The 33% Majority
The 33% Majority

Episode 5 · 11 months ago

Ep. 5 - Campfire Chronicles, Carnivores and Crypto

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Welcome to episode 5 of the auditory nightmare that is The 33% Majority.

In this week’s episode, your three favourite twentysomethings (Tom, Ash and Alex), will each spend their 15 minutes of fame discussing the spookiest stories (but not really) that the internet has to offer, why humankind would benefit from no longer being at the top of the food chain (basically the video game Spore, but not as visually interesting), and the best ways to spend infinite cash money (respectively).

Alex, you're built like a Mr whippy. Hello and welcome to the thirty three percent majority, where you'll find three friends fighting for their fifteen minutes of fame. I'll be your host, your real host, Alex Springthel. I think that's where you'll find Alex. he's not only wrong, but it's hideously wrong. I'm the actual host, Ashley Hall. No, I think you'll find I'm the host. Happy Summer boy, Tom Hutchinson, and if it's okay with you guys, I think I'll be the the host to begin with. If that's okay, fly away, summer boy. Yeah, thanks, away. The summer prince is here. What a jovial note to start the show on. I'm getting all those vitamin be's. I'm ready. I'm good to go. Take a something. Tell me. Well, basically, my segment this week is actually quite a monumental segment because it's our first listener submitted segment. No, yes, it's not the one about. It's not the sex one, is it? No? No, no, it's not sexual in nature. And so this one was suggested by Elly Wilson and and she basically came to me and said that she would love for us to talk about some scary stories so to maybe go through them, discuss them, rip the Piss out of them and also maybe rate them on like a Spoo cometter level or something like that, and I thought that sounded interesting and might make for good radio. Okay, so storytime with Tommy, story time with Tommy, Spooky story time with Tommy. Is Tim here this week to share the story time? Whether is it just to daddy's not here this week. Now it's just Tommy's tall tales. That's okay. Daddy not being here is a theme for my life. So let's let's rock a roll scary stories. Let's cock and dull, right. And the first ones that I was going to go through, they are I'm making sure just for the sake of time, and I've found some sort of very short scary stories. And these first three I've got a really short scary story. I've got real on short one. Boo. What did you think? It's really it's a really short story. It's about vertically challenged me with knives. It's Chucky. It's Chucky. It's a very small, short horror story. I like it. It's chucky anyway. Should we go through the authored ones now and not Alex, is crap horror stories. Firstly, fuck you. Second of all, takes away. Okay, I will, I will swiftly fuck myself and then I will continue. So the first one, mummy, the man at the top of the stairs said you should leave, and I really like that one because you know, it's all spoken word. I think it's quite visceral when your kid finds you in the nightclub. The only reason that one's scary is because it comes with the premise of this is a scary story. It could literally just be out outside of that contest. It's just Yah, know, that's that's Uncle Nigel and he's here for lunch and yeah, I need to go and get some milk. Shut up, Sally An. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. That's the first time meeting your Stepdad, the man at the top of the stairs, and a second, I think. Yeah, Alex, you are right. It does rely on the premise of it being a horror story, because without that it could just be that, you know, it could be illegal loitering outside of like a police station or something and you know you're being asked to leave. So yeah, I think that, knowing it's a horror story. So guys, his, his a story about family unity and teamwork. The man upstairs says you need to leave. Oh Shit, Sally, and you're right, I'M gonna be late for my job interview that I go to in the big city to earn money for this family so we can all live it and vibe it so tight, keep it real. Suddenly whole Thir so actually quite wholesome. I love you so much. You're the best daughter I am ever had, only and best. Nothing is more keeping it real, then family love, familial love. It keeps it real. Okay, so, if we're if we're if we're rating the actual the actual story, I think it's a nice premise, it's a nice plot, but in terms of the SPOOK rating, if we rate it on a scale of like, want to spooky, I'm giving it to to of Spooky. I I think it too is. I think too is pretty cheap. Too Out of spooky. Would not spook again. Yeah, no, not, not my most best scary story. Okay, didn't even way to out them. Okay, PRETTY SHALL WE? Shall we go for another one then? Hope it's a little bit mores. Oh Yeah, do it. Can We? Can we again? So whip us up, isn't it? Tommy. This next spooky story...

