go over this roundabout in the background as I just hand over my license and go yeah, isn't short, I promise. It's like, Oh my God, I'm I could have died. You're there. Is, though, that anyone on a bandit does give off soul and bike vibes. Stolen bike can achieve. There are. There are very shifty by this one is a question, Ashley, that I don't know if it's funny. I personally don't. Don't have one for it. I was just curious to kind of hear your thoughts on. I hate this because you're gonna just use the questions as like I know this man, what does he know? Just like bear in mind it's a comedy podcast, but also it is just for me and you. At this point we warn the listeners. It's only I was listening. Yeah, of course, in your opinion, Ashley well is undeniably the most evil profession. No, this is bad. I'm not going to get political. Okay, I will not go into the jobs. I think it just fucking a moral. In fact, no, fucking immoral, any moral. That is the worst way to say the thing. You say bad. I would say Aymore. A moral is a word. It just means without I think. I think I'm wrong, but yeah, so the word. Okay, evil profession dictators, pretty bad, isn't it? There's not been many good dictators it's a profession. Would you call what is that of your career? Would you include dictator on your CV? If you're fucking good at it, maybe. What are you passions? subdewing people? I like, rules of a real good rule follower. No, we that's not funny. The most evil profession without getting like weird, it's hard because I think military can be justified if your family are or fucking military, you can be. You can what what about, Ashley? If, what about if you had a without repercussion? One sentence, and when I say one sentence, I don't mean a ramble that you don't take a breathrought, just one suk sentence with no repercussions. What's some most evil profession? What is it? This is I've all eight. Which one? Which one is it? Then a man, I feel like modern military that don't enlist because they are forced to. I feel like that's not great. I'm not naive enough to believe we don't need military, like I'm not stupid enough to think that we'd exist without a military and that we would be in any way safe, but I think it's sad that that's a fucking job you can have. I think it's pretty evil that a government can push for that as like a hey, this is a really good career path, and it. Don't get me wrong, people fucking do make...

...a great career there and I'm grateful to people that have fucking done their part and looked after looked after the country. But at a certain point it stopped being looking after the country and started being looking out for a corrupt places interests, dot, dot DUP. Yeah, I think modern soldiers, Hay, that's no fucking great. See how I don't know, like I get what yours is going, but I think the people that make dream catches are pretty fucking evil. What are those dreams? Ever? Do you to know how many fucking dreams you still trying to stop? Dreams? For, man, why are trying to repress dreams? Look, why do you sound more like children this episode? That's beautiful. What tired? I sound like I'm high. Got Me, it's right. Next next question on my list. Will move away from that one unless you've got any more to say on it. I can't think of anything that wouldn't bring me into a fit of rage or apoplexy soon. Bone thief, someone that steals you bones. Gildoy lot car done a bone bone ees, but you know she's listen. If you're rubbing graves, what do you need it for really, like what? Even back in modern time, those but bones are all used up. Dead Person. Don't go and dig one up, like don't make your own fun to Table Net from mum. Seeking ahead grave thing is not a great you couldn't. It's hard. You mostly work nights, like, unless you're very good. I literally grave shift. But yeah, it's exactly that. The irony this one I copied and pasted from redd into my google dark because it was like someone added me. People who don't use their turn signals. Why? Just why? Because fuck you. That's why he's there. I'm going get lost. To know where the fucking what about my primacy? You need to know where I'm going. That's just weird. I want to go. Trying to check me down because I stole all your bones. Well, calm mystery. I'm a mystery boy on the row. That's the most evil job in the world. You don't. Are soldiers out there alone. Funny that? I don't think it is funny. I don't think it's not funny. This next, this next one's on brand. I just thought this was another weird one that cropped up in it and in the monkst like him. What's the trickiest thing to bake? It was just like these ones that stand out. Actually, how would you like your remains to be disposed off? And I don't the answered hew secure me. Finally, even definitely want to be scattered. I want to be scattered at Disneyland, but I don't want to be cremated. But I'm behind the calf. Ashley into a fine missed and paint him all over Disney. Anyone see Ashley? Yeah, over the place, myself and everyone else's bad one. You can't, can't stay. That is yeah. So shall we actually want? I would like to be just thrown into some fucking woods just to trip some kids out two hundred years from now, that I find a human skull. Well, fuck that, two hundred gears from now, just like twenty minutes it's didn't they do a movie about that, finding a body in the woods? I think that's pretty cliche. Yeah, if only there was someone here that new lots. Of which one is it now? Which one is the kid? The kids were? They go on in an adventure to dead wind town. Better friends aren't they, I think, is that they find about now, Ashley, for Real, what's this movie called? I've seen it. It's one I've seen that don't remember the only fucking hints I have his kids find a body, Alex. that does not narrow anything down. There's a song and I only know every six words in it. Okay, Alex is live, Alex. think about it. What is it? He stand by me? The name of the song or the movie? Boo Boo? Yeah, Ye, stand by me is there's six kids that almost get by a fucking train, isn't it on the way to go and see a corpse? I think, I think that's what the movie is about, if not ignoral a, actually just that you guys...