...goes as follows. I woke up to hear a knocking on glass. At first I thought it was the window until I heard it come from the mirror again. Don't, Dn't durn. You've got mice. Let you know that. You keep leaving bags of what's this in your bedroom. You've got mice. You've got Mike's Friends. They love a cheesy cheat. Do you know what I've actually you can't. So here's the thing, Alex, with the last one you said. If you don't look at this through the the the Lens of a horror story, really it could ye any story. To me, this screams like the story of like a Disney movie. It's like the beginning of you know, you've got to you got a mate in your mirror or something like that. Or again, just mice, my sir prompt, prominent in all Disney fucking read it again, but tweaked the tone of voice slightly and I'll add in some the twinkle crinkles of a fairytale story. Okay, love this. Okay, I woke up to her and knocking on glass. Not to UN prinkle's. Okay, well, I can't do it. And I can't do it in real time. You were going to do it with your mouth. I thought you were going to do some fun this work, like right now. Oh No, this is highly ext better that, editor. Don't edit anything in. Let that let out. Stay there. Just that minute and a half of silence. What felt like to take to it's all impost you read it as your heart desires and I will make it mystical and other tales, a fairy tale. I'll give you a clean cut right now. I won't come to hear knocking on the glass. Of first I thought it was a window until I heard it come from the mirror again. Ah, the intrigue in the exciting magical right. I personally think we're going to pitch it to Disney. It's going to be worth a fortune, but they're going to pay us. They just going to use our story. So Tom I'm starting legal battle right now for the case that they had against us for slandering episode two or yeah, yeah, whichever one it was all the blur. To be honest, I don't really think we're going to win against the Multinational Media Corporation that is the house of mouths. I don't think we're winning it. I don't know. I feel like what. Once I get up on that stand and somebody asked me a direct question, I break down into tears immediately. I think we stand pretty good chances. You know, listen, if we get a jury that pities crying men, we're it. We we're into a winner. Yeah, I'm a big hairy man and if I break down in public, people are going to care. I'll get rid of my mustache before we go to car'll know you can't have a mustache and go to court and do well, no, no, you come across as immediately guilty year your mustache. Is that the worst horror story of it this generation? Cool, so think you Ashley's Ashley's mustache on a spook comment. We're going full spook. Ten nine all that? A ten. Yeah, so spooky that your hair goes white looking at it, stands on end. Yep, you hear a Samon and bring Your Eyes Roll around in your head like you've just hit that sweet, sweet Mary Jane Bond Relief Jewel. It's that. It's that good. It's that good good, you know, you take a look at it and it's horror personified. Lovely, lovely. Okay, so with that horror story, though, horror being in inverted commas. What are we writing that? Out of one to spooky, it's going as a two again for me, just because, to they are all so flippable. There's no demons in there and eating my soul, which can only be scary in any context. Okay, well, I think, yeah, I think too is probably fair for that one. I've got another one that might be a little bit more scary without the context of a horror story, and this one does sound pretty rough. Here for it. Here we go. There's nothing like the laughter of a baby, unless it's one am and you don't have a baby. You've got neighbors, it's terraced house, paper thin walls. It's your turn to get the baby, and then you can hear themm being like, listen, I dropped it out of my fief. It's your feet, baby, and then you have this wind back the tape fief. FIEF. Yeah, Lang word for for Vagina. It's not a good one and I don't think you should use it again. If anything, Alex, I think you should when you're editing this. I think you should actually just delete that. Ashley, can you just set can you can you say a more direct word for me that I can cut it in its place. Just just give me some other other vaginal words, please, some other words for the vaginal, vagina, just like really aggressive o. There any others? Any others that you like tickle your fancy? Don't feel derogatory, Ninge. I. I could cut and tell me saying inge. If you'd like, please cut in Tommy saying the N word. That I that what word makes me feel bad? What about PUSS? O, Pussy was a...

...good word. No, no, I didn't say I didn't say that. One didn't say that. Will Pussy with the O on the end. I give it that with the Oh, that's I don't think that's much better. But if you remove the letter and tile, it doesn't sound great, does it? Hey, listen, I want to put my face all up against that pussy. That's not it. Friendly I. I'm gonna die alone. Is gonna listen to this and I'm going to die alone. Divorce. Yeah, good, it's been good having friends. The time when I actually said the word puss oh, it's not. It's not great, is it? Like? I'm not. I don't want to recommend it. I mean, should we just not talk about the words for Jennitavior anymore and just stick to the horror stories. Yeah, right, okay. So what? We write it up and then on a spook meter. I forgot about it after Ashley said Pussy. Yeah, Pussy, okay, right, cool, puts up, okay, cool, like. Okay, you got another one? I do have some other ones. They are a little bit more long form, so you've got time eat long form. Okay. So this one is the story of a father putting his young son to bed. I begin tucking him into the bed and he tells me, Daddy, check for monsters under my bed. I look underneath for his amusement and see him, another him under the bed, staring back at me, quivering and whispering. Daddy, there's somebody on my bed getting real fucked up with these twins. Yeah, and you forget, you've got two kids. You like, Oh shit, it's a forgetful father who don't who forgot about bunk beds? Yeah, there's somebody under my bed. I climb down the ladder. Now I think that one's got spookyer legs. There's something to that. Yeah, because who would you trust? Maybe that was due to the delivery. I actually felt that one. I thought, I feel like I gained that one, and good performance as well. So yeah, no, you, I mean you get the Oscar right. Yea. What do you do in a situation there where there's a Doppel Ganger like, let's say, let's say like I go to time, you come to my house time, you come to my house down the safe of the night, and then in the morning I'm making pancakes and then you look to the other door and I'm stood there like waving, like I need help. All leave. Probably just a you deal with it, and you're going to ask a question that only I know the answer to. Like you could ask a question that only I know the answer to, and it would be what's the best word for Vagina, and then DOPP or gang of me would be like it's it's vagina. Doppel Ganger, you douple. No, no, that that that one wouldn't work, because Doppel gang of you, of course, as everybody is considering our immense growth and fame, is obviously a listener of the third three percent majority of podcast. So he knows it's plus. He knows he's done it. Yet he's inside your head at this point. He's done is diligence. I'm terrified. Okay, I'll tell you what. Listen, if the list of that's out there that's decided to douple gang me, don't do it. Like if this is giving you ideas and you're going to become me and come into my house and pretend to be me, please don't. Just besides reason, I think by episode one hundred people are going to know enough about us to just take on our identity. Identity theft will be right. Yeah, I can't wait to not be me anymore. Dude, the guy that takes over me, I'm going to run past like yeah, I get it, sucker, it's your problem now, so ghost and never see it. You'll never see me again, trying to get rid of myself for twenty years. Thank you. Now I can do it without any of the problems side. If anybody wants to do identity theft, Tom's got a pretty cool dark which I assume would be part of the deal. Toms got a good dog. That's very fair. He's a nice boy. He is a nice boy. Yet which of us, if you had to choose which of us is life would you take over? I definitely want to be either Tom or Alex. Oh, yeah, that's yeah, very decisive. Yeah, I definitely want to be Alex or ash on. This is a tricky one, because I would want to be tom or ash. So let's all just go one to the left. Yeah, okay, we are all sat in the same room in the in the thirty three percent majority studios. So, Alex, you're sat on my left. You'll sat on my left at. I'm now, Ash, I'm right now, time now, Alex. yeah, and yeah, okay, let's all blaze some good, good joints. Is that you're impressed to be? No, yes, it's like, Hey, hey, I'm a little fuzzy right now. So wait, sorry, can I just confirm? Am I alex or Ash? I'm only no, your R allogates, I'm al. I'm Tom. Yeah, Tom, you are our friend me, me being Ashley, and you being Tom. You're actually Alex. Hey, and welcome to the thirty three percent majority. I'm your host, hairy man, Alex Springthorpe. Actually, you'll find I'm your host, good vibes, keeping it tight, everybody's...

Homeie, savior of the homeless and the poor, Ashley Hall, Hi, I'm I'm dumb Tim. I'm Tom's dad who most at least the egg. They're as I like you. Thank you. That was my favorite joke I've ever made and tiring now. Very good. And on that note, though, you are no longer the host, Ashley. No, I believe I actually wait. Wait, whoso wait? Hang on, and we wasn't he go back to being ourselves, because I think it's my turn to host. Okay, just just before I give up, I am just going to assert that I want us to rate that last horror story on a spook met. please. Can we just do that before I give up my host that one's got legs and I think that one's a bad seven for me. Seven out of spook seven spookies one. Yet it made me laugh the most. So yes, that's seven out of ten. Lovely. We might bring this segment back in the future, but once again, thank you very much to Ellie for suggesting the section. I appreciate it. We probably didn't talk about the spooky stories enough, but it was great. Thank you. Now, Ellie, listen. That was as much spook as you can to get. Listen, don't don't feel like keep being conned. You got more spoon than the average guy. Go. Yeah, absolutely it's the most great episode we've had so far, so it's about it. Also, just to all the other listeners out there, if you do have any suggestions for segments, hit us up on our instagram. That's the thirty three percent, one word as percent majority, the thirty three percent majority. Drop us a line on there, or you can feel free to message us on our individual accounts or chuck us an email, though. Don't Miss Andree, I won't listen. I don't. Don't message Alex. he's don't you know? He's a busy man. He doesn't have time for you people. He's the unfriendly a thirty three percent of this podcast. We've received two, two pictures. If you want to send US drawings you've done. We received a beautiful picture by a young man who, I think, hmm, I think, drew piss man and Shitboy, Ellie. Yeah, that was my that wanted be my brother then. What a hero. Pictures of Pissmannership, boy. I also received a beautiful portrait of me done by Sean from the forgotten. Their podcast name the duping Harrieres. You Suck deeping. Yeah, thank is it deeping deepings, the deeping. I'm going to just double chuck. You actually know them, you should probably know that part. Double Checking deeping. Yeah, but Sewan sent me a picture of me with muscles and what can only be described as an unreasonably large penis, main brain hanging down to your vain. That's what it. That's real life. I listened to their podcast and, by the sounds of it, they record as they're doing an exercise. Oh yeah, yeah, it's all. It's all sort of like it's there. It's their cool downs that they do. Sorry, just to confirm, it is the deeping Harry as podcast is wonderful. Listen to all s deeping very no, no, what about if we swapped formats for a week when we just go and try and run? Will do a run, will do a run and then do a phone call and they can do whatever the fuck we do. Okay, they can hang out in my office and play with all the sharp objects I've got laid out on my desk. That sounds like a saw movie. That's not something on broadcast radio. Thanks to Sean for the picture of me and my huge cark and picture that Elliott drewers of piss man, so piss boy and Shit Man Arch and Nemec's I'm going. We're on the right subject, though, of like running and exercise, and also spookiness. I think that humans have been at the top of the food chain for too long. I'm a little bit sick of it and I think we should make a predator. I think it would make everyone healthier and happier if they every now and then. I've got it, I've got a run because I'm being chased by, Oh, it's that Predator. That the thing. Is this a design and build project? Then this is design of build project. I only have like a basis. Here's your requirements. Okay, it's got to eat the people. Let's not be wasteful natty. All of them maybe, but it's got to eat the people. It has to hunt in cities as well as in like countryside. So it can't, you can't just be like a giant Bru because obviously you'd never get along with your day. So I don't want it to disrupt every day living too much, but I do want it to every now and then just eat someone. Well, can I just jump in Ash, if you don't mind, just to start, just to start this off, what we what we could do as a famous bloke. He used to make flea circuses to make his money. Anyway, got very, very rich, started a company called in Gen I don't know if you've heard of it, and then I think he got real, real good harvesting dinosaur blood from mosquitoes. Maybe if we just hit up John Hammond, just see if he can make us a like a t rex or a velociraptor, maybe we can start this a movie. or You, are you having a stroke? Well, I mean Jurassic Park it. Whether it's a movie, it's still real. Right, Tom Lives there in Jurassic Park and is in his feeble season past. Yeah, I'll be honest. That all went over my head and I became concerned for your wellbeing. What I'm saying is we're going to...