...want to see a dead body. I think that's an a line from it, isn't it? You guys want to see a dead body. I think I remember Ltney McQueen saying that could chow taking mater over to a scrapyard. No, wait, isn't that what made it does? Oh my God, wait, hang on, but sure he's a tow trunk. Surely you under scrap yard? He's a he's the very thief, dude mechanic, just fucking that's terrifying. I don't like that. Oh my God, no, mechanics are surgeons. Mechanics are doctors. They just happened to throw away all the bits that are a bit rubbish. But I'm in a bit. It's just collecting them. It's not. YOU'RE A serial. Imagine you what knowing. Imagine you went to the doctors and they were like, Oh, yeah, Astuley, your arms a bit rubbish, will have to get rid of this while to put another one on, and the you've what? Then they turn your army to a washing machine. You'd be pretty upset, I think, pretty handy. No, nobody intended like I reattach it me a washing machine for hand. Does that mean that wherever my hand go, go gadget, spin cycle? That's what you said. I'm not going crazy. And they tell your armor to a washing machine. Now I am. Yeah, my bad, no, I'mn like. The arm is taken off and they go all, that's a rubbish one and, like gave would a car, they send it off to the scrap scraptown USA. And what Scraptown USA does is they recycle the metal and they turn it into a washing machine. That's that's the fat where my thread, your hand is washing somebody's underwear. It's how it would have won. Yeah, Alex, let's be let's be fair, and that is how you would like your remains to be disposed of. Shall we head over to Tommy? Tommy Time? I think it'll be sad about him and I don't think we can do the intro without him. I think. Well, no, that's what I mean. Sure we head over to Tommy Time? Yes, please, I'd love to do Tommy Time. Hey, everyone, and welcome back to your favorite segment between segments. Urban, urban, urban, what's the Sherry? Hello, Ladies You gentlemen, and welcome back to one of the episode. Noe. How does he do it, Tom How do you do it? Welcome back, everybody, to your favorite segment between segments. Burn, what the fuck? Chennery? Just like that, that's right, segment between segments and what the fructionary? This week's entry, Ashley, I'm so ready he's come back. Come back, just come back, just come back. I don't want. I want to go out on the limb here and just say, is it a bag of cum or it's and hit me skea bag could be oh don't that. You've given it a lot of scale there, mate. There was not a lot of need for that. It's a lot of God, is that like? That's too much. Comes a small paper bag. What's the worst bag to receive? Coming though? Like a builder's bulk bag? How much liquid cannon? I Ikea bag hold. I can stop that. How much is a rhino? Seventy one liters of JIZZ. Oh My goodhead's pretty not great. So if it's not an Ikea size come bag of cum. Is it when somebody's written scumbag on something but you've just rubbed off? Yes, so it's just scumbag, but without the yes. Just just actually more scummy. Yeah, there's a result of being less scummy. Scummy Commy, so yummy. More is last moist boys. Less let's is. Let's just that isn't even what I wanted to say. I just did it bad. Just did a really ferociously bad job of it. That's my entire life, Alex. thank you for that. Is it? Is it a bag of cops have to know, Alex. they have a right. The families are waiting there and I need to put it out into the universe that this isn't a confession. I don't like that. You know, you know how some men would get a sock. I've heard the tails, but I can't picture getting a suck. SOCK is bag. SOCK is just long bag. Is Long bag for foot, isn't it? Long back? Long bag for foot. When done? When done on foot, it could be used to oh, that's horrific. A Wellington is just a big bag of foot. I hate all of this. This is the worst. Oh, my cat's me out at the door, which let me let him in so you can hear him. Yeah, we can have a guest on. See what's a bag? He's a bag. He's a come bag. All right, Shane, fucking tiny cat, come back, Mr Dawson. Clip of Shane speaking now. I accidentally did an e see on swer. So we're all out of Shawe Dowson. We've only got any sounds. That's an easy okay, we only have Winston.

Welcome, welcome to the thirty throopers. A majority. What would you like to talk about for your wisdom? What's your fifteen minutes of fame could be about? He's gonna Knock over a candle and fucking destroy the curtains. I pinch him or something. So e me ouse if I muffled. It's good talking through a cat. World's liveliest pop builderste okay, get a sniff. The comeback is gone. Let's discuss what's a comebag? Oh, hello, kitten. Did you hear him that time? Hello, I did, I heard. I heard the biggest key scream. He screams. Is actually a comebag. Is a bottom of the barrel hoe who uses her vagina as storage or a bag for calm. Fuck me, I didn't need that. I don't you need any of that. That's fucking pretty disrespectful. All right, and everyone knows thing to say address that kind of person without being disrespectful. It's all. She's a sexy bitch. Okay, there's nothing. Yeah, example. I know. No, no, I do, I do music, Ash, it's just movies. I don't. I can make it through a three minute long some just can't do two hours of bullshit. It's Tommy likes to do the definition. Like the example, and at this one here is dude. Vanessa's such a comeback she fucked twelve guys last night. Cough, yeah, get it. Well, one thing's for sir, Ashley, she did. Vanessa is not the great robber she has at least twelve alibis for last night. If you ask her where she was, she will give you a literal phone book. I was in Derek's house, I was at Clyde's house, Stevens, I went over to Vicky's house and her husband Kevin was there. Kevin. No, Kevin Dave from across the retail park, Dave that works at will coos Simon, not the mechanic, the builder, his brother Bob, not the build a mechanic. I'm really glad you like the fucking worst. It's a reach on. Let's get it. Wendy's gonna be fucking upset, don't fuck. She's gonna be raising. They'RE gonna be raising pilcher as a single mother. Wendy now a baby. Oh fucking we thank you, Winston, for doing the voice acting for pilched, though it's an official voice actor for built, builded, the blue cat check. Welcome you checks in the post mate. It's a loyal royalties. Yeah, royalty. I always had loyalties. They're like he's he's a cat's come. He's got another base. That's all upon. Oh, thank you for coming back to shake off think. No, thank actually, thank you for coming back to shake cost some of this laughter energy. Thanks, nurs classic. Right, you want to go back to ask credits or what do you want to do? What I see I can do. I can do ask credits. Yeah, I like them. I I quite like an ass. It's a nice prompt for us to just talk about either old times or just fun things, just fun, fun, exciting new change. A couple of a nurse is out here getting those ask credit dicks. Actually, what is something that's perfect as is? Fuck. You've come to me on the wrong day and I think you bang on there. Mate, I think you're bang on. I don't think you can improve fuck. FOCK's pretty you know what fuck is pretty good. Fuck is. Here's a two thousands mean for your fuck is pizza. Even when it's bad, it's okay. Fuck is perfect as is. Okay, live in the moment. Get that. I would have been about seven, so I think that one was probably a bit ahead of me. Ten now. That's not we can will it. We're learning things about our friends this week. I't me what perfect does it is? I throw back here here, but I mean this as sincere as possible. Good coffee in the morning and a nice cigarette. That moment post cigarette preshit. That's per yeah, as is in the morning, frosty morning, the Zenith of your morning which you are weightless. Yeah, the high point the fucking in that moment you float. Well, here's another ask credit that segues perfectly. Astley, what's your worst poop story? I don't have many bad poop stories, man, I've got a few. Would you like me to take the floor? Alex, step to the MIC. Tell us a poop story. So my lady wife is a business owner. She does business and they started...