...get a genetics company to get US dinosaurs. I think a dinosaur is a good start. Okay. forously? not, though, is it's not going to be the Apex Predator? Is it because they already did a really shit job? Otherwise they'll be not about like they got killed by a meteor. They were about for billions of years. If you measured the the the length of time dinosaurs ruled the earth longer than humans have. Yeah, exactly not enough. Billions, though, if I needed to do more billions to be a good Predator, surely the ultimate Predator. If they were all killed by a meteor, then they need to be able to eat meteors, because that's the only weakness. Okay, okay, so, but so we're basing the creation of this Predator off of their ability to eat meteors. Now what ll we know that to be a weakness of the dinosaurs. So tyrannosaurus rights with really big hands and like baseball mits. Okay, okay, cool, cool, catch the meteor then all right, thanks, he's got it nailed. Dodge it. So so I think we have veloscer raptors, but I think we give them the ability to mimic human speech, because that's like a alosser up is not enough. I want to I want to hear Alex be like Hey, as come outside, I've got a cigarette and a can of monster that you're not allowed anymore, and I would go prancing downstairs and then get eaten by a velociraptor. Or Jeff, come down this dark alleyway. I've got some Nice Siggi's for chump. I don't know if someone was like, Hey, I got some roll ups for you, and then it was a velocer APP. Would you still question if they could rolled? Because I can't roll cigarettes. I've got thumbs. Surely you'd question it? You be like, Hey, the veloc raptors offering me cigarettes. I know you can't roll. No, but you. I mean, I was sort of going off the premise that you can see the velocer raptor, so you just heard of like saying a come around here now I just trust the guy immediately. You're absolutely fucking right. The voice. The voice is just so the velociraptors can sneak around. They are going to be the masters of Mimicry and disguise. Yeah, maybe they'll start wearing trench coats and piggybacking each other and would like, Oh, it's me, Your Dad, I've come back from fetching all those milks and CIGY's. This is a really dad centric episode, as you've mentioned. You've mentioned no dad sing. Is Everything? Are you okay? Everything? Okay, it's everything okay at home. Let's stop the Stop the show. We need to be Ashley's father for a minute. We're having actually we're having a dad occasion having a Da Dad to vention. Yeah, I know, Daddy's we're proud of yours. You're doing a great job, you sweet baby boys, and that's the most meaningful conversation I've had with a dad in a whole year. And Fuck you anyway. Can I, can I spin spind this a different way in terms of predators or humes that I think we'll get us like Max human eating capacity. Imagine if the Predator looked like a bus oper, because I got on the bullet wait and get and try and get the bus and actually the the engines to the bus is just a mouse chomp charm's like one of those Anglerfish, but the tongue is the driver. Yeah, the easy one as well, because to fit in as a bus and have no one suspect you, you've got to know which way to go. Luckily, every bus stop they print the root, so you know exactly where to go. No one's going to suspect anything. So you or you've got to do is be able to read a map. Yeah, fact, right. So minic buses, basically. Yeah. So, yeah, scrap the VELOCIRAPTA. It's just a bus. That is a it just eats everything and the hope would be is that people would still use public transport, because it's just like a lottery as to whether you're going to make it or not, which gives the bus it's food. If one in one hundred buses is the ultimate Predator, I think you've got to take your chances, because people are still going to get around. I still want to go to work, despite Chompibus. I've still going to go to work. That's about the same odds you've got of being like stabbed to death by a smackhead. Yeah, I mean, like that's basically the same, same odds. Like I'm already taking the risk, I might as well make it quick. Absolutely. Yeah, so I think that could be a good one. I like that. I also like the idea of like what they called skin walkers, you know, where like you go camping with your mate and then he goes out. You did this, you did this last time, so ash and I'm still frighten. Master. That's the same premises. My other version of my brother me is on the bunk bed below me. Dad, Spooky Story, precise story I've just told. He'd be a good Predator because you'd be like, Oh, it's my son and then you just get eaten by a child. So basically what you're saying is then at that point, like every time you even meet anybody, friends, family or just stranger, like members of the public, could have to ask him a question, only they could have the answer to you. But then you run a fifty s fifty chance every single time that somebody you speak to is a skin walker. Yeah, I think, guess so much fair odds. Okay, all right, I like how it's fifty fifty, like like the amount of skin walker to human ratio...

...in the world is like all what if everybody's gone to one? You've got one and I've got on, Tom's got one. I don't think that some of the more unique human beings could have one, because you definitely be suspect of like Gilbert God for read, appearing at your doors, Myk in, like the voice from the parrot from Aladdin's kind of you know Jaffa, you run it, you you run into beyonce down and dark alleyway like I think you definitely know you're in a skin wall. You're going to have suspicions. Yeah, yeah, you're going to be like hey, she's not here to teach me the single lady occurrence? Absolutely no, although that might be. That might be the sort of predatory attack noise that she makes. She's like what, Oh, chump, chump, chump, chump, chump. That's how I want to go. If listen, if I get eaten by Beyonce, that's just the way it is. Cool Story for heaven time. Yeah, yeah, like on my gravestone died how he wanted to get any in by beyonce. Beyonce, if you're listening and you ever want to try human flesh, I'm here. I'm here, unavailable. So farther the the points we've touched on in terms of designing the the best Predator are many teeth for chomping and, yeah, disguise. So we've got like a dinosaur that can mimic voices, but it's got beyonce's face and he drives a bus. I think. I think, I think I got lost on that one. I thought I think the veloscer up to drives a bus. Maybe. Okay, cool, cool, cool. How does this fit in with the countryside setting, though, because the CITI's covered with with public conveyance, but but count but the countryside? and well, it's she bay credit the guy, you go into the bakery, I'll have four buns please, sure, and then as you go to grab the plastic bag, you just eat your face just I'm numb. And then like the next seay people and maybe don't think this is well real enough. That doesn't cover all aspects of you know, the available landscape here in the UK. Like imagine you're deep in the wood, backpackers, your car's broken down and you're walking through the forest and you hear the Rumbull of a six cylinder diesel engine approaching from behind. A trail is illuminated by high beams. As a bus approaches, you're gonna have your suspicions pretty early on. Yeah, plus, like any amount of you could just go up two steps and like what's the bus going to do? Okay, I've got it, I've got it. Okay, so we've got the we've got the the horror chompe bus with beyonce driving it, and there's a velociraptor in there somewhere. And they can also mimic our voices. But what about for the countrysides? We like interspers like groups of sheep in fields with also killer sheep. Right now, they don't eat other sheep, their primary or yours. Sheep's clothing of sorts. Yes, quite literally, but they're they only wish to eat humans. They only have a desire for human flesh. So you know, as anybody knows, when you live in the countryside, all you know you're pretty much guaranteed to walk past a field of sheep. So you run the risk of their just being one wolf in sheep's clothing in every just going to clock the one that isn't eating grass. Once you've seen that one, you know that's the one that survives on flesh. HMM. Yeah, it's the one covering red because they're really struggle to wash. WHO's yeah, be the one that's covered in blood and stood next to a corpse. Yeah, they can only really eat one person and then after that the gigs kind of up in it. It's the one with a hand stuck in his stuck in his coat. It's like a wedding ring sticking out of his mouth. I feel like, even if a sheep only eats one person, that still want too many people to have been eaten by a sheep. Yeah, I've been chased across fields by sheep and they are real assholes. How have you been chased across a field by a sheet? Right, so I lived in sleeve it. I used to cycle to Ruskinton across the back fields. Now I used occasionally lift my bike over the fence because it would quicker to go across the field because the fields are massive. Then it was to go around on the roads. So it's like lenion maybe for in the morning and walking across the field and then there's sheep and I'm like yeah, dude, I have a tiny teenage boy and there's just like sheets with horns, which I think are called Rams. But they were mad. They were mad that I was in the field and they were walking up to be all nice like and then they were chasing me and it was horrific and I wanted to die. I can tell you exactly where you went wrong there. You weren't wearing polyester shit. They could smell the wall. They were like, Oh my God, he got Richard. Hang on, that's Richard, he's way of he's Richard Getting Boys. You've got my uncle on Youttlenut, the perfect okay, it's much more traumatics and that in my memory, but yeah, basically, sheeper ASSOS. I feel the same about chickens as well. I don't feel guilty for eating chickens. Chickens are assholes. I feel like if you go for a dog a gun, that's a predator. Dogs don't care. Today I want to deliver the post but I keep getting shot at. Bang. Hang on this, this cover pool has got an AK. Forty seven I've got. I can't reasonably be expected to deliver the daily supplements.

How did you know about the fifty percent off sale at the local factory shop? So we are? We specifically saying that every dog has just like an actual real life human gun? Yeah, you, when you buy a dog, they come with a they come with like a matching, matching weapon for the breed. Like if you buy like a Chiwawur, you get a lemon I one of those leapard lemon grinders and very sharp knife, because that's what they are. They're a painful short existence, a quick stub and then a lemon in it. Yeah, you buy a sent Bernard and it's just like a big wooden mallet. Okay, no, no, don't say no. No. I think we've got a stick with guns because, like, if you see a dog with a big hammer, the dogs got to get to you. You've got time to escape. If they are to be the ultimate Predator, it's got to be a gun of some sort. They need the range. A St Bernard is definitely pulling out a sawn off shotgun. Okay, okay, real, yeah, it's not even sort off. It's like a gentleman shotgun, like a real nice oh yeah, in shotgun. Yeah, clay pigeon shooting. Ask. Yes, he's got a pipe in his mouth, he's got his weapon. He's like, wows, get them buys. And we're in agreement that rottweilers are all snipers. Of course rottweiler's have got like a barrack, Barrow, coast count a building somewhere. Okay, but can any of the dogs have throwing knives though? HMM, gotta be over got a know. If you got throwing knives, you got to be agile. Okay, so Chinese crusted dogs, they'd have like Samurai Shit. Surely if you don't know what they are, you should google them. Listeners, listeners, take a minute out of your day and Google Chinese crusted dogs. Okay, I'm going to right now. Actually, just a kind of Chinese crusted dogs. Did you say so, I look like if I were a dog, Chinese crusted dog, crested. That motherfuck is got a throwing knife. Yes, it's got thy knife. He's got the hard of them. Do you know what I feel like? You've stolen that straight from that film cats and dogs, where the cats hate the dogs and the dogs hate the cats. I feel like cats and I feel like I could imagine that. All know that dog was like the Tech Bloke, the one that was like like a crazy scientist or something like that, like the James Bond Q, The guy that used to do all the gadget yeah, yeah, yeah, but it's lipstick that also doubles. As I taiser, I'm sure I could never go wrong. Yeah, but I could see him with throwing stones, chapped, really chapped, really chapped lips, and just I like it. Okay, so we've got dot we've got dogs that have guns, we've got buses that eat people that look skin walkers and velociraptors. I feel like at this point there will be no humans left, but good work. We've just unleashed a herd. At this point, I think the difficulty is they will work together. HMM, yet former color. All of these all of these thing. They are a collaborative species. Yep, yeah, Yep, they do travel in her back to Jurassic Park. Yes, Whoa, guys, hang on, what is that? Could it possibly be? Guys, this? There's like this glowing ORB in the podcast recording studio. I'll yet. I see it now. Yeah, oh, that's weird. It's beautiful. Do you see the line? Want to touch it? Yeah, should we touch it? Do Together? So we will touch it on three. Yeah, one, two, three, and the camera pans down from the ceiling, revealing a young man's bedroom. The view tilts up as it descends and we see a young man sat at a desk working from the light spilling out from a lamp. But this isn't any young man. No, this is you, Tommy, much younger and in your old bedroom. The clock on the wall ticks, marking the seconds passing as you work long into the night. The camera begins to move towards you as you meticulously work away, and we hear the tearing of packaging and watch as you discard a box. We follow it as its source through the air and can read in Vidia g force GTX hundred and sixty. It lands in the corner of the room and joins nine identical boxes. We flip back towards your desk, pausing briefly to observe the date displayed on your desk calendar. October two thousand and ten. Tongue stuck out, Tommy, you plug in cables and tightened screws until finally,...