...at the beginning of the pandemic and it been in the works for a while, setting it up and talking to the relevant people and they got the green light and she rang me on the way home. She was really exciting. I was like, you know what they tell me about it when you get home. She got home, she was it was such a brilliant moment because it was the culmination of so many months worth of effort. As you was talking me through how the meat and had gone and and you know, we were just sharing this really happy moment and then I ship myself. Yeah, knowing, knowing be like I do, I don't think it's would have been anything less than like, okay, what I just far? I did a far and I was like, I just shut myself up, I'll be right back, and she was like okay, yeah, I don't know. I don't have a shit story, but I have one. I have one about someone very close to me, the Bee's knees, and quite recently I've told the story. Pretty French child be fine with this. This is a class shore. So this is quite recently. So the Bee's knees and I stood in the garden and she's had surgery recently for because she broke her arm rock climbing, because she's basically in the other Jones, which shit, and clad one will come to that garden and we're just having a talk and I'm having a cigarette and we're just talking away and she just looks me down in the eye, doesn't stop saying anything. She's but midsentence and there's just got I've shut myself and then walks inside just like really calmly eye contact, since really no fart noise. Like. Anyway, a couple of days past we're talking about it and then she goes, you know the other day, and I was like yeah, because I didn't acknowledge it because I'm a gentleman. No, no, no, never, haven't not thought about it since, but go on, it pervades every waking moment of my life. But yeah, go ahead. HMM, she has. I fully shut myself and that was the end of it. There was no more like, there was no more further conversation and I just wanted to show us. She just looked me dead in the eye. I think I've shot myself. I sincerely think the people shit themselves more often than you think. Yeah, I've only ever done it like three times, once, still substantial this. It's not zero as well, like, are we counting like young adult shitting yourself, because I don't think that counts. Man Like. How old is young adult? Ashley, this is loaded, isn't it? So I shut myself at fifteen in school. Yeah, as a vote in school. No, hang on, that's the question was. What's your worst poop story? And you didn't go oh, I did a secret shit in my UNDI's at school. Why? I shut myself in a hallway and no one for I never fucking told anybody. I got away with it. Anybody. I went to school with the distribution how to strangle you to death, Ashley. How did you deal with that issue? So it is between English and science with no break. God He remembers its. I this is therapy. Right now it's just me and new store. Dude, you fucking repress this story, because I asked you what's your worst poop story, and your brain was like now, there's nothing in here. Actually, don't fucking worry about there was a story about the time you shit your patents in between English and science with no break. It's a fucking science bro like Shit, my son, I'm gonna fuck it. This is my day. I'M NOT gonna be a point. It is very important. That'sful. I'm genuinely concerned. I need to know how I grabbed this. Here's what happened. So I had English shoutout, Missmademan, poetry and English teacher. She's fucking cool. Finish the lesson. I have an upset stomach. I think the night before I'd spend all night playing fucking PSP Monster Hun which is all I did. When from when I was fourteen till I was like seventeen, and I was walking and I had a wet far and I thought fuck, I need to go to the toilet. So I went to the toilet and it wasn't a wet it wasn't this is a big, juicy honking shit. It wasn't like one. No, it wasn't one shit. It wasn't as Shit. It was like a standard shit. Someone had puts you like a fucking like a Carta Jetwasher, like fucking fire. And Yesid behind it. Anybody had witnessed it, they if anybody had witnessed it, they would have just seen the back of your trousers. Just gotta go bank. Somebody came with a paypall. But now I basically like a small amount of diarrhy yeah, and then I just I just left. I didn't...