...your project is complete. A bitcoin mining rig or ten, state of the art gpuse, capable of mining bitcoin at a rate of fifty per day. Chee, your face illuminating with flashing R GBS, the were of the cooling fans drown out the sound of your maniaco laughter and you walk away from your project. Days, weeks, months, your rig souls and minds can huming power and returning nothing but cold, hard crypto cash. So, like, I guess my question is modern day. What would you do it like a shit ton of cash? Oh Oh, this is this is the intro to your segment. I love it. It was so visceral. Oh my God, I love that. I suppose what I would probably do is invent sort of like some kind of time machine that would create an orb in like my future selves room to like suck me back in time to do cool shit I'll note to this is that we're in a we're in the alternate and timeline. Now. This happened October twenty ten, when, you know, the code was released and you were allowed to, or able to rather to mind bitcoin. You built a rig on day one and you you have so many bitcoins that, in the modern day alternate reality, Tommy, aged current age, now, has just so much coin. Okay, okay, I think to begin with, what I would do, and I'm talking like maybe a few years before this, I'd probably start like a book service, like an online sort of you can buy books online, right, okay. Or what you're what you're what you're plotting and you're planning now, is like to make more money. No, Tommy, you made so many bitcoins. You are a trillion it. I'll go to another planet then, probably. Yeah, yeah, just, yeah, I'd probably just go colonize Mars at that point. Listen, I want to talk to you all about how this is a terrible idea. Here's what you're going to do. You're going to start buying people's morals. There were going to be like hey, listen, I'll give you morals. What's a moral? What's sometime? It's a type of delicious mushroom. You on cultured swines. Well, people listening, and that's a morel mushroom. Just fucking with these guys, am I right? Yeah, you, you've really got US actually seeing now. I'm not about like you'd buy people's sense of what's right and what's wrong. You'd be like, Hey, listen, here's Oh, don't morals. Yeah, if I was fucking close, I was so close. You just got to that pronunciation. Go Boys, you don't. Yeah, I'd pay people to do really fucked up shit, but I wouldn't like I'd make them. I'd be like, Hey, sign this nondisclosure agreement, I want you to go out and set fire to, every year, every fast food chain in this area. Christ, so just crime, actually, what use? Well, to chaos across a nation. How would I'd be like, Hey, let's let's see really how much the world can take. Let's fuck around find out. Let's Sink Ireland. Let's we don't have any listeners in the island yet, do we not? Anymore, they're all in the water. We're really sorry, island, I'm gonna Sink Island. Okay, so the prep, the premise is infinite money right, basically like yeah, right, okay. So I assume a day one would probably solves like world hunger or something. Yeah, weld under YEA, yeah, homelessness gone, Yep, HMM. Do the do the good stuff. I think actually, to solve homelessness, I would just like build my own island and just yeah, every single homeless person in the world, free ticket, you coming over me on Tommy Island. I don't think people would buy into them. Everyone being given tickets to a place where everything is right, even with infinite money. How do you solve World Hunger? She's Burgers, you get McDonald's running extra and then you just get big planes. I've got it. I've got it. Have you guys seen that film cloudy with a chance of meat balls? I'll perfect no, so, Alex. the premise for cloudy with a chance of meat balls is that this guy creates a machine that when like, instead of weather, it's food. So when it rains it's chips and burghers and hot dogs and when it's a tornado it's smoothies, and so I think I would just probably put a lot of my resources into just making the cloudy with a chance of meat balls machine. I mean what would happened is with with your with your Trillo Bucks, what, uh, Huh, Jeffrey, Jeffrey Beesman is gonna look at you and go, Gosh, what a poor man I am. I wish I could work for Tommy. He's got his own island. So you've got you've got the beesman on board, Elon Musk, okay, the muskeet, the Musky man himself. Yeah, Dogecoin enthusiast, the one that ruined my bitcoin holdings,...

...despite the premise of this conversation. He tanks the price of my zero, zero, zero, zero to one bitcoins. Dick, I can't believe it. Yeah, really, but you could pretty much just buy him and all of his science people, science boys. Yeah, yeah, give excuse me, e'L on, I'll give you some money for those science people that you've got. So, yeah, you could have put this machine. Well, yeah, I mean he's the thing he's got. He's got scientists that have got like computers in monkeys, brains that can play Pong on computers. So I mean like, yeah, at that point, surely cloudy with a chance of meatballs, machine is not that far away. Do I want monkeys to be able to be better than me at video games. I'm already getting beaten by teenagers. Do I want monkeys to join that list? I do. Does my ego need to be beaten and get tea bagged in Halo by a monkey, a chimp, a child? What else of monkeys got going on, I think. Yeah, if a monkey wants to start, you know, playing on charted, go for it, you little, you young, little monkey man. Do it be you'd run any completion. Monkeys only one keepers and percent speed. You know, actually, you've just get you've just given me my next idea. If I've got infinite money, I probably just going to planet of the apes the world. That'll be pretty cool. Like spend loads of money walking your smart monkeys. Yeah, how COOULD THAT BE? Right, okay with it. Like they had horses and monkeys on horses. That, to me, is the epitome of cool. No, come on, this is this is planet of the Apes, made off of trillions of of using Trillo Bucks. So, like you've just got a note that says one trillion, one trillion Tom Coins. So, yeah, no, the fuck horses. We will give them all motorcycles and W gs, televe and druid adventure bikes. Yes, is that a monkey driving around in a feat pander? Yes, it is. Listen, if the monkeys don't have fear Panders, really what's the point? Monkeys need human rights. So in this week's this week's run for presidency, this week's being because I'm going to try every day, fifty two weeks the year, fifty two different attempts. First Attempt is going to be me. My premise is that I want monkeys to have cars and human rights, and without that, how can we say we have an equal society? Should monkeys be allowed to vape? I mean there's probably greater inequalities we could solve first, but yeah, okay, cat boys for hit the right for monkeys to Vape to k twenty one. Who Will? I think they would like vaping. I think a monkey vaping. It's the way it should be. And anybody I think so. Otherwise, when my monkey said I don't vape and I knew he did, it's not because he'd lied, just because of our Cooli look when he was vaping. Just imagine, though, just an absolutely massive orangutan sitting on a park bench just ripping the biggest clouds you've ever seen, just burning cotton left right. And sent know he's doing oh rings, he's doing Tornado's. He's just, yeah, how cool, wow, Rangoh is. That? Is that raspberry? He juice. Dumb. Now it's Banana, Alex, you that one was straight in front of you. Yeah, though, right under your nose. It's why is it not banana? Yeah, I don't know, because monkey culture isn't normalized now yet where you know, it's early stages. That's basically. That's a problem. What you just said there, that they only like bananas. That's that's not very politically correct in the world of monkeys that vape. Monkey's are intelligent and diverse beings that can rip whatever flavor clouds they want. Fascist. Yeah, okay, all right, I apologize. Okay. So what else are we doing, though, with with the triller bucks as? What? Have you got any more ideas? And Yeah, I'm thinking about starting a charity for Rangutans to vape without being judged. That's what I thought. I like the sound of one to it's still there. We never left the subject. Now I think I would buy some vehicles and I would make all kinds of unusual vehicles using them. So I'd have like a Fiat panda but it would have like a tesla more in it. I'd have I'd have like a big and have a tesla, but I'd have I'd L S swapper Tesla. I'd have to actually, you don't need a trillion dollars to do that. You need about five grand. Five grand to me is a trillion dollars. Let's talk scale relative those, those two amounts would both change my life. Yeah, let's not, let's not fuck around. I've got I've got away to leverage your idea that I've just had the most amazing idea. Just decree that all road legal cars are bumper cars. Now, imagine now fun back riding and you just walk into like a dealership and go hello, I'm ready for my new car now, and they go yes, of course, bitcoin Tommy sorted this one for you and all cars are...

...free and you could do bumper cups were yeah, and just bumper cars. Yeah, just you just ramming everybody around the road. All dual carriageways obviously have like like bowling rails, so you're not going to go off the road. Took me an hour to get to work a really obnoxious nine year old was in my way. Yeah, exactly. It's all luck of the drawbase. So sometimes you sometimes you pull the key out of the hat and know you're not swinging, but actually you just you creme de la Creme. You just pull the keys to a hum vy HMM, and sometimes a how nice that be? Sometimes you get the tiny little what is it? The BMWI setter, the tiniest little boy. I like that. Barely a car. I will be murdered by lunch. I like the yeah, the smart can not the smart guys. What other single seater cars that I keep seeing around? N It's not a smart coats. It's like a RENTA. It might be a run O tweezy twizzy. Yeah, I keep seeing those around, like I used to move my next neighbor's plastic pier us have three wheeled car. We used to move it around because it was dead light, and I feel like that joke's going to make a comeback with the twizzy listeners. If you own one of those cars, let me know how many of you, how many of you and your friends, it takes to move it, please, and not many, I would guess, asking for practical joke reasons. I mean I've got I've got big, strong muscles, so I could probably do succes or seven at a time. Alex, you're built like a Mr Whippie fucking ass. That even me. I don't know. Take from it what you will, but I mean I'm to be honest. You know, people in glass houses shouldn't really throw stones because from the side I literally look like a tall blade of grass, so they look like a straw. You could flat Stanley yourself and put you could put yourself in an envelope and post yourself somewhere, which would be both interesting and cool. So I mean, who's the real winner? Melty ice cream boy or man who can post himself? I think the latter. Those sound like the Shittest superheroes. Every man who can post know he'll be safe from the VELOCIRAPTOR bus predators. Oh yeah, because he just skips probably transport, and then I won't get melted on by Alex. You fucking cone tod is Alex is sentence in the cone or is it in the ice cream? Because if he melts is do we still have Alex? Is it just a cone that can talk, or do I die on a sunny day? Is He screaming the whole time? He's melting, because I'm not sure I'll hear that point. Also, how many postage stamps do you take to post? Because I don't have any money, so if you post yourself to mine, I'm you're probably going to get left on like the count I wouldn't worry with anything, anything more than a second class so any till. Yeah, you don't. I don't need to get that quick. I'm I'm. I'm just riding the post being going without water and inside of a paper envelope, asking for God that I'm as Superhero as long as I bloody well want water. Would ruin the envelope. So I don't think. I think that would. You doesn't need he's not allowed water. Know about it. With my triller books, not with my Trillo books. I've now invented waterproof envelopes. Not Tommy's invented laminate, in destroys the paper market. Hey, guys, we can reuse this shit. We call it anti wet paper. So you mean laminated? Fuck, I'm loses is for soon by it's being taken to court by the company that made laminators. I'd probably do a Shitload of heroin. I definitely die. Yeah, now I've I've heard that cacade is quite expensive, but with unlimited money. Don't pronounce it like that. That no cocaine is correct. Pronouncing cocaine is how it's pronounced. I feel like you say cocaine and then you tip your hat to someone. Would you like some cocaine? Hat to hat to Milady, good grief. Tips for Dora, toes on in cell red, tips for door a bag of cocaine falls out. For the record, I'm frightened. If cocaine cool, I think most people should be. Yeah, if you're, if you're out there, cocaine's going to get you. Yeah, nasty, nasty stuff, the number one predator, Class A's. What are we write in cocaine on a spook meter? HMM, when are we RT in cocaine? Spooky at Spooky, book a, spooky at Spooky. It sneaks up on you, it spooks up on you. That's the new marketing campaign for cocaine. I ain't cocaine's very moreis, but I don't think it needs a market. I think people want dardless. You're trying to sell. Your trying to sell a products already selling. You know, you know what actually, you've just given me a great idea you've just given him start doing. Okay,...