...fucking stop, I didn't passcal I did not collect two hundred fucking pounds. I just went home. No one was in. I waiting my garden and obviously I'd fucking takeing my boxes up after I left the toilet and just say you put them in my bag in a lunch box which got thrown away. Yuh. So, my my Dad, my dad told me a shit story one. So he was a truck driver and I don't I don't know if anybody knows druck drivers, but they're all just kind of grim like you, if you're a truck driving, you just kind of gotta be the kind. The conditions are not great. You are living in what is smaller than one bedroom for, you know, potentially weeks on end, sleeping in this one room, showering when you can at service stations and using toilets asn't Wem. And he was a no wonday. They murder so many prostitudes. He was asleep at the side of the road somewhere and he said he did do it. He did do an accidental Shit Fart in his sleeping times for last that I can't get. If I get up now, it's like two o'clock. I've got to be up in two hours. Where I'LL BE? You know, if I wipe myself up, I'll fuck myself up for the rest of the day. So he just got some kitchen roll, you know, a clean up, and just rolled over with back sleep ready to sort it properly in the morning, which is just violent grim. But okay, I could almost understand the logic there the fact. And what is a testament to you as a person, because I can see you do it. That's an Alex Bay it was. He said he woke up in the morning and had forgotten that he done it. He thought it was like a dream. You know, you wake up this like Wow's, and the routine for the morning was to go over sitting like the driver's seat, roll himself a cigarette and wipe his is a mirrors down, just get all the like condensation off, and he just grabbed the nearest bit of tissue there was in his cab smear this mirror with shit and then the heated mirror kicked on and instantly solid fined. It Fried Shit. Look at that rest stare at some fridy. Do you remember early when we said this episode really isn't for listeners to enjoy, it's just for us. I'm fucking ment it. I feel like I'm a different person coming out of this. It's change. Are you gonna? Are you going to be all right for a minute? Just to have a one hundred percent majority, I should just can just cover the show while I go and get myself a juice. So, okay, you know what. I'm gonna Gill, I'm only going to be next door. I'm gonna I can hear you and I can probably still shout out to my mic. Oh yeah, so you can hear me. I'm just going to talk to myself a little bit. Yeah, okay, I'm going to talk about my new project that's coming out. No, he's not saying no. Cool. So I have recently, as you'll know if you've listened to the last like five episodes, been super hyped for a thing that I'll be doing on my own, perhaps, where I just host my house with microphones, two strangers, and I just have somebody come over or via zoom, as all you kids are doing these days, and just have them fucking talk to me for a little bit and it'll be super sweet. It'll be called a thirty, few percent sincerity. Will have a twitter soon follow it. You Bucks. He's back with his juice, back by with the scrummy juice. I just go walking shamelessly, self plugged, Alex, and not in the way that is sex fine, I didn't film it. You can't watch and I got popping in the sexy way. Can I get like yeah, just as I pull the plug on the plug. Thank you, beautiful will. That'll save on editing. That will. I've got another ask. Credit, if you're ready for it. I'm so ready for it, Alex. would you like me to ask it you and you can pretend you didn't see it. Yeah, so the question is, what's a food? Also, food you always make from scratch, Alex, what's the food you always make from scratch? Me? Well, I think the reason you pick this one Astley, like it's curated for you. Sir, we had a conversation about this the other day because, like I don't waste time making a lot of things from scratch because TESCO make it better. It's easier mush. WHO's mashing potatoes? Anybody doing that? As you could spend that make food from scratch all the time, but you can spend one pound on on mashed potato that you just pop in the microwave. Why would you waste any time cutting a potato, boiling water, cookie cooking a potato? I can buy ten potatoes for eighty seven P actually, why would you? That's not a good existence. Any days of the week are you having mashed potato? It's funny that you fucking mention it, because I had mash potato last night, but not because it's all I eat. But that one was just for fun. Thank it's delicious when, if you make it from scratch, you can put your pepper and your cheese and your...

...butter and your garlic. You can get crazy with it. I can do all that with my micro but it's not the same. Let me make you mash potato. Let me make me kin. You do this and I will, and Ashley, I too will make you mash potato and we will sit them down next to each other and go yep, Yep, this, this is enough that. This is definitely mash potato, which is not exciting, it is not great. I can't listen to this episode're gonna have to sweat him not to listen, because we're gonna have ash potato off. You're going to do microwave bullshit and I'm going to make some love. Yeah, handcrafted, fucking delicious. Will do this on the world record attempt. You've got to think, though, actually, like, I can't even think of a shit in the that lerchi on a door is a doll. It doesn't matter if it just sum, if it's the best door in the world. Ruy Shit though, it still just does one thing. And let's let you into a room. You would potato. Isn't that isn't exciting enough to be like, oh, but it's handcrafted and full of love. It's only much potato. Are you gonna lie into that? Where did draw the line? There? No, where. You keep going. And he buy ready meals actually, because, oh my God, tesco finest tie green curry ready meal to fucking die for. I put it, one little thoughtfull of that into my mouth and I instantly buss my nuts off Alex. what would I like time when TESCO can just do such a great job? TESCO do an okay job. I do a fucking great job. Let Me Hook you up, let me Cook for you, baby boy, come over my house. How much? How much time does it take? The Ash? That's the whole that's my whole thing. I spend about forty five minutes to an hour cooking most nights about five instead, and you just let test Goo do one goos lay as shit by the five, five entire minutes. Actually, TESCO's done it all and you just can't get our hot I haven't earned that meal, man. I want to fucking make it. I want to have kater me like I give a test. You've given Tessica your good money. There you go, they go. TESSACA is a cheap whore and I don't love her. Besides, we have a Sainsbury's near us. Other supermarkets are available. disclaimer. The fifty percent majority is not an ANTISO's podcast. Big Up, Millie, Classic Milli Maneuver, Classic Milli Maneuver. She's an employee's by the way, I'll know. Sorry, Millie works at it rhymes. Well, what's worry's Wham breeze? Yeah, well, bambres down the road from Jessica's, TESSICO's, sorry, from from Mexico. Remember, Taxica Chet, Jexico, Texas. Yeah, well, from techs fixed it. Actually, why wouldn't you enjoy my tax and ready meals? I don't want to travel that far and I know they're already going to be cold when they arrive, but a perfect and just just like turn out of ten so far. And there ask Creddit Segues, what was the most likely way you'll die? I'm definitely gonna kill myself with food. I'M gonna die trying to fetch ready meals from America for my friend Alex. I'M gonna die a BET's. I thought that was something. I'm not mad at it. I just met for a second. It may be mad. A reflex kicked in. I think I'm gonna die doing something like you'll be there. You'll be egging me on. Go on, Actley of old age. Go on, fucking coward, succumb to your life, to come to your lifelong elders ninety five. You've earned this is your day, per let it go. Fuck you, thank you. On we can do this together. Don't mean to pull the plug. Don't need to breathe it. Last one. Go on, get out of Yourselflex of the gates at Disney. We're ready for it, the cyclical episode, Full Circle, Bitch. No, I genuinely think I'll die doing something stupid. For instance, do you remember when we went to the car park in a time that right at time time, a town that rhymes with Scottingham, and then we're in a very tall caught car park and I first of all bullied somebody into having a conversation with us in the elevator. Oh, the multistory car park. You confuse me there. Yeah, we're in the elevator of Mooi Story Car Park and I made friends with everybody locally. But I feel like I'll try and do that. You're like me on, and then somebody will stab me and that'll be oh, look at it, I could see you. Yeah, no, I could see you being murdered. Actually, I think that's how it goes. I think either that's going to happen or the Bee's knees will murder me for having international crowd. But she show herself. Hey, what she needs to learn from that specific segment of this fifty summer charity half is a lot of people. You're allowed to shit yourself once a year. I think, what's a year? That's fucking I've not. There are people now, I mean, when does this this episode comes out...

...on the fourteen of December. There were people that are like, I haven't shipment, I haven't shit myself this year. I've got two weeks to get what hell? There are people that are panicking now because at some point in the next two weeks they going take a lot more people walking funny lot. You start smelling a lot of bad smells, it's because get your shits out now, Christmas. It's Christmas, which means it's cold out there. So if you don't want to get like, get out of your blankets, she's will take your trousers off just fucking she self will be warmer. In fact, it'll be nice for a minute it I shit myself because of the Nice warmth. Listen, sometimes you just need a nice ass cuddle from your own shit. So we do the money training and get those sponsors and after that you got things to speak about. On the money train. No, should we just do the sound effect of the train going past flying buyers, Japanese bullet trade, Free Wash. It goes past money train on his way to time. Cool. That was the money trade. Everybody there. It went, look, we're at the wrong station, we're five minutes later. We Wou'd just a second too late. Gosh down, flag it down in time. That's how trains work, right, let's not. Trains work you gotta push the button. I didn't push the UP MR stuff in it. Fuck anyway. That's the money trains. This bit of podcast. The moneager. Don't know. We can just chat for a bit. If you're what we doing for Christmas in the studio? Were doing anything? Well, Tom's not here. Now's the time. We're doing a secret Tom Secret Christmas thing and we do secret Santa. There's