...no, with my trillo books. What I'm actually going to do is create a completely safe and completely legal drug, so it's going to be freely available everywhere. We'd not know because that one already exists. I can't reinvent weed unless I make a time machine and discover it. I don't like the or just gone con that one again. Yeah, sorry, you only get one or an episode. What's the drug for Tom I don't do any national use. So recreational. Is it like a psychedelic? Is it a stimulant? Is it the pressent? Oh my God, I didn't think this far ahead. I just thought like a fun thing that would was an alcohol. You know that that was safe for that's how people feel about math. Is Hum yeah, but it's not safe for you, though. Is it a sure? I wouldn't know. I mean not, I just yeah, you don't have to tried it to know whether or not it's bad for your body. That's not true. That's exactly what you need to do. How can you trust scientists? The Oh my God, Tommy, Tommy's Elon scientists would never tell a fib. They are devout. Well, they devote about. Obviously, what's scientific fact, the truth of search. I'm here for scientific fact and nothing else. Okay, this this show isn't for comedy or for jokes. Everything said is factual. It's definitely not about comedy or jokes. We yeah, don't fucking come here inspecting us to perform for you. We're here to tell you hard hitting facts about cocaine, which none of us have done. I think that if this podcast was a train, then we have missed the stop that is comedy by about thirteen stops. Yeah, and all of the others. Guns were at grimsby end of the line, we're all gibbering at the train station. Yeah, teenagers are walking past giving us a wide earth. Old People think. And on that note, I think it's perfect time to give out a very big thank you to everybody that's listened this far through the podcast and has supported us. Thank last what are we on? That is episode five. This is episode five. Is Episode Five. It's crazy, yeah, but in five short episodes we have we are gaining traction. People are listening to this thing we do. So, yeah, thank you to everybody. Thank you to everybody that listens, that likes and rates I don't know anything. I don't do the producing side of things. That's all, Tommy. All I see is numbers, and the numbers are very positives. Thank you all. And, to be honest with you, even if what you guys are doing is playing this podcast, then setting your volume to zero and putting your phone down, oh no, s will help. How don't give them the opportunity. It's that's what that listen, you folks. I want to be in your ear exactly. I want to be whispering sweet nothings to you. To be honest, like, I feel like the three of us we're all very similar and I can barely stand an hour with the two of you. So imagine somebody who's not like us. Yeah, sitting through an hour with three of us like that's top. The first time we met we sat and spoke for like five hours straight and and genuinely I had a migrain afterwards. Tom Hates, it's cannon. Now it's it's in episodes. Tom Hates, it's cannon now on a real one. Guys and your listenership, your subscribes, your likes, you're interacting with our posts. It really does help in this this you know it is a passion project for us, but it's something that we're really enjoying doing and everybody's help and support has been delightful and this first month has far, far exceeded what we actually expected from this thing. We yeah, we would be loving to get ten people listening to this dumb shit. So I was expecting three lessons and I was expecting all of them to be us. So, yeah, any more than that. Yeah, accedent. So it is a lot. If you listen to the show and you know somebody that may enjoy listening to this show, please send them a link. We've got lots were available on every platform that there is. I think. On a side note, if you have people that you think wouldn't enjoy listening to us, if they have like a Google speaker or in a Lex, you can just force US upon them. You could do that. Just do Prov the power. Thank your enemy. You could see big price. Thirty three percent majority allowing revenge. Yeah, so, and we're happy to be used that way. We're happy to be used like that. You guys can utilize this sort of audio medium any which way you so desire. So if you do that, I will send you a personal audio clip of me saying, Oh, yeah, use me. We don't care how you listen, just that you do. Yeah, it doesn't matter to us if you want it or not. Put us in your ears. Put Us, put us right in there. Please see you all next week. See all next week. Goodbye. Why? By.

In-Stream Audio Search

NEW

Search across all episodes within this podcast

Episodes (34)