three of us. I'm not sure it will work. Just give you presents. One to the left. Yeah, but what if I end up with you like, what if you're the one giving me a present? I'm not sure I'm down with that. I'll be very happy you're account and I'm not here for why? Why don't we actually do you think we're at the stage yet? Well, we can ask our listeners to send in questions. Are we at that level of international podcast fame yet? I truly think we are. I think we could do that. I think if you're listening to this and you have ever wanted to know, you shouldn't be. Yeah, that's this is from you. You're you're a rule breaker. Rub that, of course. You fucking if you're there, the one of you, the one, the true, the brave fucking ass, a fucking word with yourself. This is a private moment. saw it out, all right. Listen, you at work. Take put, take your headphones out, get back to work. Do that. SPREADSHEET. Spread those she equals. If Listener, open bracket, listen to day through for Simil jarity, close bracket, calmer. Stop. Somebody has got text to speech active on this and they have been coded in. Someone's in our main friend. Yeah, what we'll do is because I don't think, CASS I don't think that we can rely on our listeners to actually send it in. Any questions is we will fucking approach you. If we know that you listen to the show, we will friggin ask you about it. You can do a question that like to everybody I meet at work, and I work in a relatively big sports store. ITES. It rhymes with my fathon, my fathlon. Yeah, heard of it. So I'll ask everyone that comes in and I just like, Hey, je a question. My employee. Is just some letters. It's just it's just the initials. Okay, so let's figure out what those initials are. What all those initials I mean for you? Actually that Bas boss, boss, sucking, no shaking, maybe. Oh No, it actually does stand for something. It stands for by. Want to know what I would do if I didn't win? I guess what. Never know. Is this for the is this for just me and you, only us? But they just heard some beeps and beeps and boops. Okay, so it's smart. As you know, they heard Kanye saying words. That's what they heard. I just said some Kanye words. What it Kanye's voice? Yeah, not the same words that I said, like, it's still it. It was still sensored, but Kanye said it instead, Shit Alex. we've been calling him Kanye and he's fucking names even that anymore. It's yeah, isn't it? Fuck. That just made me. That made me feel so out of the loop I fit. I feel like that how I felt about tick tock for a year. It's like all you kids are you well, that will never catch on. LEX Alex has been around for a long time and he said that about the Internet. He was look, this is never gonna fuck him. It's not going anywhere. What's the worst invention? Do you think that you could have just been like Nah, it's going nowhere? The fucking the wheels pretty bad, isn't it? The car, the car, the car. If somebody looked at that and when it's not going anywhere, and then it immediately did, walked off, immediately went somewhere. Then it said, I am speed and what a Piston Cup.

I've always had this idea. I think it'd be if you could do a time travel. I think it would be amazing to go back to inventors like just ruin. Who did the WHO did the phone? WAS IT ALEX? Was that Alexander Graham bettle? Yes, he did the phone and that he does his first phone call and it goes bring, bring, Brig Brigallo, Margaret. It's all I've done a phone this time. And then, like the sci Fi laser noises, then I just pop out of a Portlan that I pass him an iphone thirteen and just go and then I leave it and he's just left with it. But that's what that becomes. Look at a shit your thing is compared to that. You don't even know what a PCB is. I don't, I don't have I am my Alexander Graham Bell. You might have been. You go back to a cave man that invented fire and you just give them a Zippo lessen con. Look how long that took. You fucking more, we turned into you don't even know what mental is yet. Yeah, you pathet it. You've got a rock and yourn. The fuck you deal with that? I don't word. fucking you, fucking weak mate, and I'm gonna Steal your wife an Iphone, a Selfie with her candi. That can idot. We could do. Chase me, okay, in my car, before you say it's going wherever. I've got Nike's on your won't know where I'm going there, because I'm not using the indicator. One of those nothing before. I've got shoes. These are crox brother mode. I wish we wouldn't you. The problem with those, Alex, is that you we fucking yes, and there's nobody there to say hey, come back. It's just yes, and we would guess and ourselves into oblivion if, if we lost one singular point of self control between us. I think I can count that was silent time, like the time we've spent together silently, apart from sleep. Obviously, I can count that time in like problem. It's probably ours. I don't think it's months. I think time spent together as months. I think timesped together silently. Don't do this. I hate that, Alex. come back. I mean, no, that was I was. I wasn't trying to do a goof there. I was just trying to wrap my head around what the fuck you just said. Face together, because we yes and each other. We have not spent a lot of time being quiet together. Yes, and we should. We show so you know that this has been usin fucking leave. Bye, bye,.

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